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Emelle

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  • September 7, 2017 at 5:28 am in reply to: Staying for Our Daughter #167668
    Emelle
    Participant

    Anita,

    That’s a really helpful way to reframe things. Yes, my husband is a doctor and, in his professional life, is successful. It’s only emotionally that he has issues, and his mental health issues don’t appear to affect the quality of his work as far as I can tell.

    Thank you for that suggestion. That’s the kind of help in reframing I’ve been looking for. 🙂

    September 6, 2017 at 8:48 am in reply to: Staying for Our Daughter #167342
    Emelle
    Participant

    Rej,

    Thank you for your kind message. Your perspective is exactly how I looked at things during my first divorce, and perhaps it’s relevant now too. It’s a difficult decision for sure. It is hard balancing all the negatives I know are involved in divorce against the potential negatives you cite of staying in the marriage for her. I guess I would just say that at this time, I think staying is best. For one thing, I haven’t been employed for over 12 years, and I’m 50 years old. I’m doing things right now that might make me more employable, so perhaps this will end up being a transitional period.

    It helps that my husband and I are able to live peacefully and treat each other respectfully. My daughter probably does sense some tension and sadness, but it’s not a situation that I feel is as harmful to her right now as a divorce would be. I do work with her on coping strategies and so on (I also have anxiety, and both she and I have seen therapists for help in coping skills), so I’m not trying to keep all anxiety-producing issues away from her. I just think that the current situation is better for her right now. And it’s not like I’m miserable. I’m sad–I wish my husband were willing to work on things and be close and intimate and happy again. But I’m doing a lot of volunteer work, and I enjoy being available to my daughter all the time and not just 50% of the time. It’s just hard to let go of hope, you know?

    But it may be that I end up going with a divorce too. I guess right now I just want to work on accepting where I am and letting go of what isn’t.

    September 6, 2017 at 8:35 am in reply to: Staying for Our Daughter #167334
    Emelle
    Participant

    Yes, acceptance of the situation is what I want to achieve. I need to let go of the hope for a loving, happy marriage.

    He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 4 years ago and has struggled to accept the diagnosis, to take medications that manage his symptoms, and so on. His reluctance to take medications has been a sore point between us. He currently takes enough medication to manage the worst of his symptoms, but he remains irritable, depressed, distant and closed. He isn’t interested in the things we used to do together. He isn’t interested in being emotionally intimate or physically intimate. He has quit individual therapy because he doesn’t think it helps him. (I think therapy could be invaluable for him, as it has been for me, but he doesn’t put in any effort other than sitting in the sessions.) Our couples therapist would give us exercises like putting a note of gratitude into a jar every day and sharing them once a week, and he would put in maybe one thing and then hated doing the exercise because he felt like it was a competition (even though I told him however much he put in was fine and it wasn’t a competition). Our couples therapist told me privately that he has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old, and he doesn’t seem interested in doing the work necessary to grow beyond that.

    So it’s not like we are fighting or anything. He’s just distant, closed, passive, and not interested in being otherwise. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years trying this or that, trying to encourage him to be more engaged and close, but I guess whatever we used to have is gone. At least from his perspective.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Emelle.
    September 5, 2017 at 11:31 am in reply to: Staying for Our Daughter #167066
    Emelle
    Participant

    You are right: this choice is a matter of balancing pros and cons. However, the level of tension between my husband and me is minimal, and I am working to diffuse my negative feelings to make the situation work.

    I went through a divorce 14 years ago, and I know what that is like. I know the stresses divorce poses to a family: financial, emotional, logistical, and so on. I know how it affected my older children. I believe that divorce would be worse for my youngest daughter than what I am now choosing to do. I am not committed to staying in my current marriage forever, but I believe if I can stay at least until my youngest graduates from high school, that will be what is best for her.

    My question is really about living day-to-day in a less than ideal situation, and whether anyone else has experienced that.

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