Thank you for the awareness, but I’ve been understanding that as a given Helcat, as this mess when it started was when the youngest was at least 7, and my mother had my grandparents help as we lived with them…they made conscious mistakes with how they decided to raise us, and the past happened, yes, things were worse, but the very fact that they were worse is why other problems weren’t delved in and also why their impacts were less felt by some and less understood of their place in our history as bigger ones laid in front of them, that isn’t absolute but it’s a part.

As for you Anita, there is no “loyalty“, no “obligation“, everything is unconscious, in smoke, in their pain and unconscious hurting that made it torturous and like a spectator to watch them foolishly hurt each other as a kid, as I understood as such too early, all I could do when I was young was love them, I am not exaggerating when I said I wanted nothing else, and still don’t now honestly because this situation has been so compromising to my sense of self development that at this point, I feel like a baby still with their umbilical cord attached, remove it, and I’m gone, I feel I’ll revert to what I was when I crashed, as in what happened to why I’m in continuation school, basically I had a mental breakdown to where I just slept for weeks on end, stuck in a constant mental state of nihilism, only reason I was able to pick myself back up was because my music saved me, it reminded me I had something in life I wanted to fight for, not just for me, but for others, cause I had nothing about me I wanted to save, I wanted happiness, but just to satisfy my reason to wanting to live.

If I was given the option to take my families place, in their stupid position of hurting each other to take onto myself and replace it with the love I know they could have if this situation hadn’t devolved because of the last 3 generations of my family were problem children that were taught only when life kicked them in the ass and said to get their **** together, I would’ve taken that the first chance I got as a kid, and might still now, cause that’s how little I value myself then, and now, not just because that’s what my situation made of me, but that’s inherently what I am as I honestly struggle to have something to be selfish about.

…sorry, I’m sure you’re aware when someone appropriates how you feel and gets it wrong… I’m sure everyone with problems has felt that once, if not many times, it was really grating on my nerves every time I tried thinking up a response, to why I didn’t respond quickly when I had the chance.

I honestly have no ability to survive on my own nor have the ability to do so, nor the mental capacity to honestly survive without some connection holding me steady, my family is the steady ground I have, the only ground I have to stand on, I can very well do so if I put my mind to it, but the matter of actually doing so will never be possible cause for how much I love life, my knowledge and wisdom leaves me to despise it all the more with how much people shoot themselves in the foot for enjoying it, and that not at all being at their fault for the nature we’re predisposed to as faulty beings, as humans.

I honestly struggle to see them caring if I leave or go, and I don’t want to see their lives fall on their faces and see them struggle to see why when they chose to ignore their problems since the start, it’s like being forced to watch a rom-com, never to see them get together, making your watch for nothing.

Except the two are married, have a family, and your one of their kids.(this is an example, not unsimilar but not exact to my situation)

My emotions are too invested and tied to be able to capable of abandoning them, for myself or them, reared from childhood and refined by this disgusting situation and my gift of wisdom over my aging, yet my emotions refuse to do any more than they have to keep me alive, and my knowledge is useless without power, picking my near mentally dead consciousness back up after multiple occasions of wanting to give up and call it quits, cause for how strong I feel I am, and am in some ways, I know how fragile my life truly is, for the moment my family is taken away, I could easily be one of those kids you see on the news that did something horrific that one can never understand how a kid could come to do such.

And I have to live terrified, disgusted, and hateful with that fact that the most potential I have right now, is not of the promising future I know I can realistically bring into life, but of the damage I can cause understanding human psychology and philosophy to where damaging one can be a snap if my mouth didn’t dysfunction on a regular basis and I actually didn’t give a **** for every life in front of me…

I feed the dog in my home cause no one else does, it feels comfort, hunger pains, and wants love and attention, as we all do, I comfort my mother cause almost no one else will, she is a human being with limits as we all are that shouldn’t be stretched if I want her well-being intact, as I don’t want to test when it’ll be broken-

I’ll be okay because I have to, not because I am.

I’m sorry…every talk I have is angled towards the bad because everyone fights for the good so bad they forget to acknowledge the bad exists, to where the fact you chose not to learn from it is the reason why it has its place in our lives; the less you chose to try and understand, the more you decide to let it propagate and the friction it’ll have on its way out when you try to forcibly close a situation, to acknowledge it’s your memories, its a part of what develops you into what you are, and rejecting it refuses its part of what you are, despite the fact you have experienced what it has done to you, on every level on agency it made you feel, understood and not, from the pain and emotion generated, to everything violated, to creating a gulf between that emotion, and the standard we have to uphold as civil people.

In some situations, that is the case, some do not cause life is merciful, that person involved is a coward, or some other reason.

I really need to get to work.

Sorry if I went too far, I just, it’s thanksgiving break, meaning more time towards myself, and being alone rather in school, where at least I don’t have my family in my face and can pretend I have some semblancy of life outside of them.

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding, each of you, I’ll tackle each one of your questions with the proper accommodations, I’ll try my best to properly describe it into more exact details:

Anita: By practical, do you mean the positive effects of all, this, of my knowledge? Cause I don’t have much in my life besides small visits to family, for events and holidays, and school(which I love), please be more specific, as for the previously mentioned, I had to learn to get to my emotions in another format, I learned to take what little I feel in the emotional aspect and create a sort of replica logically? If that makes sense at all, I’m not sure how to properly describe it, it’s basically removing the intensity for simply understanding how much of it I feel and of what emotion, as I learned emotional regulation naturally, along with not expressing myself as my emotions did nothing for us, and the same went for my family; perfect doesn’t mean nothing from what it is against, for it to regulate, emotion needs to exist alongside it.  It’s not there to rid me of emotion, although that is very well what it was doing in the beginning as my problems were shaping when I was too young to properly handle them, just in tears they were handled, and with my wisdom this life granted me.  Thank you for your kindness and welcome, I am grateful, really.

Helcat: Happy to also see one, thanks for your care and consideration, I had a therapist when starting a year or two ago, they mostly handled kids, essentially anyone under teenagerhood, however, they mostly just gave a space to be heard along with advice on how to healthfully ignore and mechanisms to stay calm like breathing, tactics like focusing on other things, etc, these tools weren’t useless, but they kind of dulled over the time of my problem advancing with my age.  As a kid they were too much, yes, and I let them overwhelm, but now, it’s less the negativity in its nature and more so how it is 10 to 1 a part of my life I just had to learn to tune out, which most people do, but doing that rejects your ability to learn from it and stop it from happening again, although in my situation, that’s not really possible.  And the arguing wasn’t towards me, it was parent vs parent, soon it evolved to just any arguing between anyone in my family because of how it’s just their emotions clashing, with little to anything actually communicated at times, which has been getting somewhat better, but that’s all.

Anita: Sorry for the complicated word use, and I’m also sorry you had a hard upbringing as well, hope it’s better now at least somewhat. I have been having trouble communicating the advanced part with the simple part in a matter others will understand, I’ll try my best to condense the points you said: I had to learn to make reasons justification as people did things so easily without care in how they chose to live unconsciously towards what they wanted, both my siblings and my parents although at first, my parents argued, my dad being the aggressive and cursing one.

I couldn’t handle the emotional pain so I looked into the why of them being like that, and I learned more, causing the pain to increase but also dull in a weird sense as the reasoning became smaller in my eyes, and this cycle only grew as I did, I had undecidedly obsessed over it cause family was truly my everything, nothing else I had I could honestly care for more than them, and as a kid, rarely did you ever know something like that you’d want to work towards getting.

I learned they were okay with it on an unconscious level, and I wasn’t at a conscious one, being mindful and aware was me, I knew that I cared too much as that was another factor to why it hurt so bad, as I wanted nothing but to help others achieve happiness, I felt I couldn’t have on my own, that rarely anyone could on their independent self.

I had to learn to be okay with it, even though I’m not, I had to understand that I loved something that hurt me, and that even knowing that, they still continued to do what they did, what I felt wasn’t enough, what level of pain I couldn’t communicate wasn’t enough, and the fact that only later I learned they couldn’t do anything about it, and had learned to be okay with it.

I didn’t, I couldn’t, their lives could continue in this lesser form with little enjoyment because it didn’t take from their lives at all cause that’s the level of their lives they took seriously, I didn’t, I wanted to work to make me, and them, as happy as life could allow.

The pain of my life is essentially at every turn, none of my life is the intention I want for it, I didn’t have a choice to care for them this much, yet I do, and I can’t even do that without feedback of them being in this state of causing problems for each other small and large, getting on their nerves and arguing as a result, the problem of a sole parent and her kids(7, me included), I didn’t choose to have my life held back by all this, but my emotions demand something out of all this, happiness? How could I have that without them when they are my everything? I could barely find contentment on my own, anger? How in the hell is that supposed to be expressed when all that does to them is make them annoyed as they don’t like the situation yet choose to live in it every day, because they don’t know what to do about it, yet make so little effort because my mom doesn’t know what to do to be effective.

These problems festered at a young age and were allowed to grow with them to this age cause that’s the level of parenting they did, and still is.

I had to learn to love them in spite of this, in spite of my anger, animosity, and crazed-

Getting off topic, essentially, I learned all this advanced stuff cause not only did it interest me, but I could utilize it in my mental & emotional battle against this…

I couldn’t be mad at them being incapable to handle the situation, yet they didn’t take it seriously at the start, letting it get out of hand, so I did all I could, adapt.

Fall, cry, adapt, till I knew enough to where the arguing didn’t hurt as much as they did, and my standard of living had become like them…unconscious.

Yet I remain to witness my life forcefully altered because they-don’t-respect the idea that their actions have consequences on others, none of them, not my mom, not my siblings, no one…

Like a spectator watching the string dance.

Your right, I am ignoring this, because it has hit a wall, and no one is “adult” in handling it, and I couldn’t validate my emotions and act on them cause they are too intense now, cause there’s so much, and any time I try, it feels like my body is flooding stress into my body as thoughts become crazed and rushed, trying to make me do something I’ll regret, and I had to learn to make this “system” to handle it.

“Mechanical Morality”, is the truths of the world we tend to miss, for example, the natural conflict between parents and kids I consider to be is that kids represent the incomplete nature of the child, as they validate the bad against them and the good for them to where the parents are more against the bad they have to deal with, creating a natural friction like the natural conflict of good and bad.

I’m getting too tired to explain more, I leave it at this.