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Debbie

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  • #127751
    Debbie
    Participant

    My stress level is through the roof… It is beyond understanding. I know that you said early on that he was distressed in the relationship for a while. And Yes, he did take ownership for his short comings, such as communication however, what I do not understand is how someone could fake it AS WELL as he did. We, as women, do have intuition… and I truly believe with all my heart that IF he was NOT IN LOVE WITH ME, I would have felt it. Could he have been unhappy with certain aspects of the relationship? Of course, we all have those feelings. No one is perfect. There were things he did as well that dis-satisfied me, BUT the difference is, I would NEVER EVER have carried on or said the things he did to me, “Going Through the motions”. To me that is callous & cowardly! When things were off between us, or I had said something that upset him, such as the case with Daisy, I knew. He acted different. I felt it… And she alone, caused much distress in our relationship, without a doubt… So how could I have been so blindsided & not saw it coming.

    Yes I asked him for reassurance because I could not believe this man, this perfect man, really was as head over heels in love with me. You seriously had no idea how much disbelief this has caused amongst everyone! Even his friends said to me that they never thought that Sean was unhappy with me. The way he talked about me to them, they were just as in shock as I was & my ENTIRE FAMILY!

    #127733
    Debbie
    Participant

    Hi Anita –

    Sorry I have not gotten back to this site sooner… So last I communicated with you was a week ago Monday. I actually text him Wednesday morning asking if we could talk. He replied with, “I’ll call you later tonight”. I wrote him back saying, “I would rather do it face to face please”, & he responded with, “I’ll call you later”. So I took that & let it be. That night around 9:30 he called me. I answered the phone calmly & he was cold. He said to me, “You wanted to talk…”, so coldly, like I have meant nothing to him. Like we were never engaged to be married or had an ENTIRE wedding planned out & basically paid for!! So, I calmly said to him, well it has been a month now since we last talked & I was worried about you. I wasn’t ok, you weren’t ok, I just wanted to know how you were doing. He said, “yeah well a lot of people were worried about me. I am actually doing good. Things are still crazy at work, still working everyday but, I am doing good.” I was like ok… I said I was totally caught off guard & was blindsided. I said you told me that your feelings have changed, how long were you feeling like this. He said, “Oh I guess months now…”. I was like months? He said, “Yeah well I suck at communication & that is probably why I will be single for the rest of my life, but I am working on it.” I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me! When I tell you that there were no signs Anita, I swear, I am not lying or making this all up! I asked him was there something I that I did or something I said that made him feel this way or have this sudden change of heart & all he could say to me was, “Well you’re pushy”… That was what I got!

    It felt like he was trying to convince himself that he did the right thing or that he doesn’t love me. It is like he is blocking everything out of his life because he handle it all! It makes me so upset & sad. I don’t know if what he is saying to me is really true or he is just saying things because he is spooked & can’t handle it all. It didn’t even sound like him while I was talking with him… like he was a stranger to me. Like he wanted to be doing everything else other than talking with me, the woman he asked to marry him & the woman he told EVERYDAY that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with!

    He told me that the week before he was in the hospital. He had stomach pains & went to the ER. He said all of a sudden they told him that he had appendicitis & was going in for surgery. He said that once they opened him up they found out he had a hernia ass well & they repaired that. He said he was out of work & didn’t even tell his job why he was out. I asked him why he didn’t say anything to his job & his response was, “I am on probation for 12 months & I need to prove that I cam handle this position. I didn’t want them to think badly of me.” My reaction to that was, this is your health! It’s not like you are just taking vacation & not coming into work”. He replied with, “well they found out & told me to get better so that I can return to the job. This is what I mean when I am poor at communication. I didn’t even tell my job what was going on. I can’t even communicate with my parents”.

    I seriously don’t know what to do/say anymore. Do I completely let go? People tell me to follow my heart… My heart says to fight for him. Be there for him… support him, not give up! I just don’t know what to do! Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I had to take the day off because I was a mess all Monday night, uncontrollably crying. I was up all night just sobbing & trying to talk myself off the ledge I was on. It is getting worse. I don’t feel that I am any better off than I was when this first happened.

    I have moments of anger. I have moments of sadness… Please help me! Should I write him? Should I let it go… I am desperate!

    #126898
    Debbie
    Participant

    Yes I agree 110%… I know that there will be no wedding August 4th 2017. That ship has sailed already & there is no returning at this point to that dream. But I am more than ok with that. And yes – I agree with you that he, as well as myself, has made this about MY dreams, MY hopes, MY feelings, etc.

    More than anything I want to get him back! More than anything I want to be there to comfort him & help him, as he has done for me. And yes, it is not going to based on what was or what could have been, it has to be a new beginning for us. I think that it should be more about the relationship with each other than all the other things. I am willing to let go of that all. I am willing to work on the things that I need to, as I know there are things he needs to work on – such as communication & learning how to deal with stress & pressure.

    How do you build a new foundation though while the ruins of the old still stand. Because he is who is he, I am afraid that he is too ashamed or too embarrassed to face me or talk with me. He had his roommate bring everything to me, not him. He didn’t want to see me. He didn’t want to deal with what has happened. My fear is that right now, if it is true what his friend/roommate told my mom about them never seeing him this way, is he even in the right frame of mind to have a conversation or listen to what I have to say. The last thing I want to do is pressure him any further than I already have, if that makes sense.

    What is the first step? How do I begin the re-building phase if this?

    #126886
    Debbie
    Participant

    So now what do I do?? Is this too late? Is it damaged beyond repair?

    #126881
    Debbie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for everything you have said. It does make sense to me. And YES, he is a people pleaser as well as a “Debbie-pleaser” as you wrote, BUT I need him to understand that regardless of his flaws, regardless of his imperfections, regardless of the less than perfect relationship or marriage that could have been, I STILL LOVE HIM with every ounce of my being & that doesn’t just go away within a day, a week, a month… these feelings remain whole & intact for me!

    Saturday I received a text from him asking me if it would be alright if his roommate drop off my things at my house (engagement party gifts, wedding band & cash). I was on the phone with my therapist when I received this text. He advised me to ask him what time his roommate would be coming to drop the items off & make sure I am not around when they come. He said the last thing I need is to see her & for her to see me & the state I am in. So I text him back asking what time would she be coming & he replied, whatever works best for me. That she was available all day. With that, his roommate text me. She said that she hoped I was ok & that she was sorry she didn’t reach out but she felt it was best not to get in the middle of the situation. She asked me when she could drop the things off to me because she didn’t want to leave them outside because there was the diamond band & cash. I text her back simply stating, I am not going to be home today. My parents will be home around 12:30 so she can drop it off then & they could receive it.

    I made sure I was out of the house & gave my mom instructions to keep it short & sweet, get my things & leave it alone. I told her to call me once she left. So around 1:15 I got the call from my mother that the roommate had just left & she was not leaving without talking to my mom. It was like she wanted answers.

    She told my mother that she was so sorry for everything & what had happened & asked if I was ok. My mom just shrugged her shoulders & told her she is doing the best she can under these circumstances. The roommate then said she was very worried about me & wanted to reach out but felt awkward due to the situation. Plus my fiancé had asked her to wait a little longer until the “dust had settled some”. She told my mother that none of them (meaning all of my fiancés friends) saw this coming. They were all in shock. She said that he has been really out of it & just not himself. She said that Thursday, 1/12/17, when everything first occurred, when he got home from work he broke down crying & having a break down. She asked him what was wrong & that he said he is beyond stressed with everything & he was now having doubts about the marriage. She told him that he needed to talk to me about everything. She told him that he needs to be an adult & not prolong this if he is having these doubts, to TALK TO ME! So that was what she thought was going to happen that day when I came over to see him, NOT that he was going to end everything with me. She said not to bring up any sore subjects but even “Daisy” was shocked by this whole thing. That literally three weeks ago he tore into her about disrespecting me & how much he loved me & that she can no longer be in the wedding because she did not support us a couple. She said that her & “Daisy” as well as all of his other friends have NEVER seen him like this & most of them have been friends with him for 17+ years! My mother just said, well I will tell you this, he will NEVER find anyone who loves him as much as she did & he didn’t just hurt her, he hurt a lot of people. The roommate said she knows & saw the love first hand. She said that she told him that he needs to stop talking with everyone about this & talk to the one person that this involves, DEBBIE.

    It gave me a little piece if mind knowing that he is not ok or still not himself. It made me feel better that he is hurting as well & not relieved or glad to be rid of me. I guess it still gives me hope, for lack of a better phrase, as stupid as that may sound.

    Today, I am not doing so well. This weekend I angry because I felt that he sent his roommate because he was too cowardly to face me because of what he did. It got me through the weekend until today… I am blue. I want to just reach out to him! I want to shake him! Lay everything out on the line. I want to tell him that I love him for everything he is, not everything he thinks he needs to be or provide for me as a man. I don’t care about those things, That yes, I got carried away with the big wedding and as you out it, “Happily Ever After” fairytale. But I am a girl & it is natural for me to have those feelings. Yes, my insecurities may have played a role on him thinking that I am too dependent on him BUT these are not things to run from & give up on when times are tough & stressful. These are the times we need to grasp these issues & work on them. Work to see if there is resolution…

    If what his roommate says is true & he is still not himself, then I know this is probably not the best time to say all these things to him. I understand that he needs to work on himself right now to fix whatever it is he is going through. But everyday that goes by, every minute that ticks on, my love for him remains the same, the pain grows & it gets harder to stay away from him…

    Does that make sense?

    #126563
    Debbie
    Participant

    I understand all of that…completely. So in turn, I believe what you are telling me is that I have to base this situation on what is fact at the present time. In my case, fact is that he is no longer with me because he chose not to be. If he wanted this relationship & wanted it to work out then that is what he would be doing at the present time. The mere fact that he has not tried to communicate with me, the fact that he has called the vendors & cancelled, the fact that there is no communication, means that I need to face the “facts”, reality & understand the fact it is over. Am I translating this properly?

    #126553
    Debbie
    Participant

    I am just so afraid that I will lose him… and YES, I do know that it is a real possibility. I am not that naïve in my thinking. Especially when all my friends around me are so negative. My therapist told me that people project their own insight on a specific situation because of their own personal experiences. In other words, if someone has had only negative experiences with relationships or a failed marriage, they will tend to think more on that side of things.

    I can say this… my last relationship was an extremely, abusive (physically & mentally) unhealthy one. My ex stripped everything away from me including my own identity. It took me three years to rebuild myself back to where I once was, obviously with many more scars. As I have said earlier in my post, it took me a long time to open up to my fiancé. I was waiting for the “Other shoe to drop” because he was too good to be true in my eyes. I guess in my mind I built him up to be this almost “Superhero”. But I know he is only human. And all humans are flawed. We all have strengths & weaknesses. And I know that life is not all sunshine & roses either. We all have our ups & our downs. I just never have felt so strongly in a relationship with someone. It was like we balanced each other out. When I was negative, he brought me up. When he was having a bad day, I made him feel better. The fact that there were no signs that he was stressing out over OUR relationship or the wedding just took me by complete & utter surprise. YES, I know he was far more stressed than usual with work. And I know he has said more than once to me that he used to love going to work. He felt accomplished but now, every morning he dreaded going in. He did tell me when he broke it off with me that this job was suppose to be such a good thing but it has turned out to be a curse.

    I now have in my mind, if everything was stressing him out so much, maybe it was me? Maybe it was our relationship… Maybe it was forced. But to go through all of everything that he did. To spend the money he did… take out a personal loan, could it all have been an “act”?? To show that we have the “Perfect Relationship”?

    Oh God! That scares me & literally makes me sick to my stomach!

    #126550
    Debbie
    Participant

    It is not an easy road. Believe me, there are plenty of times that I know I am not thinking clearly & want to do rash things, but then I think about what just occurred & realize, this is not just me that is hurting. It is my fiancé as well. There are two of us here in this situation. I cannot only think of myself, although, I am aware, in order to make healthy decisions, I need to be that way myself.

    Of course it doesn’t help me either when all my friends around me are telling me that I need to be pissed at him. I have to get it through my head that HE LEFT ME! HE CHOSE TO WALK AWAY! HE SAID HE DOESN’T WANT THIS ANYMORE! THAT HIS FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED & HE WAS TRYING TO MAKE HIMSELF BELIEVE HE STILL LOVES ME… not the easiest words to hear. I know what was said. I was there. I heard & read everything he said. I play it over & over again in my mind. It’s a continuous loop that will not stop.

    One of my best friends is amazing though with me. he has given me some insight from a “Man’s Point of View” (mind you he lives out of state & has never met mi fiancé). he explained to me that for many men, happiness is built on how successful you are & with my fiancé, he takes pride in his job & how well he does it. He said right now, he feels like he drowning. Everything for him is happening all at once & falling down around him. He said that it can be an overwhelming feeling. And some people cannot handle the pressure & basically implode. And with someone with like my fiancé, who holds everything in to begin with & does not want to hurt anyone & keep everyone happy, when things get rough & he feels out of control, he will run. He said he need to learn coping skills with this. he actually suggested in a couple of weeks or so, when I am more strong & put back together, I should write him a letter. Simply state to him that I love him & am still in love with him. Explain to him that I understand all the pressure & stress that he is under at this time & to let him know that the door is always open for him to communicate with me. he said to make sure I reiterate in this letter that I KNOW, at this time we are not together as a couple but, know that I will always be here for him because above all, I love him as a person. He said to add in there that if he ever wants to talk or if his feelings ever change, I will be here…maybe not in the capacity that I once was, because I know that I need to move on, but none the less I am always here.

    what is your opinion on that?

    #126547
    Debbie
    Participant

    I would appreciate all the help I can get with this. I am def going to wait to hear what the Deacon has to say tomorrow before I contact him. I was fighting with myself last night. I wanted to text him “I Love You & I Miss You” but I didn’t. I kept it together.

    #126540
    Debbie
    Participant

    Anita –
    The Deacon told me to come in Thursday to meet with him & he will go over all the results with me. So I am assuming that he will share this all with me. After all, that was the purpose of this “test” to begin with. For us to learn more about each other & discuss the difficult topics with each other. So I am sure he will share my fiancé’s answers with me. I do believe that the whole “Daisy” situation def. effected us in a negative way. There is no doubt in my mind that he was hopeful that we could all get along & there would be no problems connecting his old way of life (her) & his new (me). He did always say to me that he just wants us all to get along. But not everyone has to love everyone. Not everyone sees things the same way. As I expressed to him, I would respect his friendship with her & I would NEVER tell him who he can & cannot be friends with. That is un-expectable & controlling in my mind. Neither him nor I have would ever want to “Control” each other. I will say this though… during the duration of the wedding preparations, he always wanted to be there. Meet with the vendors, be part of the setting up & planning. His mother is the same way… I know that she felt that this wedding was very expensive, in her opinion. I remember at Thanksgiving, sitting with his Aunts & cousins with him talking about the cost of the wedding & they all felt we were insane for spending that kind of money. When we left, he was upset that everyone was voicing their opinions & he said that it was none of their business & he didn’t want to discuss it any more with anyone other than the two of us. That what it cost & what we wanted was OUR business not anyone else’s. I wonder if that got to him as well… Because he is a “people pleaser”, he was doing what his family/friends are telling him oppose to what he really feels.

    I come from a big Italian family. We are a very warm & caring family. When we do things, we do them big. I know he had said to me that when he came with me to my cousins wedding in the beginning of May, that made him realize even more that he wanted to marry me & wanted to give me the wedding of my dreams. Do you think that in his mind, he wanted to give me the “Perfect Day” & once the ball was rolling he didn’t know how to get stop it. This could have caused him resentment towards me & our relationship? But because he did not express this to me at the time, there was no way for me to know this & be able to rectify it with him?

    You are right, no relationship is ever perfect. And no one should ever have to walk on eggshells to avoid confrontation of hurting your significant other. But that is part of the growth of your relationship, correct? Accepting each others, flaws & all? I can accept that his job is extremely important to him & that it makes him feel good about himself & successful. I want nothing but him to feel good & proud of himself. That is important to me. I can see where his line of thinking would be “All has to be perfect or it is nothing”. How do I get him to realize that it is ok to be less than perfect. No one is & that is ok. We have each other to help us when things feel this way. We can rely on each other for strength when one of us is stronger than the other or when hope seems to be lacking for one us. How can I stress this point to him. Maybe he doesn’t see it this way or cannot let himself think this way. I love him with all my heart. I am willing to endure the struggles & take them on however, I need to know that he wants the same thing & is just as willing to take these things on as I am… that is my fear. That in his distress right now, he cannot see this. He cannot see past the end of his work day… how can I make him look to the future & know that things may be rough right now but not every storm lasts forever, for lack of better words.

    As far as email communication, I am concerned that he might misconstrue some of the content. I always thought face to face communication is best. I know that he always preferred to speak with me on the phone oppose to text messages. What is your feelings on that?

    #126534
    Debbie
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for all your advise. I agree with you & I do know that I deserve answers. And I do know that I need to handle this whole situation with care & caution. I need to be patient, which is something that I struggle with. Something that as a human, I need to work on. I am trying. This is another reason why I haven’t reached out to him yet… because I knew/know that I may not be strong enough at this present time to be understanding & patient because I am hurting, as I know I am entitled too. But I also know that HE is hurting as well. I sit here and wonder all day, is he thinking about me? Does he miss me? Does he regret his decision or does he feel relieved that he ended it? It is like a never ending loop that I am on. It feels really good to be able to express all this to you… an outlet if you will for me to release all my fears & frustrations from an outside perspective oppose to people close to me. I cannot thank you enough!

    Did you read my post earlier about the card I found? Do you believe in signs & divine intervention? Do you think it is smart to talk with my Deacon? Maybe there will be some clarity in there for me to help me understand where he is coming from.

    #126532
    Debbie
    Participant

    Good morning all!

    So I don’t know if I really believe in signs but, I have been praying for strength & clarity in my current relationship situation. This morning I was getting dressed for work & when I opened my closet to get out my clothes, this card fell to my feet. When I picked it up, it was the card my fiancé gave me just this past Christmas, ONE MONTH AGO. I opened it & it read:

    Dear Debbie,

    It’s actually our 2nd Christmas already. We have another 100 to go! I know every one of them will get more & more amazing each year!

    I Love You Baby

    I was floored to find that this is what I found at my feet! My heart skipped a beat & I felt even more confused regarding this situation. My mother had come upstairs to my apartment & I told her what happened. She said, you know it is funny you said that. Just yesterday I was cleaning out the hutch & I found the card that he gave us as well & it read:

    Dear Mr. & Mrs. ——-
    Thank you for welcoming me into you family & allowing me to marry your daughter!

    I just don’t understand. Does this sound like someone who was just “going through the motions”? This just doesn’t make any sense to me at all! I know my therapist would not be happy with me right now that I am still putting all of my energy into him & trying to figure it out instead of focusing on myself BUT, I will say this. Instead of breaking down & crying again this morning, I took a deep breathe & kept it moving although this is clearly on my mind.

    Anita, can you or anyone else understand where I am coming from & why this is so confusing? Every day I am getting a little stronger. I feel it. I am not walking around crying every second of every day. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments. But I think I am doing a little better.

    Tomorrow I am going to meet with the Deacon of my church. A week prior to my fiancé’s “break down” we had to take this Pre-Marital Inventory exam. We both take it separately & the church gets the results. Then we were suppose to meet with the Deacon & go over our results. This was suppose to be used as a tool to help us discuss difficult & uncomfortable topics with each other. See where we differ & what we could work on together, as a couple to strengthen our bond & eventually our marriage. I took the same test as my fiancé, just at a different time. The Deacon called me on Monday & set up an appointment with me to go over the results. He said there are def some differences in our answers. I wonder if this could have been the catalyst that helped push him over the edge & made him second guess everything & his feelings. As I have stated before, he is not the best communicator. He holds everything in because he never wants to hurt anyone or let them down. He maybe didn’t want to discuss his fears with me because he didn’t want to hurt me, so instead he ran from them. Obviously, he clearly was overwhelmed with the wedding & all the expenses, & held it in. He was overwhelmed with discussing my feelings towards his best friend & held that in for months too until I pushed him to confront her. He is overwhelmed at his job & is taking everything on because he has to do everything to his best ability. Another one of his traits. He needs to be successful & the best at all he does. I just wish he had spoken with me because I truly feel this whole thing could have been avoided if we had just talked. I feel this is a big miscommunication & now it has escalated into something it def did not need to be! I would have been more than willing to cut back on things that were too expensive. If we needed to postpone the date to be able to save the money or because he had too much going on right now, we could have. Would I have been upset? Of course. This was my dream BUT he means more to me than a single day!

    Please share your thoughts!

    #126506
    Debbie
    Participant

    And yes – he could have been feeling unhappy for a while, but is it really our relationship that is making him feel this way or is it all the stress from him job that is affecting his thoughts & feelings. When you become depressed, you are unhappy. Everything around you is negative. It is like a black hole that you are stuck in & no matter how hard you try, you cannot seem to find your way out. You see no light at the end of the tunnel. Could this be the catalyst that is making everything around him unclear & wrong? That is what my mind tends to go too… but that could be just me “self protecting” myself from the possibility of being hurt.

    All I do know is that I am not ready to give up on us, however, with depression, I know he needs to help himself & work on him, as I do myself. But I need to find a way to be able to communicate with him & let him know that I care. Tell him that I love him & I will ALWAYS be here for him. We have both said that we take marriage & our commitment seriously. If he has too much going on right now there were many things we could have done. We could have postponed the wedding, cut it down to save money… I could go on & on. But to give up in the state he was in & I am sure, still in to a certain capacity. That is not the time you make life altering decisions. Am I wrong for thinking this way?

    What are your thoughts?

    #126505
    Debbie
    Participant

    Anita –

    I don’t feel that he was “acting”. The perfect opportunity to end the relationship, if he was unhappy & not “in love” with me any longer the week before Christmas when everything happened with his best friend. If he truly was pretending & not wanting to go through with our relationship, there was the perfect time for him to end it – he chose to stay. He chose to re-propose & confess his love again. How could you fake that? How could you literally be in hysterics & so fearful of losing the relationship if it was “forced” to begin with. Believe me, for the past two & a half weeks now, I have been dissecting this over & over again.

    It just does not make any sense to me. And yes, clearly I am “mourning” the loss of this relationship, but there is something that will not let me just let go of this. I feel this entire thing that has happened between us is a complete misunderstanding & failure to communicate on both of our parts.

    I feel the need to reach out to him & have a discussion regarding this. As I have said before, this is not about a wedding. This is about our lives, the commitment we made to each other the day he decided to ask me to take him as my husband! To spend all that money, almost $25,000.00 so far. A person would be willing to “fake” it & loose all of that money like that? I just don’t think it fits & is completely out of character for him!

    I am extremely worried about him! You don’t just fall out of love!

    #126496
    Debbie
    Participant

    Anita – I can really use your words of wisdom right now. I am laying here in my bed fighting with myself not to text him “I miss you & I love you”! I know right now is not the time yet, but this is getting harder & harder everyday/night! Please help me!

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