Thank you so much Anita for your kindness and beautiful response.

I found, thanks to your answer some relief in my constant confusion and I am thankful for it.

I know it goes up and down – some days I feel ok and some days I feel like I do not know anything and I am trying to look for
answers that might not even exist.

I think because it’s the first time in a very long time I stand by myself – and a future that is uncertain (although everyone’s is)
and I have many choices of what I can do.

It seems like today I can only see the positive sides of our relationship – although like you said in brings a lot of hurt and confusion.

As I lived there for 3 years I battled with this confusion, so I have in some ways gotten used to it and therefor I am not sure what I think and want in the whole thing.

It is hard as I built up my own thing during those years. Became friends with all his friends and so on. And we shared music together which is one of my biggest passions in life.

I become confuse as I do not know if I have overreacted to a lot of things and if I become so low sometimes that I can’t see clear for what things are. I am confused as I enjoyed my life that I built up for myself that seems to be all gone and I do not have much for myself anymore.

Sorry it might sound confusing – it is almost like a feeling in me wanting to take it all back, just going on as normal, keeping everyone happy around me because I had a sense of belonging.

It feels like I wanted so many other things when I was there and now I want back to the things that I left – so there must be something wrong with me.

I wonder if I should have tried more – adapted more – and trying to understand my partner in his “ways” that he loved me.

I do feel calm when I am back home though and I feel like I have time for myself to do whatever I want.

I am just scared that his behaviour was normal and it is just me- feeling low and ungrateful. If I made myself feel dissapointed with too high demands and expectations.

I know that I wasn’t ready for this relationship right from the start and I had a strange feeling about it back then. But there he was totally in love with me, he saw things that I had a hard time seeing. I felt in love like I was 16 again and I felt less than him, little and confused. I do not know why I felt like that – all I know was that I was so confused right from the start.

When I think back of the relationship before then – I was never confused, I felt so sure about what I wanted. ALthough the relationship became very abusive in the end I was still hanging on, not wanting to let go. My boundaries was totally broken and I felt so hurt and confused – but I was certain that I wanted to be with him. But did I want him or someone to be with.

I never processed these feelings as I met other people straight after the break up and then I met my current partner. And he wanted me and expressed his love for me – And I wanted it to work.

I am sitting here 3 years later wondering what could I have done differently. Sitting here wishing I was different. That I could just be happy in this relationship because it is all I ever wanted (on paper). And wondering what I have done these last 3 years confused and hurt, and constant hiding it away.

This last while just reminds me of my last breakup – especially when my partner tells me he could get anyone he wants and that he should find someone that is as positive as him, and that I should find someone with a shitty behaviour just like mine.

I didn’t want to leave my current partner because I was afraid of all the hurt deep down that I have never processed. I was afraid of all this confusion would leave to that it is something wrong with me – unlovable – and that I would do a mistake.

Constant worries of “was it really that bad” – no I don’t think so. But why did my body respond in such a way. During 3 years I have tried to adapt and fit in – and I belive I have grown as well as a person. What if hurt wounds from the past keep me from wanting and being happy in this relationship or I am wishing for something that will never be.

I am wondering if we never spoke openly about anything. should I have tried more. Why did I feel so lonley? I wonder if it would have been different if he hadn’t stayed so close to his parents as it seemed that he relied so much on them and not on me. And why did I start missing my home during our relationship as I have never done this before. I remember in the past relationship that I could habe gone anywhere with him, we talked about moving to all different places.

I blame myself for all my thoughts about wanting to be alone, or educating myself, moving somewhere different and so on.

I wonder what a relationship should be like – what is normal to feel and how you should feel. Am I not trusting myself, Can a human stop listening to themselves and ignore everything the body is signalling.

He was always happy – maybe he is just like that. And I am not. But I do feel like a happy person and have always been – although I have my ups and downs.

I am worried that I am destructive in my love relationships and do not know the boundaries that well. All other relationships I belive are very close and very healthy. So what is it with close love relationships that I can’t handle.

When I think about my partner I see so many different sides that I do not know how to describe him. I wonder why we mooved in so fast in the beginning without really knowing each other. And why I became depressed the first 6 months. It felt like I was going against my own will but thought that this is all I ever wanted – this lifestyle.

Know when I finally starting to talk about what I need and want he only tells me that he miss the old me – the girl he met. Who was she? From the outside she looked happy, bubbly and kind. Inside she was confused, hurt and missing something.

Sometimes I think how everyone is probably confused and that I just acted on the confusion – when I tried to talk to my partner he told me that everyone wants different lifes some times – and that is probably true. It feels like I have hurt so many people acting on my confusion. Thinking that my therapist that told me he desplayed manipulative and controlling behaviour that she did not understand the context. It was like living in a bubble – a bubble I wasn’t familiar with. And now I stand outside the bubble looking in – sometimes wishing I could come in. But as my partner haven’t answered my message there is no chance of getting in that bubble again.

All relationships have problems – I just wonder why I couldn’t live with mine, while he could. Only he did not think we had problems – he thought I was the problem, my thoughts and my mind.

I am sorry for yet another long confusing message. It feels safe writing my thought in this lovely forum – and I am grateful for your support.

It is just that it hurts when it feels like everything is happening again – a break up and hurtful words are shared. I am thinking as my partner messaged this young girl about 15 years younger that himself that he has moved on (as that was the way he met me and messaged me the first time while he had a girlfriend, which I had no idea about). But I guess that is my own fault.

It feels like things I expressed I wanted – I don’t want anymore. That we never talked about the future – about having kids. I’m now thinking do I even want to have kids.

For three years I have ignored so many feelings as I enjoyed the life I was living – but in the end feelings got a hold over me. It is hard to think that I had so many things I enjoyed but that the relationship caused so much confusion.

Am i painting up a more beautiful picture – ignoring what I feel and have felt inside.

Best wishes/ Ann

Hi again,

Internally grateful for your support Anita.

I woke up so confused today – again. The last few weeks have been quite good, I made a promise to myself to take each day as it comes
and practise mindfulness- in that way I can fully present with myself and accept thoughts as they pass.

After last time we spoke I travelled back home to my family and I have been here for a few weeks. I’ve not heard from my partner and I think it is really getting to me. Which I know is silly, as I was the one who initiated the first “break” and went home again. I just feel confused and trying to figure out that my thoughts and feelings might have been wrong. That I might have been overreacting and that I have a fear of commiting.

I noticed that his father has unfriended me from facebook as well – I don’t know what to think about that.

Before I went home I explained to my partner that i it was what I needed and wanted, also for financial reasons, as I don’t have a job at the moment. My partner constantly reminded me that he thought I was going away for two long, after all that I put him through over the last three months (emotional abuse) and that I should have asked him what he felt about it. He also added that he didn’t want me to go home at all. He repeated these things over and over again and when I told him that I had already said the reason why I was going home and said that I understodd his reasons but that I was still going home – he just said that he was never going to tell me how he was feeling and thinking again ever again.

On the day when I went home he called me on the airport and said that whatever makes you happy I’m ok with and don’t think about me. He just repeated this phrase over and over. He also said that he wanted us to go away one weekend but that was impossible now because I was going home. He also said that he wanted to watch tv all day and would have wanted to do so with me but that it was impossible because I was going away. He told me that he felt so deep and emotional.

The thing here – is that my gut feeling never thinks this is honest and genuine. It rather sounds like he trying to implicate guilt. But what do I know – what if he really does mean everything. And really, I am the one that is a horrible person. How can I tell the difference. I have even looked up narcissistic traits on internet and wondered if it is somethings seriously wrong with me.

I sent him a text the other day and was just wondering how he was feeling, but he didn’t reply.

I can’t find the reasons so easily why this has happened. Why I can’t be happy. Why I can’t be with him. Maybe I don’t know what love is.

I am trying to think about the reasons why I have been feeling lonely, ignored and confused throughout the relationship and I am thinking it my be all my fault.

I took your advice and found a good therapist, and I have talked about my ex abusive partner which I found really helpful. I think I am still blaming myself for a lot of things that I was going on. I’ve not talked much about his relationship yet- but she said that it sounded like he was displaying narcissistic traits.

I still go back in my mind and think that I never should have said anything- I should have just done gone on with the relationship. Everyone would have been happy. I just felt so confused. I felt so scared.

It’s just so hard because there was good times too. And I am reading so much on internet about relationships that it is making me even more sad.

Maybe everything is my fault. And there is something wrong with me. I just feel that my heart feels lighter when I am not around him.

I am just scared to think that I have made a big mistake. And that I focused on the negatives throughout the relationship. Maybe i thought he was better than me and felt insecure.

On my good days I don’t think relationships are all there is to this world. There is so much else to explore. But on days like these it feels just to hard to anything else.

Best wishes, Ann

Hi Anita,

Again, thank you for your kind reply.

Do you know what worries me the most- that I think I am the one that is in the wrong. That I might be insecure and too sensitive to be in a relationship with him.

When I first met him, I looked up to him. We share the same interest and he is extremely talented in what he does.

I met him at a gig he was playing and after that we started messaging on Facebook and it was always messages about music. I spent hours every night messaging him, not knowing that he had a girlfriend. It always felt that I had to make myself out to be someone I was not or even a side of me that I had not yet explored. Sorry it might sound very confusing. All I knew was that I wanted someone and I felt such a strong attraction to him.

We met just us two a couple of times before we decided to get together and I always had a funny feeling in my stomach. I felt like I was a teenager again feeling “in love” for the first time. I also acknowledged that I could not really be myself, it fel like adapted myself too much for him. But I guess that can be a common thing when you fall in love sometimes.

When we met I felt like I was drained on energy, not that he done anything wrong it was just how I felt.

And I became depressed when I moved in with him, and I don’t know why. He was taking care of me and made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I told myself so many things during this times. That when I felt unsure it was just because I had an abusive boyfriend in the past or that I am not as practical as my current boyfriend and that I felt inferior.

I remember once that when I was speaking about something that happened during my travels with my sister, a fun story, he just looked at me and asked why I always have to talk about myself. I felt really hurt and started to think I always was and am, so I stopped talking abou things to him, I stopped sharing things. Which is so important for me in a relationship.

I travelled with him and his family to Italy every summer for three years. And I just think it gets too much sometimes. As I live just next to his parent and also have to travel with them. I think we are very different which is absolutely fine, it’s just that I never really enjoys their company that much, which is a horrible thing to say. I just kept on wishing I was somewhere else. Last summer his parents wanted to spend every day with us, and I gentle told him that it would be nice I we could spend a whole day together without his parents and he just asked me if I hate his parents.

I do not honstely know if I am just complaining, if I am not understanding enough. It is just that I always try to understand people even if it hurts me in the process.

I find him so much better than me and I do not know how I would feel if I did not have him in my life.

It does not seem that he values what I value in a relationship and therefore I have devalued my values in order to be with him.

I can myself starting to resent him and I wonder if I am that kind of person. When I am not with him I feel more at ease. There’s no nagging voice in the back of my head.

I can not help thinking it’s all my fault because I have had two failed relationships before this.

My family back home are really worried about me and gave me the option to come home for a couple of weeks and it sounded like a good option although I don’t like admitting I can’t handle things on my own. When I told my partner he said that my family are manipulating me because they want me to move home and then he added that he would break up with me if I went.

He thinks that our whole break ad my feelings are completely my fault and blames it on my depression and sensitivity. The more I am around him the more I think so too. And that’s why I am so confused. He said that what I wa ls doing was emotional abuse and now I see myself as such.

We usually have nights where we sit and drink some wine- which is our quality time spent together. And he always sits on his phone. I know it might be a little thing but we never really talk during those nights. At first I thought it was strange and quit hurtful, that I used to go in to the toilet and cry. I sometimes told him that I felt ignored and hurt but he would respond in that he doing something important. I know it might sound foolish to be upset over such a thing but it never seemed like he had any interest in us.
The other night he left me when I was taking about something from my childhood, not in a negative way at all, and just said can you never speak about anything positive like music. He went to the couch and fell asleep and left my crying in the kitchen.

I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting and I am to sensitive. I wish I wasn’t. It’s like I wish I was more like him. Never question anything just get one with life. But that is just far from me.

I have lived with him for three years, in his house, with his parents, friends with all his friends and relatives.
He rarely interest himself for my culture, my language or where I am from. It feels like I am giving him that because I want to or at least wanted to but I do not think he would do the same for me. Or I know he wouldn’t do the same for me.

I have also seen messages coming up on his phone from a fifteen years younger girl that he is messaging with every day, several times. Maybe he does it for the attention, what do I know. Somewhere deep down I can’t help but think that he could easily move on to her as he did with his ex to me.

And then I would be by myself, confused and hurt, all alone again. Too sensitive and too fragile for anyone too love.

But then again on good days I say bring it on, I want to be by myself for awhile, learn and explore and learn that it is ok to be me.

Sorry for the long message, it must be confusing to read. It feels nice to have a place where it’s ok to speak about what’s goon on. I am grateful for that.