Profile
Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
March 10, 2017 at 12:14 pm #138893
CrystalParticipantHi Claudio,
Wow – you sound exactly like me. I have had my heartbroken time and again because of the expectations that someone else will fill up the void that actually needs to be filled with love and compassion for myself. It’s hard work getting to that point. I went to CoDA for a year and a half and thought I had all my sh*t together but somehow fell back down the rabbit hole when someone promised to love me and “complete” me. I guess I did not take the work seriously enough.
I now believe it’s life-long process of retraining our brains. All our beliefs about ourselves are put on us by others, though various traumas, mine also from childhood. It’s like living in hell when you don’t believe you’re worthy of your own love, let alone someone else’s. Therapy – with the RIGHT therapist – will turn some of your views around and between that and CoDA and a good meditation practice (just my suggestion) you will get there. I just finished an amazing book that another participant had listed here so I’ll make the recommendation: How Did I Get Here by Barbara De Angelis. She has some really deep insights.
Try to remember that all the pain and grief you feel is there to teach you deep lessons. They may not be evident yet, but in time you will be grateful for the experience. Love to you…
February 25, 2017 at 2:19 pm #129419CrystalParticipantAnita you are so right. I’ve been in therapy trying to untwist the mental part. I’ll get there eventually. I do think there are a ton of past traumas that need to come out of the closet and be examined. I have to tell I wrote all of your head/heart conversation in my journal and shared it with my therapist today. I think it’s great stuff and I don’t want to forget it! Thank you for all the love and support!
February 25, 2017 at 5:32 am #129317CrystalParticipantYou all are so amazing and beautiful. I have not been able to dig down to that core and just simply feel and love the emotions that come up. Too scary I guess. I do lack love and compassion for myself and have been forever looking for that external magic bullet that will fix me. I’m attaching stories to everything just like Poppyxo said. Maybe there’s part of me that wants to feel like this. If I am the victim long enough, someone will save me, right?? When I boil all this down, I need to stop trying so hard and just keep it simple. Acceptance, forgiveness, compassion for myself. Dig deep and allow that scared and hurt little girl to speak up and give her love.
Anita: You may be the most insightful person I have ever heard from. After all the books I’ve read – thousands of pages about how to go through this “process” and blah blah blah. And you sum up everything in a few sentences. Now that’s authentic.
My heart says please love me. And it’s saying it to the rest of my Self, not to anyone on the outside. I think something just clicked…
I am forever grateful to everyone for sharing your experiences and your wisdom with me here. You are all my gurus 🙂
February 24, 2017 at 2:42 pm #129245CrystalParticipantAnita – you are right on the money. I always try to rationalize with my mind but my heart says those very things you say. Thank you so much.
Poppyxo – The situation was happening since June of last year. Doesn’t seem like long but felt like a lifetime. Things moved so fast with him. I get triggered from anything – songs on the radio, thoughts of my life without him, thoughts of his rejection of me after all we’ve been through together. I have talked to him a couple times just lately after swearing no contact but I couldn’t bear the emptiness. He is my addiction. I don’t even think it’s him that I miss. It’s that someone loved me and swore they wouldn’t leave and then did anyway, just like everyone else in my life has done. It’s the rejection that hurts. That’s what brings up all the unworthiness and feelings of no one can love me. And when I do talk to him I can’t speak my truth. What I really want to do is scream at him but I can’t because I’m afraid that means I’ll lose my connection with him forever and I guess I would rather have him in my life in some capacity (friend) than not at all. Sounds so pathetic on paper. He broke up with me two days before Christmas and then we proceeded to spend the next week and a half together with me crying all over him and pretty much begging him not to leave. And all the while I continued to have sex with him. Then I saw him again a couple weeks later for a long weekend and did the same thing even though I knew he wasn’t going to love me romantically again. I think a whole lot of that anger is directed at myself because I feel ashamed and weak.
February 24, 2017 at 11:11 am #129201CrystalParticipantPoppyxo – you rock! Good for you. It’s so awesome to hear from others who have gone through similar experiences and are coming out the other side better than ever. I do meditate, or try, and have been off and on for a number of years. It’s hard when feeling so overwhelmed and sometimes I believe that meditation is just a way to dampen the feelings then I question myself (like always) on whether I should be doing that or not. The hamster wheel in my brain goes around and around. But I also know this is not a thinking thing, it’s a feeling thing and my biggest challenge in life is living from my heart instead of my head. Thanks for sharing the reading as well. I love Brene Brown – I assume you’ve seen her Ted talks on vulnerability. If not, soooo worth watching. I don’t know the others but am now itching to read more.
As you said, there is no overnight cure and I guess we just have to relax and trust we are doing the right things. Gotta quit beating myself up that I haven’t found all my deepest truths at the ripe old age of 45. God sets no time limits on healing so I will just persevere and keep the faith as best I can. Thanks and you are amazing as well!!
February 24, 2017 at 8:47 am #129185CrystalParticipantThanks you all for your responses. Anita – my relationship with my mother is complicated. I know where I learned codependency from as she was this way with my father who was also mentally ill and she could not walk away. I love her and she is a beautiful person but the traits she exhibits push all my buttons because they are my own as well. When we talk it’s superficial but she’s the first person I want to call when my world is shattering and she can’t be there for me in that capacity which just makes me feel more abandoned and rejected. I need to do some deep work with this inner-child thing. It’s so freaking hard!
Peter – great insight and I expect that the hindsight will one day “soften” and lead me to gratitude for this experience because I really do believe everything happens for a reason and if I don’t learn from it then what’s the point. As for the ego, I get what you’re saying about the observer. I just am not sure how to “let it be” like that, you know? I feel driven by these emotions, like they are all-consuming and I can’t step back enough to let them process. It’s like they are me – my identity. So how do I step back? Does that make sense?
VJ – Thanks for the release techniques. I will have to look some of them up.
Inky – I do journal every day and have been for years. But thoughts get caught in my head and I don’t feel like I’m being authentic in some of my writing. Like there aren’t enough words to explain how I’m feeling. I like the idea of writing the story the way I want it. That seems like an awesome idea. Perhaps it will help me re-frame. Believe me I have written him so many letters I will never send. They were therapeutic at the time. Maybe there will be more.
Love to all… 🙂
February 9, 2017 at 11:09 am #127116CrystalParticipantThank you, Anita. I appreciate that and do realize it’s only feelings. They won’t kill me but it certainly feels that way. My therapist tells me to sit with the feelings but at this point I’m not even sure what I feel. I think anger is part of it but I don’t feel I deserve to be angry because of his illness – how can you be mad at a sick person? So many things I’ve been through with him. Driving down the highway at 2am doing 110mph with the lights off and throwing salt out the windows because it’s protective. Ripping all the UPC labels off everything in the house because they can track us. Taking a shower in cold dirty standing water then wearing his clothes – don’t even remember why at this point. Him backing me into a corner and poking me because negative energy was coming through me and I had to release the demons and get my “people” (apparently the Muslims) in check so they can understand the deeper meaning of love. Creating these strange electrical devices and moving them around to scramble the energy. And the hardest, not mentioning details about anything – but I never got the rules quite right about what I could and couldn’t say or ask so most of the time I was just quiet. He is so full of rage and fear himself and wants revenge on those he feels abused him, but he says he will take them down with love. I really don’t even know what that means, but in his mind it’s going deeper and deeper to be at the level of awakening that no one else can achieve and fight some war involving aliens and technology that we’re bring controlled by. Anyway – I’ve been sufficiently brainwashed to the point that I have no idea who I am anymore. I BECAME him and now I’m lost and trying to figure out how to move on in my life with no direction. Again, thanks for listening.
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 