Claire,
I seriously could have written this post. I called my bf over and read it to him. I said “see, I’m not crazy, do you see that I’m not the only one?” And he goes… “no just you and her are crazy” hahaha..

I also come from a 13 year relationship where I felt confident and secure. The relationship became complacent and I knew I couldn’t live with it. There was something missing.

Shortly after I met a man who I now share a home with. A man who I quickly feel deeply in love with and visa versa. The one who had everything my last relationship was lacking. A person who also tells me how much he loves me, showers me with affection, tells me I’m beautiful.

However – the only thing that has continuously been an issue in our relationship are my thoughts about his past. We too have polar opposite pasts. I had only been with my ex and he’s been with many, many women (from all over the world…). I too am the only girl he’s been in love with and had this type of relationship with. We’ve been together for about 2 years now.

And yet… here i am in the exactly same place you are. I struggle with issues of feeling like “enough” and confident throughout this whole relationship! (minus those blissful first few months)

Is it our minds always looking for something wrong?
Is it the fear that to have something so good we create the ways it could go wrong?
Is it jealousy?

I wish I knew. I’ve gotten better with time though…I used to just simply pass a girl on the street and instantly be in a bad mood – and he would clearly see it – just from the thoughts about his past women. Yet in my last relationship I never was that girl – I felt confident and beautiful in who I was.

For a while, I thought maybe it was that our beliefs about sex were so different and that’s why I was focusing so much on these negative comparisons.

But really – it’s only me. It’s my lack of acceptance within myself that leads me to not accept his past and who he once was.
My bf has also been supportive on this issue, talked to me, reassures me, and truly has been sensitive to my needs. But I know this is something that I need to work on myself.

I want to move past this too. It feels like I have put my own life on hold these past couple of months because my mind is so clouded with these thoughts. If I get over one of his past sexual experiences my mind is onto another (why did I need to know so many details??)

I wonder if it has anything to do with being in a long term relationship and quickly moving onto another. With the end of my last relationship came a lot of questions in who I was and what I wanted out of life. I’m still working on those questions and I wonder if that lack of knowing is filled with these negative thoughts.

It’s truly obsessive thinking. I’m not sure how to control it. I wish I had some good advice. Journaling has helped. Saying things out loud to him that are on my mind help because then they pass. I guess I just wanted to share that you weren’t alone in this issue.