Hey Anita,

I did get a reply on my new post which was really helpful and has me researching, however, I’d love to hear your advice on my recent post as well… is that okay?

Oh wow Anita that honestly is spot on. Sorry I know I took forever trying to the main point haha but you’ve hit the nail on the head, right down to mum and dad being so busy and stressed!
Even just talking about it has helped me unscramble my brain/feelings and is helping me understand certain things

My personality fits well within my family because I’ve become the loud and out there one. My sisters are very quite but also very opinionated and usually get what they want. I found for myself, to be heard I needed to be slightly different, therefore, I became outgoing and loud (opposite of my sisters) so I could be heard/noticed. I also became “easy going” and didn’t form much of opinion again to form around my sisters and not really “make a scene”.
there whole make a scene situation came about when I was younger, I used to be petrified of the dark, so every night I would cry when going to bed because I didn’t like the dark. My parents would get tired of it (honestly don’t blame them now), they would close the door on me (making it darker) and I would end up screaming because I’m scared. I never expressed to them when I was younger that I cried/screamed because I was scared of the dark, they just thought I was being naughty. Anyway so my father would come in and tell me that he is taking me to boarding school if I don’t stop. I grew out of this at the age of 5, just after I started school.
So that’s where I think the “easy nature” don’t want to make a “scene” feelings come from. And honestly I like that, I don’t want to change that. I like being stress less and going with the flow. I also find I probably had a bit of a problem when my younger sister was born (I also have no brothers so just females and my dad in my household) I was 5 years old. So I was getting all the attention when I was younger, and then suddenly my younger sister came along and I was “pushed off” to the side and had to entertain myself, as my older sisters paired off and wouldn’t usually let me hang with them. So I grew up with a really big imagination , which I still believe I have to this day (I create really big dreams for myself that I’d love to achieve but some seem pretty impossible).

In the “outside” world I find that I don’t fit because everyone these days are very opinionated (especially in my workplace). Everyone seems to be a bit negative and rude to be honest and I find that I don’t have much of a negative opinion on things if at all.

I believe I’m unusual due to the way I think and act. I always  have a positive spin to things (again , something I don’t want to change), but I don’t like usual things other do. I believe I’m more a creative mind, so when finding solutions I find I can be a bit “odd” and all over the place and usually do something that no one else would think of? I’m quite mature for my age in some aspects but others I find I’m not? I believe I quite open to everyone’s opinions and outlooks and I choose my own beliefs and values but try to see every side to a story.
Ive found that I’ve become quite confused on what to say to “new” people when starting conversations, my brain is usually racing of things I can say and things I shouldn’t say and then the worrying thought of “what if they think I’m odd”… I then become overwhelmed and “shut off”.
I believe the negative thought of “what if I’m weird” comes from my old best friend telling me I’m weird/different all the time and she would usually say it in a negative tone (I’ve now discovered that she was a very toxic person but she’s already done some damage…). My new best friend is just like me with the way I think and accepts my strange ways and is usually really open to everything I say. The area in which I live and grew up in have a certain mindset and mentality that everyone tries to fit (a mindset and personality that I myself do not like)… so maybe I feel weird and different because I don’t conform to that (and honestly I don’t ever want to…). I’ll wear things (like a mike wazowski purse I got in Disneyland) and while I don’t believe that’s different and I should be able to wear what I like, certain people would comment and say I must be “brave” to wear that out or I must have a “strong” personality to wear it…

I still want to be different from others, it makes life more exciting and different. Maybe I myself am not the full problem… maybe the area I live in is?

I’ll see you in 13 hours Anita 🙂

See you in 13 hours time Anita!

To add to it a little… I find that I don’t “fit in” with people where I live, so when I say “try to act that way in society”, I find that I can’t really be myself in society… like I feel like myself when I’m with my family but I try to change myself to suit what I think others want me to be…

I just want to be able to be my usual bubbly outgoing self again without worrying what others will think and just honestly be carefree… I find I’m always worried what others are thinking of me (hence why getting a boyfriend is also daunting to me because I’m scared people are going to talk about me and “make fun of me”? It’s weird I know but I just seem really unsure in that way) I try my hardest to not think about what others will think about me but I can’t help it… I believe that’s what stops me from starting conversations with others that I don’t know as well. Ive become quite socially awkward and I’ve become very aware of it so I have two sides fighting with one another, one side of my brain saying that everyone is judging me and I’m embarrassing myself and another side saying that I shouldn’t care what others say and that I’m doing my best… it’s weird and very confusing haha

I really appreciate your help 🙂

Thankyou for replying Anita… it’s kind of nice being able to talk to someone!

My childhood was amazing! I’m the second youngest out of four girls living with both my parents who absolutely love each other. I get along with my sisters really well, always have.
I was and still am know as being the outgoing and slightly show off type in the family… but I’m also known as the easy going one. I’m used to just following along and doing whatever everyone else wants, never really putting my opinion forward because I don’t mind and honestly don’t want to make a scene.
I had a really close best friend when I was younger, we would do absolutely everything together! We started having problems around grade 9, when she started ignoring me and hanging out with other people who didn’t like me and then when she got a boyfriend further ignored me…

I am very very family orientated, so to me I find having a boyfriend will fracture my relationships with my family and friends (probably because when all my friends get boyfriends they stop talking to me…) I like to be independent and do my own thing with out much commitment…

I have also been told that I can be quite an emotional person, I pick up others emotions very easily and tend to hold onto their emotions long after I meet people.

I have found over the last 2-3 years I have really reverted back into my “shell” and my once bubbly and very outgoing/easy going personality only comes out when I’m in a comfortable social setting (eg. With my friends or family) and it has had a toll on my relationships at work, I just find it hard to start up a normal conversation because my brain is telling me that “I never used to be like this”, “what if you say something weird”, “You used to be so outgoing now look at you…”, and a lot of back and forward like that which then leads to me not really starting conversations or talking, which is silly. Because I love to talk and make friends and there’s part of my brain telling me to stop being silly and that I haven’t changed and if I come off as a little weird or unusual to them then who cares, because at the end of the day it’s who I am so they can like me or not….

I really appreciate what you said because I honestly feel like that’s probably true, I think I’m in slight denial and not allowing myself to move on because I’m honestly scared of adulthood. And I’m return it’s now having negative affects on my life and social life, I believe it’s the cause for my sudden low self esteem as well!

Again Anita, I really appreciate your help! It’s nice to be able to “off-load” for once and have someone caring listen and try to help me.