Hi Zariah

Though my situation is a little different, I wanted to share with you my experience. My father use to be abusive, now its just emotional abusive and its truly because he feels he is doing the right thing by telling me the worse. (might be a cultural thing) anyways. My mom is and has been a alcoholic for as long as i can remember and this is due to a bazillion reasons (one being my dad met someone else since back in 94′ and til this day denies it though my mom knows. Just for his selfish reasons he does not tell her the truth and to set her emotions free) which i get why she hurts and needs to numb herself, but she does not have the self will to overcome those demons. Needless to say growing up in this type of situation was hard. I have two other siblings but they spent most of the time off in boarding school and ‘away’ from the drama. So in summary i had the worst experience out of all. Little disclosure, though the emotional abuse was horrid, we do have great times together when they are besides this behavior.

One thing i have learned throughout all these years, was to understand why they were the way they were. Things ive learned from psychology class and from reading books (i love to read) and being a single parent right now (a reading a million books on child development), has opened up my eyes as to where this type of believe came from. Now that i understand psychologically how they came to be who they are, i have learned to accept whom they become. I love my mother. and her childhood was full of neglect, emotional abuse, and basically no nurture. She has never really learned to be an individual woman growing up in a wealthy family but cast aside as the least favorite child. She means the best for all of us but she struggles with her temper. the guilt she feels afterwards is what shows her true being. She does not know how to take a pause and filter the things she said, she does what she only knows. Though many can overcome, unfortunately with the current situation with my dad, it is a steep road to climb and one which me and my sister fear she will never fulfill. My father is a completely different story but i wanted to give you an example with my mom. Thats step one.

Step two is to understand and remind yourself daily,

you cannot change another persons behavior or personality, however you can change how YOU handle the information.

You are the ONLY person who can control your mindset and how to see your life. I understand it is very difficult for you, especially since you are not currently financially able to move out yet. But accepting the situation and that this is not your fault is a start. its no ones fault. Life is a journey and it always going to have humps and dead ends. A car works a little harder driving up the hill but a hill always has a down and going down will be a breeze. Same metaphor applies to dead ends. You hit a dead end, you take another route to your destination. You wouldn’t just give up and sit at the dead end forever would you?

Be strong and stand up for yourself . Dont need to be confrontational, but as long as you let your mother behave like that, she will forever treat you like that. example “Mother, i understand this is hard for you to grasp and im sure you have good intentions, but i cannot deal with your negative emotions right now. In respect to living under your roof, please know i have every intention to find another job as soon as possible” – then walk away. This is only an example as i do not know how your mother is or what her back story is. Im sure she will be furious and may continue to blab, but this is where it circle backs to how you take the information and situation. Remember only you can determine what hurts you. Understand and remember to refuse to let others define you. You have to understand you will never be able to run away from all those who cause you pain. Its a sad world like that, but its human nature. Dont live your life in fear. Live with confidence and poise.

I also sense you are lacking in self esteem – which is normal growing up in this type of situation. Read books, learn new things, the knowledge is limitless. The more you can collect and understand, the better you will be able to handle a challenge in life. Remember, dont dwell in the situation, appreciate having a roof over your head, use this time to really network, and to find a career path.

The answer is in yourself, have the courage to find it.

I hope this post helped somewhat. Good luck 🙂