Dear Anita, thank you so much again. I agree with most of what you said. I’ve already learned to simply do what my gut feels is right, without telling them unless its absolutely necessary. I do know my parents have my best interests at heart, and they did sacrifice a whole lot for me. Unfortunately, from my personal observations they simply are not the best at being practical and therefore sometimes make questionable decisions I have no choice but to follow. I hope with better communication to them, we can work out those eventually.

But I truly dislike blaming others for my behaviour. No matter what is my past, background or upbringing, as you said, I’m an adult and if I truly respected Jerry and considered her feelings, how could I ever say such awful things to her? No matter what my upbringing was, I should have had enough self control to not let my temper dominate, not let certain words come up on my lips at all. Here’s a very watered down version of what I said to her:

“You’ve forgotten your place. Nobody abuses my parents. If you don’t shut your filthy mouth about them, may your tongue rot and may you (insert horrible fate). Do you want them to die of (insert fatal disease)? Don’t worry, my mother already has a critical condition and you might get your wish sooner than you expect. Goodbye.”

It’s not even the only time I spoke to her so rudely… it’s happened countless times in the past year, though not this violent. I loathe and despise myself for treating such a sweet, gentle, kind-hearted and loving girl in this manner. If it were anybody else in her place, they’d have left me long ago. I doubt anybody who ever saw these foul messages of mine could ever believe I truly love her. The right of whether to forgive me or not is hers… but unless I root out my anger from the core and repent for my vile deeds in every possible way, I truly don’t feel I deserve to be with her, even if she forgives me. I Googled about “abusive relationships” and everything I did matches with what I found. I truly loathe what I’ve become.