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August 18, 2016 at 1:29 pm in reply to: The Phantom of Love #112773

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Dear Anita:

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words.

The world would indeed be a far different place—a better place—if there were more sustained empathy in it.

Although the movie A Beautiful Mind faux pas-ed in its portrayal of the Nash Equilibrium, as well as its portrayal of Adam Smith’s theory, I am inclined to agree with the idea that the best result comes from everyone in the group (families, friends, neighborhoods, cities, states, countries, and humanity on the whole)—and each group, as well—doing not only what is best for him/her/itself, but also what is good for the whole group/collection of groups/humanity.

I suggest that through the mutual application of empathy between two or more people, a group is mentally and socially formed, and from there the idea above applies from the micro to the macro. The keyword, however, is “mutual.” Empathy, as you rightly implied, shouldn’t only be one-sided.

That’s also not to say that empathy is the only thing needed for a world of happy human interaction, but it is a danged good start.

In point of fact, I was not looking for a girlfriend when I met her, nor am I now. I am well at ease with not being in a relationship. (In her case, I am particularly well at ease with not being in a parasitic relationship!) I would, however, be very happy to have someone in my life, with whom I am mutually compatible, who is like the person you describe.

My relationship with her was a learning experience, as are all relationships. Although I have realistically known this all along, through my experiences with her, the idealist part of me was a bit saddened to be made fully aware that, in the end, compassion is a risk to the person extending the compassion, and perhaps to the person being shown compassion—if the compassion unwittingly enables a negative behavior, for example. On the other hand, for everyone to withhold compassion from each other would constitute a risk to “the group” as well.

And then there would be far too many frowny faces in the world. 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

Danged if we do; danged if we don’t.

CMI 🙂

August 17, 2016 at 3:04 pm in reply to: The Phantom of Love #112697

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Dear Anita:

Thank you for your thoughts.

I wholly agree with you about the root causes being fewer than the resulting symptoms. In fact, one of the things that terrified me was considering all of the known destructive ways the disorders I researched could manifest themselves in a person’s life. On top of that, many of those manifestations were issues in themselves that could manifest other destructive behaviors and consequences in the person’s life. From one or a few root causes, one could easily imagine how, without treatment etc. a whole life could be spent in self-destructive misery. A whole life of great potential could be wasted. In the most ideal sense, a whole lifetime of value to one’s self, one’s community, the world, and humanity could be lost.

Add to that the ways in which those destructive behaviors could negatively affect other peoples’ lives, and duplicate/perpetuate the original root cause or causes in others, particularly children, one can see how describing it as “terrifying” is not as hyperbolic as one might initially think.

Regarding her empathy:

Her empathy waxed and waned depending where she was on the push-pull cycle, and how her visits with her therapist went. At times she seemed to have the ability to see things objectively, and to feel true empathy for me. But when she was on the push part of the cycle, there was very little empathy at best, and usually none at all. Before I had done the research, and better understood what she was dealing with, her periodic lack of empathy (which started out infrequent at first, but became more and more frequent the more emotionally intimate we came) was something on which I gave her leeway. I was still researching the things with which she told me she had been diagnosed, and I didn’t even clearly understand those things at the time. Therefore, to avoid exacerbating her challenges, I decided to err on the side of compassion, and attribute her lack of empathy to the fact that she was dealing with bigger things at the moment—something I now know that I shouldn’t have done. When I finally figured out what her behaviors were most indicative of (which was not related to the diagnoses she told me about), including her frequent lack of empathy, and that the disorder inclined her to abuse my compassion, etc., our days were already numbered.

CMI

August 17, 2016 at 3:03 pm in reply to: The Phantom of Love #112696

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

You’re welcome, Butterfly0307.

It sounds like you really have done some good research.

The Stockholm syndrome was mentioned several times in the material I read. You might dig into that a bit more.

Regarding closure, much of what I read suggested that you write down everything you want to say, and write out all the questions you want to ask, and rant as you would like, but then don’t send it. Never send it. Stick with no contact whatsoever.

I also suggest that you might find it beneficial to make a list of what you hope to accomplish by actually engaging in communication with him regarding closure. Then ask yourself, based on your knowledge of his past behavior, if there really is any good chance that those things will be accomplished. Also consider how he might take the opportunity to derail your closure and put you back into the push-pull cycle. Weigh the chances for a positive closure, and if the risk of even greater negativity is not acceptable, then don’t do it.

Also consider the role hope plays in sending him a letter. I speculate that the chances of you (or anyone) hoping for a reply would be significant. In such a case, hope itself would prolong your pain and delay you becoming happy again. I suggest that the sooner you let hope for the relationship to die, the sooner you will be able to decompress from your pain and anxiety.

Beyond that, it is hard for me to give you advice on closure. My situation was different, and the way things ended provided all the closure necessary.

Another motif in the material I read was the benefit of therapy (with a qualified and caring therapist) for those who are recovering from experiences with BPD, NPD, and sociopathic partners. If you aren’t already seeing a therapist to help you with this, you might consider how it may benefit you and speed your healing.

If you create a new, stand-alone thread, I’m sure the other members would have some good input and advice for you. They may not see your question here.

Stay strong. You can make it through this.

CMI

August 16, 2016 at 3:42 pm in reply to: The Phantom of Love #112528

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Hi, Butterfly0307.

I know the emotional pain and anxiety that go along with the push-pull cycle are terrible. I’m sorry that you are experiencing that.

One of the things that helped me put things in perspective, and ultimately find a way to effectively deal with it, was research. The more I researched her behaviors, the more I understood what was going on and why. Once I narrowed her behaviors down to a few possibilities, I started researching what the best books were on the subjects, and then I bought the books and read them.

I also found several resources on the web that were helpful.

Most of the material I found in books and on the web, all discuss the things you mention: off and on (push-pull cycle), the lack of health in the relationship; ceasing all contact; the desire for closure and how the person with the disorder often doesn’t care at all about closure or understanding how he or she hurt the other person; the possibility (or significant lack of possibility) of being friends; and the desire to understand why someone can repeatedly hurt another apparently with no remorse.

You may find it to your benefit to research borderline personality disorder (BPD), and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

I hope all the best for you.

CMI

August 16, 2016 at 3:41 pm in reply to: The Phantom of Love #112527

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Hi, nyres817.

Thank you for your reply.

From what she told me, the skills and priorities of her parents were not conducive to lovingly, caringly, and effectively raising children. As I mentioned to Anita, though, I don’t really know what to believe about what she said. I think the fact that she manifests the behaviors she does suggests that she may have had at least some significant deficiencies in her upbringing. As you suggest, I think she probably has never experienced a healthy relationship to know how one functions, either.

To clarify, she ended the relationship, albeit with my tacit (but full) agreement. Since abandonment was a primary element in her fear of intimacy, I did not want to be the one to leave. Nonetheless, she did me an immeasurable kindness by ending the relationship. I don’t think, however, that she felt any loss whatsoever about me being gone from her life. I know she had orbiters (people she was developing to become temporary interests), and I learned that she was seeing other people while seeing me.

I will not reach out to her, and we’ve had what closure is necessary.

I am happy to hear that you are more yourself than ever before. I hope all the best for you.

CMI

August 16, 2016 at 3:41 pm in reply to: The Phantom of Love #112526

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Dear Anita:

Thank you for your reply.

I would certainly like to think that the closeness she and I shared was indeed real, and that she had at least some genuine affection for me. But, of course, I can’t see the world through her eyes. Without a doubt it was all real on my part. When we discussed our relationship, closeness, challenges, etc., she was at times more inclined to talk about those things in terms of the superficial rather than the substantive. I don’t doubt that she felt vulnerable, though.

After several months of getting to know each other, she began confiding her past experiences to me, and the subsequent mental issues with which she had been diagnosed because of those experiences. I chose to allow her a certain amount of latitude in her behavior in the belief that her struggles with her supposed issues deserved some leeway. (I say “supposed” because in my research into her behavior, I found that the behaviors she manifested where far less indicative of the things with which she told me that she had been diagnosed, and much, much more indicative of another disorder about which she never told me. I also learned that folks with that particular disorder frequently misrepresent their past, claiming most of the experiences she claimed, as a means of gaining sympathy from others and exploiting their compassion, and also to excuse their own poor behavior. I honestly don’t know what to believe.)

I am not one to court abuse, but I see in hindsight that I should not have allowed her such leeway, in spite of her issues—which reminds me of the joke about the little boy who asked his mother why one dog was mounted on the rear of another dog. His mother told him that the dog on the other dog’s back had a hurt paw, and the dog in front was helping the hurt dog home. The little boy shook his head and said, “Isn’t that typical? You try to be kind to someone and they [insert coitus verb here] you.”)

CMI

August 16, 2016 at 3:41 pm in reply to: The Phantom of Love #112525

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Hi, Inky.

Thanks for your reply.

I’m sorry that you went through that.

Even now her “less awesome” side is emerging. I won’t go into detail, but it is very sad to see.

I sincerely hope that in a couple of decades she will have had twenty years of excellent therapy, with a qualified and caring therapist, and that she will be well on her way to being the truly awesome person I believe she has the potential to be.

By that time, though, our relationship will only be a distant memory and a tiny thread in the fabric of my life.

Blessings to you, too.

CMI

August 7, 2016 at 11:30 am in reply to: Stuck in friendship? #111779

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Megan,

From your post it sounds like there are several different people involved in this dilemma:

Person A: You, a close friend of Person B, and a member of groups C and D

Person B: Your close friend, an “unhealthy” and “toxic” person, whose behavior is “damaging to his friends” (Group C and you), and who is “not very respectful of confidentiality,” with whom you are not as honest as you would like to be, and with whom want to “lead a healthier friendship”

Group C: Person B’s “friends,” who “can’t stand him” and who “share [your] feelings” about him being an unhealthy, toxic person, and who behave in ways you think Person B should know about

Group D: “Other people involved” in the “pretty bad” “secret” that is a “very intense situation in [your] life”

Person E: “Someone else,” who is directly affected by the “secret,” and who is possibly a member of Group D

Is that correct?

If so, can you be more specific about who “they” are, who have “such personality traits,” who are a “loaded gun,” who you don’t want to “upset”? Is this Group C or Group D, or another group altogether? Is Person E a member of Group D?

If I understand you correctly, you would like to tell Person B about Group C’s feelings about him (feelings that you share), and their behaviors (that apparently pertain to him) that you think he should know about. You want to do this to be more honest with him and to lead a healthier friendship with him.

However, if you do tell him about Group B’s feelings and behaviors, you’re afraid that he will reveal your role in the “pretty bad” “secret.”

If Person B reveals the secret, and your role in it, you are afraid of: what the “loaded gun” group (possibly Group C) who have “such personality traits” will do, apparently to you; how Group D, who are involved in the secret, will be affected and/or how they may react; and how Person E may be affected.

If all of that is correct, you’d like to know what to do?

CMI

July 6, 2016 at 9:44 pm in reply to: Turning 25 and SCARED of everything!!! Pleas help me! #109032

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Dear Wannabe Warrior,

You mentioned that your anxiety began around eight weeks ago. Was there a specific event in your life that triggered this anxiety?

Regarding your personal safety, I suggest that being aware of your current situation is empowering to you. You see, and you can imagine, how you could be vulnerable, which gives you the opportunity, and perhaps the motivation, to make a plan to become more responsible for your own personal safety. I suggest that a few areas of exploration for you are R.A.D. training, and Krav Maga training.

An acquaintance of mine recently went through the basic R.A.D. training, and she came out of it feeling much more empowered about her ability to manage her own safety, as well being aware of her responsibility to actively improve her abilities to protect herself. It was almost surprising to see the effect it had on her. She plans to take the advanced R.A.D. class, and I have encouraged her to begin Krav Maga after that, if not sooner.

Of course, there is so much more to protecting one’s self than just the physical, e.g. situational awareness, how to think during an intense situation, how to de-escalate such situations, and how not to get into such situations in the first place; up to, and including much less physical things such as setting boundaries in your personal relations to protect your mental or psychological well-being. You can become adept in all of these things, physical and non-physical. I suggest that, as you mentioned, shoving your head back up your ass, and not paying attention, will be counterproductive to you feeling more secure and in control of your ability to protect yourself.

However, there very well may be a deeper, unaddressed experience (or experiences) in your life that may be contributing to your anxiety. I defer to Anita to explore that possibility with you.

Regarding the U.S. Presidential election, I suggest that you are not alone in being stressed about it. Many people I’ve talked with are stressed about it. To discuss everything that has contributed to the U.S.’s current state of political affairs, however, would, I think, require a whole forum unto itself. Please know that you are not alone, but also be cognizant of what you can control and of what you can’t. If the things that cause you anxiety about the Presidential election (or anything else: world affairs, the economy, wars, “terrorism,” etc.) are currently beyond your control to ameliorate or repair, I suggest that you focus your energies on the things in your life that you can control or improve.

Regarding the news, I suggest that much of it in the U.S. is primarily infotainment. From what I can tell (except in very few instances), true, objective, informative journalism is dead. The majority of what is presented as “news” appears to me to be fear-mongering to entertain to sell air-time, or designed to further a political or corporate objective, which is also to sell air-time. Filtering the news, with an eye toward eliminating the BS, will help you to determine what deserves your concern and what doesn’t.

I also suggest that the awareness of your mortality is empowering. Based on that, you can roughly estimate how much time you have to live your life in such a way that you determine to be worthwhile and fulfilling. To use an analogy, if you consider life to be a test with no specified end-time, but you know that the test will indeed end within a roughly estimated time, you may be more inclined to use your time in a manner that you deem to be the wisest to achieve the best “grade” you can. By “grade” I mean a self-imposed measure—your own self-imposed measure—of how you did. I will leave the measures of religion out of it.

I think that the world can indeed be a scary place, and that life can indeed be scary. But to truly live, I suggest that one must face the fears one can, and endeavor to determine, and do, the best one can to live one’s life as best as one can.

Consider, too, that you are not alone in your life’s trials. Millions and millions of people have experienced the same fears and anxieties with which you are currently concerned, and any fears and anxieties you may encounter in the future (and thankfully, many more that you won’t encounter). As you are doing here, by posting your concerns, I suggest that you seek the knowledge of others, in whatever form that knowledge may take (ancient to cutting-edge) to better inform your assessment and options when dealing with the situations that cause you angst. Filter out what works for you, and use that as a starting point to empower yourself and move forward.

You can give into an eternal sense of doom, or you can take life as the challenge it is and learn what you can to empower yourself and move forward in the best way you can, in any direction you see fit.

You CAN do it!

CMI

June 30, 2016 at 8:14 pm in reply to: Regular Runners #108634

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Hi, Nina.

Sorry for the late reply.

You’re welcome!

I hope you’ll advance your training at a comfortable pace. Speaking from my own experience, nothing kills my motivation to train like an injury: pulled muscle; shin splints; twisted ankle; foot, knee, or hip injury, etc.; and nothing kills my joy for training more than turning it into a job of constant improvement.

As long as you are actively training, even if you are not where you would ultimately like to be (as far as fitness and fitness goals are concerned), as long as you stick with it, improving at your own pace, you are far better off than doing nothing.

You go, girl!

CMI

June 24, 2016 at 8:56 pm in reply to: Regular Runners #108172

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Hi, Nina Sakura.

Although cycling is my only aerobic sport now, I used to cross-train to supplement my aerobic fitness by running (minimum of an 8-minute mile) three 5 KMs a week. I never ran a marathon (nor did I ever want to do so), so I can’t be of much help there. Nonetheless, for your consideration, here are the practices that I found to be the most beneficial for running:

1) Warm up by slow-jogging at least ¼ of a mile.
2) Stretch thoroughly: legs (calves, quadriceps, glutei, hamstrings), back (latissimus dorci, trapezius, erector spinae), shoulders and neck. Stretching is very important because it helps to avoid injuries.
3) Set yourself a goal of either time (mile per minute, or total time per distance), or distance (how far you run) and force yourself to meet that goal, increasing the goal as necessary.
4) Warm down after the run is over, by either slow-jogging or walking at least ¼ of a mile.
5) Stretch thoroughly again, same as above.

If you aren’t already familiar with how to do so, I also suggest that you learn how to hydrate properly, and how to feed your body what it needs to recover from the stress it endures while running. The proper amount of sleep is important, too.

Of course, it depends on your goals, but if your intent is to systematically increase your fitness level, with a goal of getting stronger, faster, and more competitive, I suggest that you learn about zone training (a percentage of your maximum heart rate) to make the most of your workouts.

Other basic necessities are good, quality running shoes, and functional running attire.

I’m sure there are other, more experienced and dedicated runners here who can give you advice as well.

CMI

June 12, 2016 at 8:29 pm in reply to: Tai Chi or Yoga? #107089

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

Thanks for your insight, Anita.

I’m going to take a Tai Chi class and see how I like it.

The objective state of being and participation is something I would really like to achieve again. The mindfulness you describe was part of that as well, but what I experienced was much more than that. It might have been a fluke, and I’m not completely sure how I achieved it, but I’d like to get back there.

Have a great week!

June 10, 2016 at 5:10 pm in reply to: Tai Chi or Yoga? #106883
Call Me Ishmael
Participant
Dear Anita,

Thank you again for your reply.

Hmmm. The props seem a bit pedantic, and perhaps even distracting, but then what the heck do I know? Maybe that is what is necessary.

One of the aspects of Tai Chi and Yoga that I am hoping to capitalize upon is mindfulness.

Many years ago, I practiced meditation based only on a few instructions given to me by an acquaintance of mine: instructions pertaining to a combination of tensing the body followed by a focus on relaxing it, all while deep-breathing from the diaphragm, as a preparation to meditating, as well as clearing my mind and stopping my eye movement during meditation.

During this period of my life, I was also very intent on moving myself out of the center of my experience, and becoming more empathetic.

After a period of time (I don’t recall how long), I don’t know if it was – what seemed to me to be – the deep levels of meditation I achieved, or the effort I put into becoming more empathetic, I eventually found myself experiencing everything, even myself, as if I were an observer as well as a participant. It was such a wonderful way of experiencing existence! Everything seemed to be just the way it should be, no more and no less, and I was participating in things as positively as possible, no more and no less. (I could dilate so much more on this, but I’ll let that suffice.) Although I didn’t know it at the time, I suspect that I had (at the very least) achieved some small state of mindfulness, and it was one of the happiest times in my life.

I have recently tried to recall and practice that process of meditation, but I still have a long way to go. I have read a few books on mindfulness, but I have a hard time implementing their suggested practices. Nonetheless, I suspect that there are several paths to mindfulness, and I do not intend to give up.

Based on your experience, which would you suggest is the shorter path to mindfulness: Tai Chi or Yoga? From your earlier reply, I suspect that you might suggest Tai Chi.

Of course, all insights are welcomed from all others who have experience with these things.

Thanks again,

CMI
- This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Call Me Ishmael.
June 10, 2016 at 3:40 pm in reply to: Tai Chi or Yoga? #106870

Call Me Ishmael
Participant

I’ve done some research and found two locations right next to each other, one that teaches Tai Chi, and one that teaches Yoga.

The Tai Chi style that is taught is the short Yang style. The web site does not give the instructor’s name or his student lineage to Yang Lu-Ch’an as do some other sites I’ve seen from schools around the USA. It’s the only Tai Chi school in town though, and would be a good place to start.

The level one and two classes of Yoga are Iyengar Yoga, with a mixture of Hatha and Vinyasa styles taught in the higher intensity classes.

Does anyone have any insight to the short Yang style, or Iyengar, Hatha, and Vinyasa schools of Yoga?

Anita,

Thanks for your follow-up and for pointing me to your Sifu’s site. If I go with DVDs on Tai Chi, I can tell from Sifu Gore’s videos that it is important to find videos that show the movements from two angles, not just the front.

My thanks again to everyone!

CMI

June 8, 2016 at 6:52 pm in reply to: Tai Chi or Yoga? #106753
Call Me Ishmael
Participant
Dear Inky, Anita, and Tracy,

Thank you all for your kind replies!

I would ideally like to take up both Tai Chi and Yoga at the same time. I suspect that both would be a significant benefit to me. The additional social interaction would be nice, too, however slight it may be. For now, though, my budget is fairly tight, so I will limit myself to only one until I have a larger income. My hope is to get the biggest bang for my buck on as many levels as possible: mindful, meditative, physical, physiological, etc. I’ve considered buying DVDs for the one that I don’t attend classes.

Inky,

I am a moderately active person, biking 20+ miles two to three times a week, plus other aerobic activities, and lifting, in addition to all of the yard work I do, so I could probably handle the Yoga. But I am also on the tail-end of decompressing from an extremely stressful two months (in my personal and professional life), and a subsequent three very stressful months in my personal life. For the last few months I’ve only had the mental and emotional energy to tread water, so to speak, but it is getting better and better every day. Considering that my energy level is increasing, Yoga may be the way for me to go.

Anita,

The variations in the instructors’ backgrounds, and the particular schools of philosophy to which they adhere, are things that I hadn’t fully considered. I will have to do more research on that. Any insight you can share about what may be the most beneficial would be greatly appreciated. As an Agnostic, and one who has academically studied many philosophies and religions, I am not particularly interested in doctrine or dogma, but I am willing to be open-minded. If I decide on Tai Chi, I will take your advice and try to find a Sifu.

Tracy,

Kripalu Yoga sounds like the Yoga in which I am more interested. I get my more strenuous workouts in other ways. Your suggestion of taking a few classes of each is excellent advice!

And thank you for your kind wishes. Right back at ya’!

Again, my thanks to, and my best hopes for, all of you!

CMI
- This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Call Me Ishmael.
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