Thank you Anita, Peter, Eliana. I have decided to drop out of med school, for good this time. I plan to start a business, I’ll be starting with franchising. And I’ll continue my road to recovery. I’m still seeing my psychiatrist and I’ll be seeing my psychologist soon. Hopefully, this time I’ll manage. 🙂

I dont want to get behind, be the failure when everyone else is advancing in their careers, that is why I tried to pursue further studies that may help me catch up. But recently, upon reflecting about it, i pursued them without heart. Before I tried to pursue them, I wanted to go to business. We have a family business and even when I help there I feel ok. Maybe this is what I want, what I should do, to start a business. There I have time dor myself. It may be more of an unknown but I can do it at my own pace. Yet if I do it I need capital, and even now I barely contribute to the family, I earn less to nothing. And I still fear this choice of the road less taken. And If this is what I truly want or is it me finding another escape route.

And I truly want to quit again this time. These doubts point me to this may not be for me, then looking at what would happen if I quit, what eill happen to me, what will I do with my life. By staying, anxiety consumes me and thoughts of suicide emerge, and may become ideation actuation, (i did try to stab myself, almost did jump from a bridge in the past), and if I quit or at least whenever I’m not going to class I slowly calm down, more or less functional. When I thought that I dont need to be the one to heal/cure/help people, it calms me down. When I think I should find a business venture, its enticing, but not knowing where to start scares me. I wont know what I do or where I’ll end up. That is why I cling to careers with a path. Yet the path may be suffocating for me. And this is why I think I am just whiney. I was also told by that by my ex, when we were still together, at the peak of my panic attacks during my trial at law school. And feels like a better option, the only thing stopping me is I still fear death and I deel I dont deserve to die.

And it seemed that it also only triggers in taking up studies. Haven’t tried to work as it was harder for me to accept working in my old career path. It really felt that the kind of work really is not for me. That kind of setup is suffocating. And it feels like this is me sounding whiney.