Hi Anita –

Sorry I have not gotten back to this site sooner… So last I communicated with you was a week ago Monday. I actually text him Wednesday morning asking if we could talk. He replied with, “I’ll call you later tonight”. I wrote him back saying, “I would rather do it face to face please”, & he responded with, “I’ll call you later”. So I took that & let it be. That night around 9:30 he called me. I answered the phone calmly & he was cold. He said to me, “You wanted to talk…”, so coldly, like I have meant nothing to him. Like we were never engaged to be married or had an ENTIRE wedding planned out & basically paid for!! So, I calmly said to him, well it has been a month now since we last talked & I was worried about you. I wasn’t ok, you weren’t ok, I just wanted to know how you were doing. He said, “yeah well a lot of people were worried about me. I am actually doing good. Things are still crazy at work, still working everyday but, I am doing good.” I was like ok… I said I was totally caught off guard & was blindsided. I said you told me that your feelings have changed, how long were you feeling like this. He said, “Oh I guess months now…”. I was like months? He said, “Yeah well I suck at communication & that is probably why I will be single for the rest of my life, but I am working on it.” I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me! When I tell you that there were no signs Anita, I swear, I am not lying or making this all up! I asked him was there something I that I did or something I said that made him feel this way or have this sudden change of heart & all he could say to me was, “Well you’re pushy”… That was what I got!

It felt like he was trying to convince himself that he did the right thing or that he doesn’t love me. It is like he is blocking everything out of his life because he handle it all! It makes me so upset & sad. I don’t know if what he is saying to me is really true or he is just saying things because he is spooked & can’t handle it all. It didn’t even sound like him while I was talking with him… like he was a stranger to me. Like he wanted to be doing everything else other than talking with me, the woman he asked to marry him & the woman he told EVERYDAY that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with!

He told me that the week before he was in the hospital. He had stomach pains & went to the ER. He said all of a sudden they told him that he had appendicitis & was going in for surgery. He said that once they opened him up they found out he had a hernia ass well & they repaired that. He said he was out of work & didn’t even tell his job why he was out. I asked him why he didn’t say anything to his job & his response was, “I am on probation for 12 months & I need to prove that I cam handle this position. I didn’t want them to think badly of me.” My reaction to that was, this is your health! It’s not like you are just taking vacation & not coming into work”. He replied with, “well they found out & told me to get better so that I can return to the job. This is what I mean when I am poor at communication. I didn’t even tell my job what was going on. I can’t even communicate with my parents”.

I seriously don’t know what to do/say anymore. Do I completely let go? People tell me to follow my heart… My heart says to fight for him. Be there for him… support him, not give up! I just don’t know what to do! Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I had to take the day off because I was a mess all Monday night, uncontrollably crying. I was up all night just sobbing & trying to talk myself off the ledge I was on. It is getting worse. I don’t feel that I am any better off than I was when this first happened.

I have moments of anger. I have moments of sadness… Please help me! Should I write him? Should I let it go… I am desperate!

So now what do I do?? Is this too late? Is it damaged beyond repair?

I understand all of that…completely. So in turn, I believe what you are telling me is that I have to base this situation on what is fact at the present time. In my case, fact is that he is no longer with me because he chose not to be. If he wanted this relationship & wanted it to work out then that is what he would be doing at the present time. The mere fact that he has not tried to communicate with me, the fact that he has called the vendors & cancelled, the fact that there is no communication, means that I need to face the “facts”, reality & understand the fact it is over. Am I translating this properly?

It is not an easy road. Believe me, there are plenty of times that I know I am not thinking clearly & want to do rash things, but then I think about what just occurred & realize, this is not just me that is hurting. It is my fiancé as well. There are two of us here in this situation. I cannot only think of myself, although, I am aware, in order to make healthy decisions, I need to be that way myself.

Of course it doesn’t help me either when all my friends around me are telling me that I need to be pissed at him. I have to get it through my head that HE LEFT ME! HE CHOSE TO WALK AWAY! HE SAID HE DOESN’T WANT THIS ANYMORE! THAT HIS FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED & HE WAS TRYING TO MAKE HIMSELF BELIEVE HE STILL LOVES ME… not the easiest words to hear. I know what was said. I was there. I heard & read everything he said. I play it over & over again in my mind. It’s a continuous loop that will not stop.

One of my best friends is amazing though with me. he has given me some insight from a “Man’s Point of View” (mind you he lives out of state & has never met mi fiancé). he explained to me that for many men, happiness is built on how successful you are & with my fiancé, he takes pride in his job & how well he does it. He said right now, he feels like he drowning. Everything for him is happening all at once & falling down around him. He said that it can be an overwhelming feeling. And some people cannot handle the pressure & basically implode. And with someone with like my fiancé, who holds everything in to begin with & does not want to hurt anyone & keep everyone happy, when things get rough & he feels out of control, he will run. He said he need to learn coping skills with this. he actually suggested in a couple of weeks or so, when I am more strong & put back together, I should write him a letter. Simply state to him that I love him & am still in love with him. Explain to him that I understand all the pressure & stress that he is under at this time & to let him know that the door is always open for him to communicate with me. he said to make sure I reiterate in this letter that I KNOW, at this time we are not together as a couple but, know that I will always be here for him because above all, I love him as a person. He said to add in there that if he ever wants to talk or if his feelings ever change, I will be here…maybe not in the capacity that I once was, because I know that I need to move on, but none the less I am always here.

what is your opinion on that?

Anita –
The Deacon told me to come in Thursday to meet with him & he will go over all the results with me. So I am assuming that he will share this all with me. After all, that was the purpose of this “test” to begin with. For us to learn more about each other & discuss the difficult topics with each other. So I am sure he will share my fiancé’s answers with me. I do believe that the whole “Daisy” situation def. effected us in a negative way. There is no doubt in my mind that he was hopeful that we could all get along & there would be no problems connecting his old way of life (her) & his new (me). He did always say to me that he just wants us all to get along. But not everyone has to love everyone. Not everyone sees things the same way. As I expressed to him, I would respect his friendship with her & I would NEVER tell him who he can & cannot be friends with. That is un-expectable & controlling in my mind. Neither him nor I have would ever want to “Control” each other. I will say this though… during the duration of the wedding preparations, he always wanted to be there. Meet with the vendors, be part of the setting up & planning. His mother is the same way… I know that she felt that this wedding was very expensive, in her opinion. I remember at Thanksgiving, sitting with his Aunts & cousins with him talking about the cost of the wedding & they all felt we were insane for spending that kind of money. When we left, he was upset that everyone was voicing their opinions & he said that it was none of their business & he didn’t want to discuss it any more with anyone other than the two of us. That what it cost & what we wanted was OUR business not anyone else’s. I wonder if that got to him as well… Because he is a “people pleaser”, he was doing what his family/friends are telling him oppose to what he really feels.

I come from a big Italian family. We are a very warm & caring family. When we do things, we do them big. I know he had said to me that when he came with me to my cousins wedding in the beginning of May, that made him realize even more that he wanted to marry me & wanted to give me the wedding of my dreams. Do you think that in his mind, he wanted to give me the “Perfect Day” & once the ball was rolling he didn’t know how to get stop it. This could have caused him resentment towards me & our relationship? But because he did not express this to me at the time, there was no way for me to know this & be able to rectify it with him?

You are right, no relationship is ever perfect. And no one should ever have to walk on eggshells to avoid confrontation of hurting your significant other. But that is part of the growth of your relationship, correct? Accepting each others, flaws & all? I can accept that his job is extremely important to him & that it makes him feel good about himself & successful. I want nothing but him to feel good & proud of himself. That is important to me. I can see where his line of thinking would be “All has to be perfect or it is nothing”. How do I get him to realize that it is ok to be less than perfect. No one is & that is ok. We have each other to help us when things feel this way. We can rely on each other for strength when one of us is stronger than the other or when hope seems to be lacking for one us. How can I stress this point to him. Maybe he doesn’t see it this way or cannot let himself think this way. I love him with all my heart. I am willing to endure the struggles & take them on however, I need to know that he wants the same thing & is just as willing to take these things on as I am… that is my fear. That in his distress right now, he cannot see this. He cannot see past the end of his work day… how can I make him look to the future & know that things may be rough right now but not every storm lasts forever, for lack of better words.

As far as email communication, I am concerned that he might misconstrue some of the content. I always thought face to face communication is best. I know that he always preferred to speak with me on the phone oppose to text messages. What is your feelings on that?

Good morning all!

So I don’t know if I really believe in signs but, I have been praying for strength & clarity in my current relationship situation. This morning I was getting dressed for work & when I opened my closet to get out my clothes, this card fell to my feet. When I picked it up, it was the card my fiancé gave me just this past Christmas, ONE MONTH AGO. I opened it & it read:

Dear Debbie,

It’s actually our 2nd Christmas already. We have another 100 to go! I know every one of them will get more & more amazing each year!

I Love You Baby

I was floored to find that this is what I found at my feet! My heart skipped a beat & I felt even more confused regarding this situation. My mother had come upstairs to my apartment & I told her what happened. She said, you know it is funny you said that. Just yesterday I was cleaning out the hutch & I found the card that he gave us as well & it read:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. ——-
Thank you for welcoming me into you family & allowing me to marry your daughter!

I just don’t understand. Does this sound like someone who was just “going through the motions”? This just doesn’t make any sense to me at all! I know my therapist would not be happy with me right now that I am still putting all of my energy into him & trying to figure it out instead of focusing on myself BUT, I will say this. Instead of breaking down & crying again this morning, I took a deep breathe & kept it moving although this is clearly on my mind.

Anita, can you or anyone else understand where I am coming from & why this is so confusing? Every day I am getting a little stronger. I feel it. I am not walking around crying every second of every day. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments. But I think I am doing a little better.

Tomorrow I am going to meet with the Deacon of my church. A week prior to my fiancé’s “break down” we had to take this Pre-Marital Inventory exam. We both take it separately & the church gets the results. Then we were suppose to meet with the Deacon & go over our results. This was suppose to be used as a tool to help us discuss difficult & uncomfortable topics with each other. See where we differ & what we could work on together, as a couple to strengthen our bond & eventually our marriage. I took the same test as my fiancé, just at a different time. The Deacon called me on Monday & set up an appointment with me to go over the results. He said there are def some differences in our answers. I wonder if this could have been the catalyst that helped push him over the edge & made him second guess everything & his feelings. As I have stated before, he is not the best communicator. He holds everything in because he never wants to hurt anyone or let them down. He maybe didn’t want to discuss his fears with me because he didn’t want to hurt me, so instead he ran from them. Obviously, he clearly was overwhelmed with the wedding & all the expenses, & held it in. He was overwhelmed with discussing my feelings towards his best friend & held that in for months too until I pushed him to confront her. He is overwhelmed at his job & is taking everything on because he has to do everything to his best ability. Another one of his traits. He needs to be successful & the best at all he does. I just wish he had spoken with me because I truly feel this whole thing could have been avoided if we had just talked. I feel this is a big miscommunication & now it has escalated into something it def did not need to be! I would have been more than willing to cut back on things that were too expensive. If we needed to postpone the date to be able to save the money or because he had too much going on right now, we could have. Would I have been upset? Of course. This was my dream BUT he means more to me than a single day!

Please share your thoughts!

Anita –

I don’t feel that he was “acting”. The perfect opportunity to end the relationship, if he was unhappy & not “in love” with me any longer the week before Christmas when everything happened with his best friend. If he truly was pretending & not wanting to go through with our relationship, there was the perfect time for him to end it – he chose to stay. He chose to re-propose & confess his love again. How could you fake that? How could you literally be in hysterics & so fearful of losing the relationship if it was “forced” to begin with. Believe me, for the past two & a half weeks now, I have been dissecting this over & over again.

It just does not make any sense to me. And yes, clearly I am “mourning” the loss of this relationship, but there is something that will not let me just let go of this. I feel this entire thing that has happened between us is a complete misunderstanding & failure to communicate on both of our parts.

I feel the need to reach out to him & have a discussion regarding this. As I have said before, this is not about a wedding. This is about our lives, the commitment we made to each other the day he decided to ask me to take him as my husband! To spend all that money, almost $25,000.00 so far. A person would be willing to “fake” it & loose all of that money like that? I just don’t think it fits & is completely out of character for him!

I am extremely worried about him! You don’t just fall out of love!