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AssociatedIllumination

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  • #368666

    Hello Pink,

    Yikes is right. When she told me what she values in me, I felt as though she stabbed me. But then again, with no sex, I guess she views me as a roommate. She’s very repressed in terms of her emotions, sex/sexuality, and being gay. She has only had one other girlfriend, who left her after seven years for a man. I can kind of see why, because she is so much like a man…so why not just go and be with a man (the previous gf)? She is also very, extremely, independent and clearly doesn’t “need” me for anything, except sex. I feel purposeless. Honestly, if it weren’t for my financial and health status, I would leave because I’ve never been with anyone like this. So I continue to be the little housewifey because I have a great home and don’t have to worry about money or being cared for if I get sicker. I am saving money as hard as I can, though, so I will be able to leave one day.

    We do have some good times together, but now it’s as friends. So now, with us as friends/roommates, it’s hard for me to think of a way to even start “the” conversation with her. “You know how we haven’t had sex in five years? Well it’s because you don’t brush your teeth, wipe yourself, wear clean clothes or act like you care about anything other than horses.” THAT isn’t gonna work! I know I need to talk with her, but the words…what to say?

    #368648

    Hello Anita, Thank you again.

    She values horses (I don’t ride) and working in the yard. She doesn’t care if the house is clean, but if I clean it, then she likes it. She doesn’t/won’t clean it herself, though, and I know this because I’ve gone “on strike” and the house went into a shambles. She likes the housekeeping services I provide. How romantic is that? It isn’t. As I said, her messiness (clothes, house, etc) didn’t bother me at first, but it’s getting worse, and I spend a lot of time picking up after her. I didn’t notice her dirty underwear at first, but when I did, that’s when the sex stopped. I’ve asked her why she wears the same clothes for everything and her response is always “I don’t care.” I don’t know how to respond to that. I’ve told her that I care, but that doesn’t seem to make a difference.

    Yes, she has asked me why I am not interested in sex. I made up excuses for a long time, and finally she quit asking. I made up excuses because I cannot find the exact words to tell her that her gross underwear — which translates to gross genitals — turns me off.  I’ve asked her doesn’t it bother her to wear stained underwear, trying to make it lighthearted like “You know what moms say about wearing clean underwear” but she answers that she washes her clothes, so what difference does it make. The difference is that she washes the clothes, yes, but she wears that underwear until the end of the day — with poop in it. And dark brown stains on white old-lady underwear is a turnoff. I cannot find the exact words.

    It’s really tearing me up, because I love her…or I love who she once was, but the thought of it just getting worse (which all habits do unless we want to change) as we get old…it’s overwhelming.

    #368642

    Kylee – Thank you for your response. If only those questions would work. I seriously do not understand the mentality of having poopy underwear and walking around with fresh poop in your underwear. She doesn’t like me to do her laundry. I LOVE to do laundry, and am happy to do that for her, but she prefers to jam everything into one load and “get it all done at once” rather than sorting and pre-spotting. So she does her own laundry. I’m getting used to her sloppiness around the house. I figure I can either put up with it by cleaning up behind her, or I can move out. Moving out is not a good option for me for several reasons, so I clean up behind her. The nasty underwear and the stained, out-of-style, too-tight, torn, and ancient-looking clothes, though…I just don’t know what to do. I cannot think of words to use to talk with her about her underwear. I guess that is the most pressing issue I have. She buys new underwear — every 2-3 years — but doesn’t get rid of the old underwear, and then the new underwear ends up gross too. It’s such a delicate issue, but she wants us to have sex and I just can’t.

    #368641

    Thank you for your response. The thing with her is that the only thing she seems to value is her horses. She spent $200k on one last year, and meanwhile there are things around the house that are literally falling apart. She loves her career and the money it provides her. She loves her bank account and retirement account and tells me often how much money we will have when she retires — except she doesn’t plan to retire until she’s in her 70s. I asked her the other day what purpose I serve here, because everyone wants to feel needed (at least I do). She said that she likes that I cook supper, keep the house clean, and take care of the dogs. That’s what she came up with. That’s what she values about me.

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