I’ve been thinking about all your responses and you have all helped so much!

I agree that we could/should stop trying and just call it co-parenting…I have tried, but it seems when I act cordial or at the very least civil, he assumes “everything is ok”.  That lasts until something bothers me so much that I ask to talk about it. He always get defensive, he even says he knows he’s being defensive, but nothing gets resolved. It feels like groundhogs day…be quiet, get upset, wait to talk, when I do bring it up it starts an argument and my reaction is always the problem, never the actual problem. I try so hard to just not bring anything up but it’s like it fills up my body and I have to get it out.

My therapist has suggested me letting myself worry for like 10 min everyday, but like, how? lol. This is the thing I tell her. It’s like it’s all or nothing in my brain. Today, right now, I am ok. I’m getting my work done and feel ok. But man, when it comes on it derails me!

Anita,

thank you so much for your response. The thing you said about hope struck me deeply. I think I am stuck in that hope.
For most of my life I’ve kept my mouth shut when people hurt me. In the past few years I’ve tried to handle things then and there and when it doesn’t go well or I am not able to get my point across, I leave. This has happened a few times at thanksgiving and my leaving is the only part of the whole thing that seems to be the problem. I’ve apologized, I’ve tried to explain why I have to leave (to my SO, because he wants me to keep the peace and not say anything). They never like how I approach anything and tell me I am attacking. I write things out, I feel like I am better at getting my point across, but no matter the way I word it, I get told that the way I express my hurt is too much and comes off mean.

I think I know it’s over but the biggest obstacle to us having any kind of relationship right now is me constantly feeling angry or mad about his words. They spin on repeat and I either sob or get really angry or both.

we have also changed therapists several times because I don’t feel a good connection with them and that gets thrown around to other people as I’m mad the therapists aren’t siding with me. Which is not it at all.

I’ve read so many books but I can’t keep it all straight let alone remember it all in the heat of arguments. I just want to forget all of it because it has made me feel so bad about myself. But it’s like my brain is screaming at me to keep talking about it.