I’ve recently been reflecting on my relationship history and how often I did things I wasn’t comfortable with instead of speaking up.
It would be easy to solely blame the men I’ve been with, but I’ve recognized I played a role by remaining silent instead of communicating my wants and needs and telling them when they were pushing my limits.
I have played a role in my own disrespect by swallowing my truth and showing a smile when I really felt uncomfortable.
I realize that everyone’s experiences are different, but if you can relate to what I wrote, perhaps you might appreciate these reminders I wrote for myself.
Tell him that he hurt you.
Tell him that when he rolled over on top of you and penetrated you that you were not ready.
Tell him you froze. So thrown off by the quickness of his moves that you were in shock.
Tell him it felt like you were not present in your body.
Tell him that even though you kissed him and laid in the bed with him with your bodies close, you were not ready.
Tell him you were afraid to tell him these things.
Tell him that you have silenced your feelings for most of your life and were afraid to speak your truth.
Tell him you thought that he was the key that unlocked the door to your happiness.
Tell him you knew that if you kept having sex with him, he would keep coming around.
Tell him that you learned and that he taught you what it was you needed.
Tell him that you love him.
Tell that you understand that he could not see past his own desires.
Tell him you know the pain inflicted was not intentional; it was unconsciously embedded by society and personal desire.
Tell him that you are healing.
Tell him to get consent.
Tell him to take his time with a woman.
Tell him that you thought he was the one, that you felt it to your bone.
Tell him you were wrong.
Tell him that you used him without conscious awareness because he felt like home—familiar but, like the home you grew up in, not happy or safe.
Tell him you are whole.
Tell him you found your own key to happiness and that it resides in your heart.
Tell him that you forgive him.
Tell him that you forgive yourself.
Tell him thank you for all the warnings about the reality of your relationship, like blocking your number and ignoring you at times.
Tell him that you chose to ignore how emotionally unavailable he was because you too have trouble looking past your own desires—in your case, the desire to feel wanted to validate your worth.
Tell him that you wanted to do things differently, but old patterns are not easy to break.
So often we avoid conversations that are difficult. We avoid feeling the pain or simply the discomfort of honesty.
I believe that if we start having these uncomfortable conversations we can heal. If we acknowledge what role we played in the situation and acknowledge another viewpoint besides our own. If we stop blaming and start speaking our truths, how much progress could we make?
I have pushed down my truth my whole life. As these truths are coming up and out my goal is not to blame.
My goal is to have a conversation so perhaps we can all understand each other a little better.
My goal is to learn what role I played in these events and how to do better.
My goal is to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Because what I know now is that you can only silence your truth for so long; there is only so much space to push things down. It will come out. Why wait until it makes you sick?