Hello Lola,

I think you did good. Respect for daring to go out there and for daring to speak up!

I guess you were beginning to fall in love with him, or at least that you were developing some real feelings for him.

And then you took the gamble: you invited him for a party and you hinted in a subtle way that you are open.

My best guess is that he was not ready for that, as you yourself also believe. I think also that he did not know how to say this in a good way, maybe also because he knew of your pain and history. So he said nothing.

Saying nothing is not the greatest response ever, but it is also not the worst one ever. We are all human beings, and sometimes we freeze when confronted with a difficult situation. I would say he froze.

He did pretty ok though: from the start he signaled he he felt, and when you signaled you were open for more, he signaled (with his silence, and then explicitly) that he was not open or ready for that.

But more importantly: I think you did good! You communicated, you signaled in a deft way- the party for instance – that you were open for more, and you reached out with messages when he fell silent. You stood up and spoke your truth. Respect.

Do I believe that double messages are an issue? No. Because these are mere details. One of my best friends, with much life experience, said it well: If it is meant to be, it will happen. Double text messages or not do not change the fundamentals in a relationship, trust me.

In this case, you both started out hurt and carefully, not open for anything serious. And that is great. You then developed feelings, and that is great. He was not ready for it, and that is great, though that hurts like hell of course, for you and maybe also for him. He then fell silent, which is maybe not great, but very understandable. You reached out, which is great, and scary as hell. You two spoke it out and figured out the best way forward for now, which is no contact. That is great, though again: it hurts, and it takes time to accept that.

But you did great, especially for someone coming from where you came from. Respect.

Keep listening to your feelings, keep giving yourself warm hugs and tell yourself that you love yourself, keep speaking your truth, and do not sweat the minor details – like whether or not to double text.

Let me summarize it,

Trust your feelings and emotions, love and respect yourself (you are so worth it, like us all), think and reflect on things for a moment, and then, if it feels good or worth it, be prepared to take the gamble, always with respect for the other, and to be vulnerable.

Because when we dare to be vulnerable, that is when we can grow, and allow others to grow.

Warm hug, take care.

Dear Heartbrokengurl,

First the most important thing: a very warm hug from the Netherlands. You are worth that.

I wanted to write you because I felt much like you do when I was 35. I was struggling with my work and relationships were not working out. I got depressed and was in a dark place.

Now will not follow a story of me finding a great job and the perfect partner. Life is not a movie.

But, life can be much richer and more interesting than a movie.

In the past five years, I have slowly begun to give my life new meaning. I have developed a passion for sports. I have made new friends in New places (in the Couchsurfing community, for example). I have lived some of my travel dreams. And I have worked abroad several times. Something I wanted to do but was so afraid of doing.

This all was not easy. I am now not a Zen-master fully in balance with life and the universe.

I have no idea where I will be in five years time, and whether it will be with someone.

I still have dark days sometimes.

And yet … These past five years?

They were the best in my life. I am proud of the things I have been able to do. I am grateful for the things my body, my soul and the world allowed me to do. And I am hopeful for the future and looking forward to it.

I do not know where your life will lead you, and where you will lead your life.

I do know that you may very well surprise yourself. There is strength, the ability to wonder and to empathize, to dream and to dare, in you.

I would not be surprised if, five years from now, your life has changed and developed in ways that will make you look back in wonder and smile.

Love from the Netherlands. I believe in you.

Harmen