Hey there! I’m MC (and I’m new too :P)

I can relate. I do stuff all the time that I judge myself afterwards for. Although, what really helped me, is not to push the thoughts away, but to… this is gonna sounds weird…accept them. I am not talking about a passive acceptation, where I just abandon my goals and say to myself: ok, that’s the way it is, so be it.

But to accept that side of myself as a voice that I own, as a part of me. Like a mother loving equally all her children.( I know, how can I love myself if I play video games until 7 am and then feel exhausted even before going to work?? Right? ) But that part needs to feel the love. What really helped me generate that genuine love towards myself is a regular meditation practice. I try to sit daily. And go on retreats every year. For me, it worked. The first time I felt self-compassion was like… 2 years ago. I’ve been meditating for some years, but I’ve been mainly doing it as everything else : to get something out of it. It was a project to a better me. And one week-end, I don’t know, I was in the dinning room, just trying to be mindful while eating, and I noticed how resentful my mind was, and over silly things : I wanted my comfort food, and there was none.

And then it hit me.

I realized I’m miserable when I think stuff like that. And I think because I had time and the opportunity to look at this in detail (I was on retreat, what else is there to do, right?? :P) I realized a huge chuck of my life is occupied with feelings like that. What a silly way to live!!! And this huge wave of tenderness came from within, tenderness for this ignorant woman, who was trying her very best and still falling short in her own eyes.

Since then, I’ve read up on that, and learned that, apparently, compassion is the natural tendency of the mind when faced with suffering. Suffering of oneself or others. But the thing is we are so distracted by everything outside, we don’t even realize it. That’s why, for me, the retreat opportunity was conducive to feeling that.

Almost a year later, I still struggle with my addictions, but I forgive myself and keep on trying. I have awesome days and less-awesome, but I feel like I’ve found my way.

I think to accept yourself fully, all the time, that is a feat worthy of a Buddha. But to live happily, day in and day out and have a life you love, that is a challenge I feel ready to tackle!

All the best to you in your future discoveries.
🙂

” But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
-I don’t remember who said this, but it sums it up nicely!

PS: Here is some stuff you might be interested in looking up:
http://www.truenorthinsight.org/
http://www.Dhamma.org

Home

http://www.spiritrock.org/ (These are meditation centers website, I mean, they are all over the place…you can compare, write, ask questions…most of them have suggested reading if you’re not into actually going there.)