I just joined this forum and this was one of the first posts I ran across and it couldn’t be more fitting.

I am currently in the same situation.

He is a narcissistic abuser, just like my on again off again boyfriend.

I’ve learned he only comes back to regain his power. He leaves, and I get to sit in misery and depression missing him until he comes back. And then the cycle continues. And it ALWAYS continues. I can’t count the number of times we’ve left each other only to get back together.

It’s been a year. I moved to Minnesota with him for his work, we were engaged and I was pregnant with his child. I moved back to my home state of Michigan after I miscarried and when the verbal abuse turned physical. He moved back to Michigan as well and then the cycle started all over again. The few months I was back in Michigan were agonizing. I was an empty shell. Six months passed until he came back and then I was able to be “me” again.

People can tell me countless times he isn’t good for me. I also know he isn’t good for me. But I feel so completely EMPTY without him. Sometimes I tell myself I need the chaos of him because the pain I feel when he is controlling and belittling me is EASIER than the pain I feel when he is gone.

You can’t go back. I can’t either. It won’t change. It will continue, and get worse, and most likely become physical. But this pain of losing him? Man. I can’t take it. Every morning I wake up with a pit in my stomach. It’s gotten so routine that I don’t even wear makeup on my way to work because I always cry at least once during the drive. It is EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I’m just not strong enough for this.

Long story short, you are not alone. We have to take this step now, because if you dig down deep you know the relationship isn’t going to last forever. Why drag it out? But the pain in the process is so real. I hope you find strength and peace.