Hi again,

Internally grateful for your support Anita.

I woke up so confused today – again. The last few weeks have been quite good, I made a promise to myself to take each day as it comes
and practise mindfulness- in that way I can fully present with myself and accept thoughts as they pass.

After last time we spoke I travelled back home to my family and I have been here for a few weeks. I’ve not heard from my partner and I think it is really getting to me. Which I know is silly, as I was the one who initiated the first “break” and went home again. I just feel confused and trying to figure out that my thoughts and feelings might have been wrong. That I might have been overreacting and that I have a fear of commiting.

I noticed that his father has unfriended me from facebook as well – I don’t know what to think about that.

Before I went home I explained to my partner that i it was what I needed and wanted, also for financial reasons, as I don’t have a job at the moment. My partner constantly reminded me that he thought I was going away for two long, after all that I put him through over the last three months (emotional abuse) and that I should have asked him what he felt about it. He also added that he didn’t want me to go home at all. He repeated these things over and over again and when I told him that I had already said the reason why I was going home and said that I understodd his reasons but that I was still going home – he just said that he was never going to tell me how he was feeling and thinking again ever again.

On the day when I went home he called me on the airport and said that whatever makes you happy I’m ok with and don’t think about me. He just repeated this phrase over and over. He also said that he wanted us to go away one weekend but that was impossible now because I was going home. He also said that he wanted to watch tv all day and would have wanted to do so with me but that it was impossible because I was going away. He told me that he felt so deep and emotional.

The thing here – is that my gut feeling never thinks this is honest and genuine. It rather sounds like he trying to implicate guilt. But what do I know – what if he really does mean everything. And really, I am the one that is a horrible person. How can I tell the difference. I have even looked up narcissistic traits on internet and wondered if it is somethings seriously wrong with me.

I sent him a text the other day and was just wondering how he was feeling, but he didn’t reply.

I can’t find the reasons so easily why this has happened. Why I can’t be happy. Why I can’t be with him. Maybe I don’t know what love is.

I am trying to think about the reasons why I have been feeling lonely, ignored and confused throughout the relationship and I am thinking it my be all my fault.

I took your advice and found a good therapist, and I have talked about my ex abusive partner which I found really helpful. I think I am still blaming myself for a lot of things that I was going on. I’ve not talked much about his relationship yet- but she said that it sounded like he was displaying narcissistic traits.

I still go back in my mind and think that I never should have said anything- I should have just done gone on with the relationship. Everyone would have been happy. I just felt so confused. I felt so scared.

It’s just so hard because there was good times too. And I am reading so much on internet about relationships that it is making me even more sad.

Maybe everything is my fault. And there is something wrong with me. I just feel that my heart feels lighter when I am not around him.

I am just scared to think that I have made a big mistake. And that I focused on the negatives throughout the relationship. Maybe i thought he was better than me and felt insecure.

On my good days I don’t think relationships are all there is to this world. There is so much else to explore. But on days like these it feels just to hard to anything else.

Best wishes, Ann