Dear TeaK,

I don’t remember him being present when these things happened. There was a lot of alone time with my mom before the divorce, when I was 8. My dad was stationed to a different state after that and my life was moving often. I lived exclusively with my mom and my abusive stepdad from the ages 11-17.

Thank you so much for asking, I really do appreciate your involvement with all this. I’m not crying as much. I’m still having dreams, still sticking to the logic of focusing on myself while my emotions are telling me that I miss S. I’m trying to do things for myself that are also preparing me for the mess with M that I am returning home to in a few days.

Dear TeaK,

That’s a very good observation. In my youth I wasn’t coping actually, I was severely depressed and had suicidal ideations until I was 17 when I moved to live with my dad. I think I got a job to be able to be more productive and “valuable”. Resourceful is definitely the better word.

I definitely think this is what happened.

Dear TeaK,

I appreciate you for sharing that information with me. That’s exactly what happened when I spoke to my mom, and I have accepted that until she is willing to change I need to protect myself as best as I can.

I do think it’s a similar dynamic. What is sad to me, despite this revelation, is that S and I had a wonderful, respectful adult-adult relationship until his cheating triggered the parent-child dynamic. So regaining that original but stronger dynamic with S would take work on my end, if that ever happens in the future.

Now, what is extremely interesting to me is that with M, my current relationship, I have heavily become the mother in our relationship. Neither of his parents supported him emotionally, usually causing harm or neglecting him, and his mother only gave him food and a roof over his head. She still shuts him out, and is very much not involved with his life despite seeing him on holidays and all of his efforts to connect with her. Even before I moved in with him, M slacked all emotional regulation and household caretaking as I naturally “take care of things” if I see that something needs to be done. Moving in has especially made this so, as I want to live in a comfortable home, and hence a huge reason why I am now moving out. He reproached me for acting like a mom and not a girlfriend, but then treats me like a “mother figure” that cleans up after him and doesn’t require any attention, time, or consideration that comes with an adult mutual relationship…which is what he has with his mother.

To me it seems like M has the same issue with me that I had with S.

Dear Anita,

Above, in my response to TeaK, you can see that I had a rough childhood. But I was able to reroute my thoughts as an adult for years until S cheated cheated. Again, the effects of that on my mental health are not up for debate – my current dilemma is what to do 5 years later, now in a complicated and not fulfilling relationship with M, with my ex S confessing he wishes he could be with me but he is also in a relationship…and now has cut off all communication to protect both of our relationships. It’s the pain of not being happy to begin with, and now with this mutual but inaccessible love with S.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder%3famp

You used multiple sources that excluded certain types of trauma from PTSD from other lists, so I wouldn’t be so close minded about how PTSD can manifest. One of your lists limits PTSD to war, terrorism, and violence, while another includes emotional abuse and sexual abuse.

One of your quotes said “witnessing or experiencing“, so even if I did not witness the cheating I still experienced it. I am someone who holds sex as sacred, and this felt similar to sexual abuse (which, yes, I have been directly sexually abused before as well).

I would prefer it if people who replied would address the actual issue here that I’m talking about, the dilemma that I’m in, and not try to dismantle a diagnosis that isn’t so relevant to my dilemma (my ex and I still love each other but have partners) by the end of my story.

Dear Anita,

I have seen multiple therapists who specialise with infidelity and couples as well, and I respectfully think it’s not fair for you to tell me that it’s not what I’m experiencing. And diagnosis aside, the result was panic attacks and overwhelming thoughts that I am dying, as a result of the cheating. Those are the feelings my therapists were addressing, along with depression and anxiety, which have the same treatment plans as people who have been abused in the past that match your idea of PTSD. It was never a conversation of gauging and comparing trauma, which is extremely subjective.

You seem to be focusing on PTSD as a result of a physical traumatic response, where someone’s physical well-being was threatened. Emotional trauma absolutely can morph someone’s thoughts to the point where they feel as if they are physically unsafe as well, and I think that is something you should consider, as it was my case

.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Candice88.

Dear TeaK,

He told me that he changed from reflecting on what I may have gone through, and never wanting to make someone feel that again.

Yes, I had massive self esteem issues from him, a very successful, ambitious person who I was supposed to trust, telling me over and over how I should get “over it” and that I was embarrassing. I definitely absorbed that. I also want to try every avenue before ending relationships because I cannot live with thinking “what if?”, then absorbing that as guilt as well.

That desire for him to change for future relationships came after the breakup, when I blamed him completely for it’s failing but still hated myself. Before the breakup I begged for change, but he never acknowledged then that there was anything wrong with his actions.

I never wanted to save him – both S and M presented themselves as whole and healed people, and it took time for me to realize for myself that they were anything but. I’m focused on emotional intelligence and communication, so I ended up having to carry the weight for both relationships in efforts to do my best by them. Despite the suffering it caused me.

Hi Anita,

To answer your questions:

1) I’ve been to a few therapists and they said depending on the person, yes, PTSD can occur even if the cheated hasn’t witnessed the cheating. I was surprised by this diagnosis, but apparently it does happen. Not everyone gets, it’s rare, but it’s not abnormal.

2) Ruined meaning my mind was permanently redirected that at any moment, reality could become a nightmare state. Hence the anxiety and panic attacks. The breakup was very life altering – I’ve moved countries and across the US multiple times for this person, lost jobs, lost money and a home, and I still don’t feel like I’ve recovered. So while realistically I know I’m still alive and have had and will have good memories since the breakup, I worry that I won’t be the whole healthy person I was before he cheated.

3) Yes. They told me that even if a flashback or panic attack happens once a year, daily for a month, or suddenly after 20/30/40 years…the cheater, if they still want the relationship, should comfort and console the cheated in moments of panic. That’s the only way for trust to be rebuilt, instead of teaching the cheated that the partner hasn’t changed.