What do you mean? (I have a giant headache and I can’t think straight)

Thanks.

Good morning,
The weekend was,blah. Brickman never responded on Friday if the kids could go with me to the festival. On the way there Saturday he messaged me that one kid was sick and the other was grounded so they couldn’t go with me. I was a little lost and he gave me directions to the festival and he chattered about how their plans for the weekend had changed.  I had a nice time with my friends but it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t going to ask if I could stop by and see them. He knew I was in town so I just left and went home.

Yesterday I went out to lunch and for a long walk afterwards. I briefly went on social  media to see that brickman had taken the kids out to a local park with a lake. I guess they magically got better and ungrounded (that is be being bitter).  He does not want to see me, nor does he want the kids to see me.

Last week my therapist gave me some homework. One was to send the kids a card, which I did. The second was to write a letter to Brickman, whether I send it or not is up to me. The letter is to tell him how hard this has been on me for the past month.  I have been trying to do this for a week and it just come out whiny which isn’t how I want to letter to be if I end up sending it. I wonder if I should even send it honestly.

I just wish I could flip the switch in my head so I would not think and miss them during this time.  In the month we have been broken up I have not once received any indication that he or the kids miss me. It breaks my heart all over again. Time. He asked for time. It’s been a month today. I know it will take longer than a month to work through stuff. I dunno. I wish he would communicate with me what he is doing to work on himself and how its going. He tells me that he “takes every day, one day at a time” but that’s about it.  I will see my therapist in a hour and we’ll work on it I’m sure.

Thank you for asking! I got the results yesterday. All is good. I go back for a MRI in 6 months.  For now I need to keep a log of when I have the pain  and I need to follow up with my Primary Care  about a random pain I have had for a few weeks if it doesn’t go away.

The kids are having  Father Field day today and I am sure I will get photos later. I am not going to ask again to see the kids. I put it out there, they will get my card and life will keep moving on.

I have been pretty stressed this week about my mammogram today.  Brickman and I have been in correspondence this week and last night I messaged him about how I am nervous and worried. He was encouraging, telling me to not worry or be concerned until the doctor says something is wrong. To take each day, one day at a time. Just like life right now. One day at a time.

I’ll post how it went later on.

You’re right. I do need to work on that.  I am not there. I cannot be thinking like that. Easier said than done. I wish I could just turn off that part of my brain that makes me miss them.

I had a good visit with my therapist today. We talked about how to approach him about talking to the kids but a lot of how the mixed signal Brickman is sending. She suggested an over the counter aid in helping me to stabilize my mood and be able to sleep at night so I will look for that. I also have an appointment with my GP  next week to talk about my anxiety and depression per my therapists suggestion as well.

I hate that I am like this. I have never been this kind of person, to be sad and lonely and miserable, constantly, endlessly. It’s really hard to move past it.

I am 35 (36 in less than two weeks) and he is 45.

When he asked me last summer to move in this past December, I wanted to wait to get to know the children and establish a good and solid relationship with them, which he was in agreement with for me to move in the summer of 2017. In January he was nervous about me moving in and we talked about in depth for a while deciding to postpone moving in till the time felt right. The kids love me and want me there living with them full time (at least the younger ones did, they often stated it)

The mother’s departure is hard on the kids. They cry at night and can’t understand they she left and had to move 20+ hours away. Frankly Brickman still doesn’t understand. When the kids ask her she is vague in her answer. He is angry and frustrated that she left and he is working with his therapist on that. The kids see their about being sad and missing her.

I can understand that the kids are hurting, and witnessing their pain hurts us. What parent wants to see their child hurting?

I personally wish that I could spend some time with them. Take them to the local festival I’m going to this weekend which they would love, and out to lunch. Brickman mentioned to his friend last week that the kids want to spend time with me. I just don’t know if I wait for him to bring it up or if I should.

Interesting day.

I had a mammogram scheduled for April and my doctor thought that was too far away as she doesn’t like how some lumps feel so I now have an appointment next week. I sent Brickman a message letting him know the reason why and he messaged back immediately asking if I wanted him to go with me. “I’m here if you need me. I know I haven’t been chatty lately (working on my stuff as you know) But I’m here for you if you need me. I know I haven’t said THAT either regularly but I am. And I’m saying it now. So there. I’m here. Honey, don’t stress ok? Keep me posted.”

That was really good to hear (well read).

Update.

Yesterday I was having a really good day with low anxiety. After lunch I got a message from Brickman & I’s mutual friend. He said that he had lunch with brickman that “they had a really good talk. Very Positive! I’ll fill you in later. Breathe!” So 9 hours later our friend messages me that they had a good talk at lunch. Brickman is working hard with his therapist and he plans to see her again at the end of the month. Our friend mentioned that Brickman said he Loves me and just needs time to work on himself.” I thought it seemed liked a good sign, he’s taking his therapy seriously and I felt comfortable.

This morning, Brickman messaged me Good morning and we started texting. After asking about the kids he said his son is having a hard time with missing his mom and balancing his stress and schoolwork. I encouraged getting the kids in to see their therapist. He and the kids have had a lot of talks about their mom and the kids are having trouble processing everything.

Brickman and I messaged about various things throughout the day and he mentioned that he hoped to get out in his workshop on the 18/19. I waited a few minutes and told him I would be near his town on the 18th as I was going to a local flower festival. I guess I hoped he would say, “would you like me to ask if the kids would like to go? Or would you like to meet for lunch?” Nothing.

He then told me that he and the kids are going away from the 23-26. Which just disappointed me so much because my Birthday is the 26th. I don’t even know if he thought of that. I don’t know if I should mention it to him.

He talked about the kids after that. How he wants to spend as much time with them as possible. He wants them to know that they are loved and he wants to make memories with them. I asked him “It seems like you guys have a lot of stuff scheduled coming up. What’s with that?” His reply what that is is struggling right now as a single parent he has so much to do, laundry, dinner, grocery shopping, bills, mowing the lawn. He wants to finally do what we talked about for months, to paint his bedroom and put in a new floor. I told him  that I understood he feels like he needs to do a lot of this on his own and that I support that. I am also happy to come over and help. His response was “i know you do. i know you’re there. and i appreciate knowing that.”

I just feel like I was gutted. I am struggling to get through each day and I have a small group of friends that message or call me daily to check on me and care about me. I would be in a lot worse state if it weren’t for them. I can’t fathom how close he and I  were for 10 months and then he’s just retreating and fleeing. I am giving him time and space and I am getting very little in return. I am not going to reply to him. I am not going to message him. Radio silence is what’s going to happen for a while. It breaks my heart.