Thank you again anita. I have my first therapy session coming up next week, so this helps me get a little better oriented with what my larger goals are to work on besides just the one man.

I have felt unlovable since my mother’s death 10 years ago, and it is something I also dealt with as a child. Prior to her death I was in a healthy long term relationship that probably would have continued if I hadn’t suffered the trauma of how she chose died. I ended that relationship and avoided any others for 6 years while I was absorbed in my Masters Degree. It was around that time this cycle started with the guy I’ve mentioned. I allowed him not to love me for obvious reasons at first, to replace the non love of my parents, but as I came to realize this, I was honest with him and drew my boundaries. Again, to no avail. It really was my last bit of faith in someone loving me. The love was proven as he returned every time I pushed him away and no one else did. I thought he was there when no one else was.

I do love myself, let me be clear about that. The first real relationship I had following the 6 year hiatus was with someone who was bipolar and stopped taking his meds. I found myself in an abusive relationship that lasted a year. I was diagnosed with PTSD and worked with a therapist at that time on gaining self esteem. I haven’t dated anyone else seriously in 4 years partly for fear, but then to continue trying to work things out with this guy giving time space and boundaries while he just didn’t know what he wanted.

As much as my heart is broken, I do feel happy knowing he is out of my life and there is now time and space to heal. I enjoy being alone, but I would like to start dating again. I just don’t know how to be loved or how to date someone who would treat me any differently.

I am also hoping to open communications with my father, but it doesnt feel right. I feel like the distance with him is also a reason I have a problem with trusting men in general.