Menu

We Need to Give People the Freedom to Choose What’s Right for Them

Flying Free

“You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

I’ve read a lot of articles about loving without attachment and respecting other people’s choices, but it wasn’t until one day that I truly got it. And I will tell you what happened to me that day.

My boss and I have a very special relationship. He’s the boss everyone would want to have. He appreciates me for my work and for everything I do. He thinks that I’m a great kid. Every time he has the chance, he praises my results and he shows his confidence in me and my work.

One day, I decided to go to a job interview at another company. I wasn’t planning to leave; I only wanted to see what other companies have to offer. And I told him about it.

His reaction was a complete surprise for me: instead of thinking of himself and offering me everything just so that I wouldn’t leave, he told me, “Andrei, go to the interview, and if you think that’s better for you, then go.”

It was obvious for me that he wasn’t okay with me leaving. He loved my work and he wanted me to stay, but he understood something: the most important thing is for me to be happy. And that made the difference.

He was thinking of me instead of thinking of himself. It was a breakthrough. Instead of forcing me to stay and granting everything so that I don’t leave, he offered me a choice. And choice means freedom.

It meant that I got to compare. I got to see what others have to offer and then choose what is right for me. And of course, when I get to choose, I choose what makes me happy. So I went to the interview, realized that my current project was better than the new one, and returned to work with new forces.

A few days after this I was at home, remembering the whole scene when my girlfriend called and told me that she was thinking of going on a trip for the weekend.

We hadn’t seen each other for a while, and I had made some plans for us for the weekend. But she was thinking of leaving and she wanted to know what I thought about it.

The first thing that popped into my mind when she told me this was: “No! Tell her not to go! We have plans!” But then I remembered how my boss had reacted. I wanted her to be happy.

I wanted her to be able to choose what was right for her. I wanted her to have a choice, as I had, because I understood that choice means freedom. So I told her to go despite the fact that I was a little sad that I wouldn’t be able to be with her.

There are two things that I learned from these experiences.

Letting go gives people a choice.

My boss thought me an important lesson: think about what other people want and need instead of only thinking about yourself.

When someone wants a thing that is in contrast with what you want, there are two choices of action. The first is convincing the other to do the thing you want. This path empowers you. You will be satisfied, but the other will not necessarily be happy with it. By following this path, you take a risk by thinking that you know what is right for the other one. And you might fail.

But there is another path: presenting your choice, but supporting the other’s choice. This path is more beautiful and more powerful because it empowers the other. You may or may not get what you want, but either way there is no way to failing.

Choice means freedom.

Freedom is a thing that we all desire because ultimately freedom brings happiness. Freedom means being able to compare the situations—the benefits and the drawbacks—and choosing what is best for you.

As much as we all want to be free, we have to understand that others have the right to be free, as well.

They say birds are a symbol of freedom. If you look at the sky and watch their flight, you will understand why. I’ve never seen a bird dragging another one around the sky. Yes, they might fly one near the other, they might eat and sleep near each other, but that’s it. If they choose to drag one another, neither of them will be able to fly and they will both fall down to the ground.

It can sometimes be difficult to respect other people’s choices because it conflicts with our ego. But we all want the freedom to choose what is right for us. And everyone benefits when we all choose to give it to each other.

Photo by Cornelia Kopp

About Andrei Corovei

Andrei is a passionate software engineer from Cluj Napoca. In his free time,  he loves to go for a run or for a long bicycle ride. He is an enthusiastic beginner in the practice of meditation and NLP relaxation exercises. You can follow him on andreicorovei.blogspot.com.

See a typo, an inaccuracy, or something offensive? Please contact us so we can fix it!
  • Jess

    Hey there Andrei,

    Freedom to choose is so important for both. Very well pointed out! The idea of the other path was beautiful. It actually is a win-win, although a painful one for people who have become boundary challenged and feel so unhappy when they feel like everyone is leaving. However, I guess, in the end, we gotta really encourage this freedom you mentioned. Its not easy but that process really does wonders for our dealings with others and helps us mature as well.

    I have begun to see the beauty of this very idea in my own life as well, especially with an on-going long-distance relationship. Both of us introverts and we need our space too. We love being involved in various pursuits and time becomes really scarce. I found this quite challenging initially when i was struggling with my inner issues. I missed him terribly but how much could he do so far away? This taught me even more – a relationship with another shouldnt be an emotional crutch. Same goes for good friends too. They get really busy as well but that doesnt mean we mope all day about it 🙂 We find our own happiness. The more happy we are with ourselves, the easier it becomes to let go and not take it too personally.

    Thank you for this lovely post!

  • lv2terp

    BEAUTIFUL post, thank you for sharing your learned lessons, and wonderful tips/insight! I love when you said “It can sometimes be difficult to respect other people’s choices because
    it conflicts with our ego. But, we all want the freedom to choose what
    is right for us. And everyone benefits when we all choose to give it to
    each other.” Good reminder/perspective to consider in each moment! 🙂 Always back to the Golden Rule! Smile

  • Ellie

    Accepting things as they come without trying to change them brings about the greatest sense of freedom. It’s very difficult to practice, but if you can live it, life becomes easy and free.

  • Ellie

    I like your perspective, Jess. And I appreciate your commentary about good friends and not taking things personally. I just lost a life long friend because I couldn’t be her emotional crutch, nor say or do anything without her taking it as a personal attack. I wish she knew this lesson!

  • helen

    What a lovely article and its come at the perfect time for me. I’m really trying to focus on releasing loving attachment at the moment. I’m trying to remember that love is about appreciation not possession and your example of the birds will help me to keep that in mind. Thank you x

  • Tania Yardley

    The birds are a beautiful metaphor. Thank you.

  • Jess

    Thanks Ellie, i lost a life long friend a few months back. I had wanted her to be my emotional crutch in the name of supporting. We both lacked the wisdom to handle the situation better. Perhaps time will heal that old bond.

  • Me

    i really needed to read this!!! Thank you for posting.