The Big Little Secret to Rejection: How to Get Past It Quickly

“I am good at walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject.” ~Jeanette Winterson

Rejection is something that can impact all the big parts of our lives—friends and loved ones, education, jobs, and romantic relationships. It can change how we see ourselves, paralyze us into not taking chances, and even make us give up on pursuing our dreams.

There’s a lot of wonderful advice out there about rejection, but I wanted to share a bit of a different perspective. It’s a simple perspective I was lucky enough to hear a long time ago, but have only just begun to truly believe and practice. And wow, is it a revelation.

I was a short-term contract worker for a very large, very popular media company for ten years. Through time it became obvious that no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t seem to get up the ladder.

Many of my colleagues were progressing and getting hired as permanent staff, whereas it would take me months to even land a contract. When I asked for extra training to shoot and edit, or offered to write scripts, I was refused. My ideas either fell to the wayside or were given to others to work on.

As time went on, they inexplicably put less and less trust in me. So I worked harder and harder to try and prove myself, and spent all my spare time teaching myself skills and making the content that I so desperately want to do at work. I was exhausted and demoralized, and eventually began taking anti-anxiety medication.

It was a bewildering experience because I did a great job, and was conscientious. Why was this happening to me? What was I doing wrong?  

It all came to a head after a particular campaign for kids that I was hired to steer from behind the scenes, given my insider experience and knowledge about the campaign topic. Nine months later, when the campaign was extended, my job was just given to someone else less suitable.

When email went around to the department announcing the new appointment, my co-workers were as confused as I was. I heard, “Why aren’t you heading this up, Amanda?” at least nine or ten times that day. I had no answer.

In a fog, I got up from my desk, left the building, and walked into the courtyard. And just then, something clicked in my head. I finally got it. They simply didn’t want me.

They had been telling me this for ten years. And I had been ignoring it.

I looked back at the building—at all the people in the windows, happily busy doing their thing, and suddenly it was like there was a flashing neon light saying “YOU DON’T BELONG HERE!” I burst out laughing. How could I have missed this the whole time?

We do this type of thing a lot, don’t we? How many times have we refused to see we’re being rejected, no matter how obvious?

It’s so easy to react to rejection with our egos. We think, “How dare you!” or “I’ll show you I’m right for you.” We need to be right. We need that validation, at the expense of that part of us that knows our worth and is powerful enough to walk away.

Consider this situation that most, if not all of us, have experienced: We date someone, really enjoy it, and see a lot of potential with them. But after a few weeks or months, we begin to feel a noticeable shift on their part.

Maybe they start texting less often, or they aren’t as excited to see us, or they are less available, or close themselves off a bit. It throws us for a loop, doesn’t it? We may even panic a bit. So we react by assessing the situation, reading between the lines, trying a bit harder, asking friends for advice, and Googling articles that make us feel better about what’s going on.

We give this person all of our headspace while we try and figure things out, when, deep down, we know exactly what the problem is. They just aren’t feeling us. But we try to convince ourselves that if they just give us a little more time, take a chance on us, they will come to the magical conclusion that we are actually perfect for one another.

Is this strategy in any way healthy? Does it work? Does it make us feel better? Of course not.

So here’s the big little secret about every rejection we’ve ever had in our lives. Once we realize and accept it, it can change the way we feel about every past rejection and change the way we see rejection in the future. Ready?

When someone rejects you, for whatever reason, it’s because you two aren’t a good fit—they just saw it first. Eventually, you would have seen it as well. The fact that they act on this early realization is actually a blessing, because they are saving both of you from wasting time.

It doesn’t matter why they are rejecting you. Often it is purely about themselves and their issues. So why spend the time worrying about the reason?

Of course, not every rejector is honest and upfront about their feelings. In fact, many are afraid of confrontation, so they reject in an indirect way. But even when this happens, if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that we ignored the signs in the single-minded pursuit of what we wanted.

But if we can understand and appreciate the secret of rejection, we can better recognize the signs when we see ourselves in the same situation in the future. Think of the time, effort, and energy we can save with acceptance!

So what happened with that media job crisis? After I stopped laughing, and went back into the building, I gave them my notice. While I worked that last month, my eyes were opened and I began to understand that the company was right all along.

I didn’t belong there, because my life perspective and the things I valued did not align with them. That’s why I had struggled there for so long.

They saw it first and I saw it eventually.

After I left the company, I was free to do all the things I really wanted to do, in my own voice. I’m finally a television writer who has begun making short films about mindfulness to help others. This never would have happened if I had stayed at that company and worked trying to fix their constant rejection.

If only I had done it sooner rather than spend ten years hoping to be accepted by someone who didn’t appreciate me!

So the next time you are rejected, instead of immediately reacting, consider the situation. Accept your rejector’s judgment that you don’t fit, because they are right.

Of course, it may still hurt a bit. In fact, it may hurt a lot. But if you keep reminding yourself that you would have eventually come to the exact same conclusion, and if you allow yourself to be grateful for the time and further hurt you have just been saved, you will be much better equipped to negotiate where you go from this point.

And best of all, you’ll be free to find a place—be it a job, a friendship or a romantic relationship—that honors who you really are and allows you to thrive, grow, and make the most of your unique gifts and perspective.

About Amanda Graham

Amanda is a children’s television writer and part-time standup comedian. She’s currently producing a live comedy show at the upcoming Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Amanda is training to participate in a full Tough Mudder event in September 2017, which she already thoroughly and passionately regrets. She’s just launched Minefieldness on Instagram and YouTube, which combines comedy and the Mindfulness lifestyle.

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  • Katie Schultz

    Love this perspective!! Thank you for sharing 🙂

  • kddomingue

    Where were you years ago when I needed this epiphany, lol!?! You’ve nailed it. Rejection is, more often than not, just about things not being a good fit. I had a similar job situation that lasted, thankfully, only two years and not the ten you endured. My position was eliminated throughout all of the company’s locations worldwide. If not for that, I might still be there…..miserable and unhappy and feeling worse about myself every day. I was in shock after being told that my position had been eliminated. I cried. I called my best friend and cried some more. Then my best friend told me that she thought it was a blessing in disguise. When I asked her what she meant, she said that I was stubborn and would have stayed there unless something drastic happened to make me leave. And that the company and it’s climate were not a good fit for me and that I deserved to be somewhere where my skills, abilities, values and ideas were appreciated and applauded and sought after. Wow. I had been so wrapped up trying to fit in that it never occurred to me that it was a square peg in a round hole situation. It’s neither the fault of the peg or the hole…..they’re just incompatible shapes that don’t go together. Kind of a wrong size shoe, wrong size foot thing! Neither is wrong or bad……it’s just that neither is a good fit for the other!

  • katie

    This needs to be heard by every soul of this earth.

    I’ve never considered rejection this way and in the three minutes it took me to read this, I feel like my life has perspective and possibly, entire life. I suddenly feel at peace with rejection I’ve been holding negative feelings on for YEARS! Amanda, this is the most important thing I’ve read in a long time and I regularly seek out inspiring content when I’m not scrolling through the Instagramz 🙂

    I’m seeing all of my experiences with rejection in a whole new light from ended friendships when I was 13 to jobs I thought I was perfect for to my more current pursuits to find friendships in a small town.

    Your wisdom has shaken me awake from the burden I was carrying (still) over these things that were just “not a good fit.”

    So much love and good vibes to you.

  • Katie

    So much for editing. Totally butchered one of those sentences

  • Marsha Lutsky Hoak

    Thank you for the insight about the companies values and mine being different. I asked to work part time for a permanent position for a little while because my horse was pretty ill. Only an hour less a day so I would have time in the winter to blanket him before dark. They said they didn’t hire part time so I didn’t apply for the job. I left. My horse died six weeks later. At least I was home to care for him. They found out but had hired someone else. If I don’t hear from them again, it’s okay now. xoxoxoo

  • Natalie Violet Kent

    I don’t always agree with this. I feel like especially in relationships sometimes circumstances create rejection. It doesn’t meet that you are not a fit.

  • Amanda Graham

    Fair enough! 🙂

  • Amanda Graham

    I’m so sorry to read about your lovely horse. Glad you were able to take care of it at the end. Small blessings we don’t even know we are getting, you know? X

  • Amanda Graham

    Oh my goodness, Katie, what a wonderful thing to read. Thank you so much! I know exactly how you feel, because it’s how I felt the first time I got this advice years ago. It was like being hit on the head with a brick!

  • Amanda Graham

    Thank you so much for writing this. It is amazing how sometimes the Universe has to slap us silly until we are facing the right direction. But once we realise that, the disappointment of rejection often isn’t even a thing anymore, is it?

  • Amanda Graham

    Thank you Katie!

  • Angela Bohl

    I agree with you Natalie, but also think that not being a good fit includes reasons of circumstance. Maybe the person would have been right for you in different circumstances, but circumstances weren’t different. They were what they were, and if they prevent a couple (or a job, etc) from being happily merged, it just means it wasn’t the right fit at that time or in that place (or whatever circumstances were getting in the way). Sometimes circumstances can and should be changed/challenged, and sometimes it’s out of our control. That’s why it can feel so hurtful and be hard to accept. But the universe works in interesting ways and we don’t always know why things unfold the way they do. I think the most important thing is that we’re not rejecting ourselves when we’re rejected by someone else.

  • kddomingue

    On my! Can I borrow that? The Universe must be tired of slapping me silly repeatedly until I finally take the hint and turn the other way, lol! My father remarried when I was five and my stepmother rejected me from the start. I tried as hard as I could for 30 years to find a way to build a relationship with that woman, to find a way for us to “fit” together. It never happened and I called it quits in my late 30s. When you’re rejected as a child by someone close to you, it does a number on your self esteem well into adulthood. It was a liberating day when I realized that her rejection had little to do with me personally and everything to do with her and issues that she had. The little girl that still lives inside of me breathed a sigh of relief to know that she wasn’t bad or unlovable and that it wasn’t her fault. So did the grown up me. 🙂

  • Amanda Graham

    I’m so pleased you came to the realisation that it is nothing to do with you. It is so horrible that people can treat kids that way, but yeah, it is the grown up and not the kid who has issues in that situation. Keep moving forward. Healing is part of continually moving forward. Xx

  • Susan Winslow

    I totally agree with this article 100 percent. As a therapist I see far too many people staying in situations that have obviously soured but they stay despite having plenty of evidence that indicates it’s time to go. It’s partly human nature to believe we have the power to change the situation to our liking and also partly denial. Lots of people often take the back seat in their lives and get used to the status quo instead of dealing with hard situations. If everyone truly listened to their instinct we would save a lot of time , energy and pain.

  • Brav3

    Thank you for an interesting article. I can understand this idea when it comes to a job. But its a bit difficult to swallow when it comes romantic relationship. I was rejected by someone that I dearly loved and admired because there was a bigger and better fit appeared after few years of relationship. I understand that when things aren’t working out or really bad its better to leave but there’s such thing as being content and happy with imperfection.

    And if we continue to see little problems as a sign of not right fit, we will continue to run like a hamster in a caged wheel. There’s a line where you say, Yes ! it is good enough fit and work through difficult times rather than oh its not right fit and look for something better.

    If you look at how most people are living in west with so much they have and how discontented they are, always looking, always running for a perfect fit, whether its job or relationships. They do this until they are dead. So, how about just stop and find some contentment and gratitude with what you have. How about just some appreciation of how far you have come in your journey of life. I am not saying you shouldn’t aspire for great things but there’s no such thing as perfect or right fit. And if you don’t stop, you get to run the wheel again and again.

  • kddomingue

    I’m always hoping that there’s someone out there who reads an article like this and the accompanying comments and finds something that causes a radical “Ah!” epiphany, finds something that creates a shift in their perception of things……something that helps to heal a wound. You wrote a really good, helpful article.

  • ShaunTheCHB

    Hi Amanda, I don’t think it’s as simple as one not fit for anything, there are other factors out in the world for rejection that are more ominous, discrimination: racisim, misogyny etc. Someone can apply for a job with a lot of skills that are very appropriate for the job and get rejected cause the company does not want a woman or a black man/woman or a person with a disability. They won’t say it to you because they know they are wrong, not because they are right, they are being cowards and making excuses to hide the discrimination. I admire that you can see positive through the rejection you have faced throughout your life, but I can’t help but read this and think “please take off the rose colored glasses”. The rejector is not always right, there are alot of times when they are wrong, they just don’t have the you know what to say it to your face and face the backlash to their rejection.

  • Brav3

    Shaun, I agree with you and I believe there are non negotiables that one has to consider into ‘the fit paradigm’. For example, someone staying in a abusive, manipulative relationship is as wrong as someone leaving a relationship with minute problems. As we know, usually, abusive relationships do not get better and any good, healthy relationship has always have its problems. So, denying the problems and saying its ‘right fit’ and running away from problems and defining it as ‘not right fit’ are two extremes that we should avoid.

  • ShaunTheCHB

    Exactly, abuse is not negotiable. There is no excuse or redemption for that. There is no “right fit/wrong fit” to a situation like that. It’s almost like an absolving of responsibility to do that. If I was friends with you and I was treating you like garbage while you were nice to me, the fault lies with me and I should fix it. You should not walk away from the friendship and say “It was not the right fit”, you should be saying “Shaun did the wrong thing to me and he should take responsibility for his actions”.

  • Amanda Graham

    Hi Brav3! Thanks so much for reading my article. You have a very good point about many people getting caught up in looking for a better, more perfect fit. I think that’s why it is a good thing that someone like that would reject me- I don’t belong with someone always on the lookout for something “better”!
    Much love and good vibes your way! 🙂

  • Amanda Graham

    Hi Shaun!
    Thank you for reading my article and your comments. You’ve got a great point, particularly about discrimination. It is certainly something we be on the lookout for, and need to fight against.
    Best wishes!

  • Amanda Graham

    Hello Shaun and Brav3! I’m in agreement with what you are saying, and I certainly know what it is like to be in an abusive relationship. There’s nothing wrong with being honest and calling it what it is. But the main takeaway that I’m hoping that people get from the article is whatever the reason for the rejection, it really does come down to incompatibility – including moral frameworks.
    Thanks so much for your salient points! 🙂

  • Amanda Graham

    Thank you for your comments Susan! We press forward, building ourselves up and equipping ourselves for healthier relationships. 🙂

  • Amanda Graham

    Cheers! 🙂

  • ShaunTheCHB

    Thank you Amanda.

  • ShaunTheCHB

    Hi again Amanda, I actually have not been in an abusive relationship but I know of people who have. I just think there is more going on in people’s minds than “is this person compatible?” We live in a world now where having big goals like having a big job or an expensive car are looked at as a good thing, instead of trying to understand people or learning to work with limitations, people are expected to adapt to what society deems as good. Like I said, I do admire the fact that you have been able to have positive outlook despite the setbacks, I don’t think you are wrong in your view, but I don’t think that incompatibility is a good enough reason for some people to do and say the horrid things that they do and say today.

  • Brav3

    Hi Amanda ! Thanks for replying and putting a good point that its good to be rejected with someone who always look out for something “better”.

    Thinking ” I don’t belong with someone like that” and getting “rejected by someone like that” are two very separate things. And I feel my biggest problem is how to believe former and negate latter. Especially, when I received rejection after putting so much love and effort into that relationship and now seeing my ex thriving and moving in with some “better fit”.

    Lots of love

  • Amanda Graham

    Hi Brav3!
    I hear you and have so been there. I hope you are out of the pain soon.
    Perhaps it is one of those things that until we are whole in ourselves, it is really difficult to see that what happened (however unfair it feels/is) steered us onto an even better path. I’ve only just gotten out of the most traumatizing time in my life- but the growth and perspective I have gotten because of this time has made the pain worth it. It’s what triggered my awakening, and I didn’t even know what that was!
    I can’t speak for other people who are going through healing periods, but my experiences have taught me that saying is true – after we go through and look back, only then are we able to connect the dots and see why things happened the way they did.
    This doesn’t mean that people are exonerated from doing wrong by us. What it means is that we can get to a point where what they did doesn’t define us or our thoughts anymore.
    I promise if you focus on yourself- both healing and improving- and let go of your ex, you will find someone more amazing and suited to who you are. If you believe, it will be an inevitability.
    Lots of love back xx

  • Brav3


    Thank you for a thoughtful reply. Yes, it has certainly steered me onto a far better path and triggered my awakening from the dream world. I see world from a very different perspective and there’s a sense of well being flourishing in me which is independent of my external world circumstances.

    I have let go of my ex a long while ago and even though some times, due to some triggers, due to some echo of the past, I feel this rightful indignation filled with anger and hate, I have never acted on it.

    But these triggers, these echos of past, sometimes drag me into the same loop and the suffering continues. At that moment, it feels like all this learning and gaining wisdom about life is just futile and the story of world being unfair continues.

    Do you still get echos of the past that drives you sometimes into same loop? What do you do in such moments?


  • Brav3

    Hi Shaun,

    You have a really good point about incompatibility and I totally agree on that its not good enough reason for people to do horrid things.

    However, one Buddhist nun told me once that the world is full of shocking things and they will continue exist. That doesn’t qualify people to do wrong things but its a bitter reality that life is unfair. And if we continue to think – ” why it is unfair” or ” It shouldn’t be this way” or “How wrong it is this way” or ” why me”, we will continue to stay entangled and suffer.

    So, to move forward we need to think ” This is how it is and now what can I do about it “

  • Brav3

    Hi Amanda and Shaun,

    Incompatibility due to moral values is something that people tend to forget ( I certainly did) as we live in a culture driven by external possessions not internal. I understand that article is meant to see things in a different way and make things simpler to understand.


  • Aelio

    I’ve experienced a great deal of rejection at my job, that is what led me to this article. I agree with you for the most part but I have some different points of view as well. I knew early on the company I worked for didn’t really align with what I ultimately wanted to do. However, I felt it was a good company in certain aspects. For starters, I was able to get promoted fairly easily, my pay continued to increase, and I did have fun at times. I more or less feel I grew up there, I too have spent 10 years so far with this company. Also, while my dream was to be a game developer, and it kind of still is, I knew there were positions in this company where I could at least get some development experience for my resume. In my last promotion I achieved just that. I was promoted to a corporate group that designs web based applications. While again I did want to do game development, this was a step in the right direction; it was relevant development experience. It wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows though. The first negative thing was I encountered a workplace bully. I work in an office with all women and this one was a little cray cray… She was severely annoyed by any kind of noise and seemed to take it out on my a lot. She yelled at me for sipping too loud, not blowing my nose fast enough (sniffling), she would curse at her computer and bang on her desk. Basically, a grown woman baby throwing temper tantrums everyday. Long story short, I couldn’t get away and I still to this day (2 years later) am working right beside her lol. She also went around trying to build up followers and I noticed people not being very kind to me. To add to the negativity, one of my first conversations with my new manager started out like this, “Do you belong in our group?” lol. Talk about a flashing sign lol. I didn’t know how to answer this honestly/truthfully. I wanted to say “Well I don’t know much about your group so I can’t really tell you if I belong or not.” but being the new nervous guy I said “Yes, why is there a problem?”. He then said “I didn’t think there was but now I’m starting to.”… I tried to win him over after that but it didn’t matter what I said and the more I said the bigger hole I felt I was digging. This on top of crazy woman baby sent me into the worst anxiety/panic attack I have ever experienced. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been feeling like that for pretty much the entire time I’ve held the position (2 years now). My anxiety did gradually ease itself but I was not in a good place and still struggle from time to time. I know this is looking pretty grim and I guess it is but I will say I have learned a lot from this. It was through all of this that I began to learn about Buddhism, reading articles on this site, started doing inward work. To be honest, I had to cause I felt like I was dying from anxiety… Some of the things I’ve learned is how to take responsibility for how I feel, to stop blaming others for how I feel, realizing that I am very powerful and can stand up for myself if I remain in the present moment. To this day I sit in an office in complete silence with the crazy woman baby and another who has no backbone and just decided to follow her and be her puppy dog. I’ve learned how to sit up straight, put my needs first, and through that I found my strength. Again, I still struggle from time to time and maybe it was all for nothing I don’t know but I felt I had to overcome the rejection. I wanted to master giving myself what I wanted in spite of all of it. I didn’t even care if I got fired at times, I just did what I could do when I could do it. I feel that at the end of the day the things I was really doing wrong from the start was not being my true self. I wasn’t being the strong person who knows what he wants, who asks himself what he wants, who gives love through his own abundance. I was a people pleaser, I cared what others thought, and I judged myself when things didn’t go the way I thought they should. This is what I truly needed to overcome and I almost feel everything I went through was simply a lesson to teach me that. Sure, I could have ran away, listened more to fleeing part of my anxiety. When things get rough and uncomfortable just avoid it… I was too darn stubborn, still kind of am. I realized then like I realize now this job may not be my life long career but I saw a challenge and I was determined to overcome it. I couldn’t get over how I allowed others to sap my power, my happiness. The real lesson again is to be yourself, it’s ok that others don’t like you. You’re only responsible for your actions, your happiness. When you tie your happiness to the approval of others you say no to yourself and you’re bound to get hurt. Loving and accepting yourself is the only way and that’s partly why I stayed to prove to myself I could do it, not to gain the approval of others. Now I do agree that hey if you’re stuck at a job, not getting promoted, under appreciated, go ahead and look for other opportunities, of course you should. It all depends on what your goal is, what you’re trying to do. After a while I learned that this job is ok for now it’s the rejection at work and feeling like I have to prove myself all the time that was killing me. When you let go of all that, you can simply enjoy the cake walk and money… Again, maybe it was all for nothing, I do feel I tortured myself a bit but I have learned things and sometimes it’s not so easy to just walk away, sometimes you simply need to be you in spite of the rejection. If you love and accept yourself, rejection is meaningless.

  • ShaunTheCHB

    Yes Brav3, it is how life is, not much can be done about it. It’s here to stay.

  • Aelio

    I posted a comment but it’s not on here. Was it too long? Not good enough?

  • Alison

    Brilliant – thanks Amanda. I have been involved with someone for the past couple of years who clearly is no longer interested in a relationship, but I have been hanging on in the hope that things will change when he feels better about his life….he is struggling with various issues and still wants to be friends. Time to hold my head up, accept things as they are, let go and find find someone who is ready for and wants to have a relationship with me. Thank you for the wake-up call! x

  • sebastianwrites

    Oh I absolutely disagree with you Amanda, sorry. When you were rejected it was for a better or ‘worse’ reason than you just didn’t fit.

    If you were very capable, then actually superiors might have felt you were a threat to their position, to their sense of self worth. If you were unconventional, then that many have disrupted their comfort zones.

    Sorry, just giving in too easy here. Life is about being challenged, and too many in this day and age don’t like that.

    And walking away from the above… well where would have women’s sexual equality, the suffragettes, the fight for racial equality have gotten if people had taken this attitude?

    Senator John Lewis did not accept segregation and fought it… they didn’t say “we don’t fit” in… they said “we will damn well be accepted, that is our God Given Right!”×405/local/-/media/2017/03/08/TennGroup/Nashville/636245527987566722-600227-a.JPG

    Do not blame yourself for the shortcomings of others… but fight these and be yourself!

  • Taew

    Beautiful story.
    I have a similar situation. I have been working with a supermarket for 10 years and i have tried to step up the ladder and got rejected over and over again. I am questioning myself at the moment….Hopefully, it will be happily ending up like you.

  • While I believe that rejection is a benefit to all (it makes us stronger), we must be careful not to pass it off as we simply didn’t belong. While, this may be the case in some scenarios, we must not use it as the sole reason. We must look internally and ask ourselves some very important questions:

    1) Did I do everything in my power to perform at my best?
    2) Was there a signal that I might have missed along the way that would’ve allowed me to achieve more?
    3) Am I being honest with myself?

    There are always two sides to every story and convincing yourself that you didn’t belong is only one side of it. Attempt to look at it from theirs and give yourself a full perspective of what happened. You’ll be better off for it.

  • Mia S

    Hello!! So this has happened to me with my ex husband. I finally saw it (he rejected me). He’s moved on and I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for not having realised sooner!! How do you go about this feeling?? 10 years as well of blindness…

  • Layla

    After the second time in a row I got fired, I had a terrible time trying to get out of bed and pretend to be ok. At the time, I didn’t have a strong faith in my adequacy as a human being, so my self-worth crumbled at the rejection. But things got better and I have seen a therapist (such a cool experience!) and have a job now and am happy.

    In retrospect, it probably wasn’t the right job for me because it makes me really anxious to work for someone who doesn’t communicate then suddenly fires you. The work I was doing also doesn’t seem that important, which would have become a problem.

  • Elaine

    What do you do when the vast majority of people reject you because you are different than the norm? What if it’s not compatibility based on personality, but based entirely on bigotry?

  • Brav3

    Hi Mia,

    This is from a buddhist monk. “First thing to see is that your mind bends your perception and you do not see things that you do not want to see or are painful to see”. So, when you love someone and get so much meaning and happiness from the relationship, you will not be able to see the REALITY ! That’s why you didn’t realised it sooner.

    This is from a buddhist nun. “The first reaction which adds more suffering to suffering we are going through because of some painful event is Why me, Why it is this way,Its wrong, It shouldn’t be this way, Its unfair this way, how can it be this way?” And no matter how much we shout and scream that this unfair there are times when we can’t do anything about it.

    So, we change our attitude by saying “It is this way and now what can I do about it to move forward in life”. Easier said but hard to do. It requires time and practice.

    Hope you find some peace soon.

  • Inman

    Thanks Amanda for your well written article. I am currently looking for a job and despite the many applications and job interviews (some which I have been very close to getting), I have not been successful and getting the rejection letter or telephone call has been disheartening (unfortunately there are no prizes for coming second in a job interview). Reading your article has reminded me to accept that perhaps the job I was unsuccessful for was not the right one, and although getting rejected is a very hard thing to take, I’ll accept the rejection and will keep trying. I will also re-evaluate whether I should get into a different industry in my field of work, or do further study, things I would not have thought about before. Thanks again, your article has really boosted my confidence.

  • :)T

    Thanks for this post – something I’m experiencing at the moment – I have a close friend who is being thrown many life challenges at once which has resulted in her asking me not to contact her – whether or not it’s a temporary request, the rejection hurts and the thing I find difficult is the fear of ‘what if she doesn’t come back in the future?’ – but know the only sure fire way to feel in control of that and not leave myself in a place of limbo is to also walk away, recognising she just saw the misfit first, or that the misfit is driven by these particular circumstances. And if things change and she reaches out for friendship we’ll have to see where we both are – but it really isn’t easy to do – especially when the rejection seems to be driven by a specific event.

  • Carolyn

    Thank you so much for this article. I have known this for a very long time, but needed to be reminded. I am having trouble moving on from my last relationship and I just need to keep reminding myself that I do not need to be with someone who thinks there is someone better out there, no matter how difficult. I plan on re-reading this often.

  • Cynthia Williams

    Hi Amanda, Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I am an author, writer, artist at this stage of my life and very happy. However, I have experienced this rejection in relation to previous professional positions, when I worked as a Mental Health Therapist, and it is difficult and confusing to deal with when it happens. I too, worked harder, worked longer hours, went above and beyond what was required and received no acknowledgment nor compensation for all of my hard work. All I ended up doing was exhausting myself. I had triple by-pass heart surgery in 2013 and retired from the mental health field. Since then I have written two books and completed and sold paintings at major galleries in Michigan. I have less income but am finding contentment and joy with my work now. Be it a job or relationship, we have to take a hard look at what is really going on and make a hard decision to keep hurting ourselves or move on to where we are destined to find happiness. It is complicated.

  • Lauren

    Hi Amanda…
    Going through the motions of a break up…of all the advise I’ve read, and listened to. Yours resonated with me. And I finally feel the hurt lifting. “They saw it first, and I saw it eventually!”
    Thanks for this.

  • Marsha Lutsky Hoak

    Thank you for the reply. Things are a little better. I still have my other mini horse and she’s adjusted to being alone. I have calmed down and begun job hunting locally. I suddenly realized that, had I stayed at the other job, I would have been totally exhausted (very long commute, pressure of having to do work I wasn’t interested in, and no time for myself or my pets). I am looking closer to home and trusting that something good will happen. I am so glad I was here for Ben when he needed me the most.