Dear Anita,

I am talking about it in regards to making future plans, not temporary everyday decisions.

If our mind is made up of past experiences that effect our judgement and alter what decisions we make, how can we understand what we really want and how do we make a decision in the ‘now’? And if the future is an illusion that we create from our past experience – how do we make decisions in the now without in put from past and present.

Eckhart tolle for example, discusses ‘being’ and the mind as 2 separate things. If experiencing the present moment/now is in a state of being, how do we make future plans/decisions in this state?

Dear Anita,

I didn’t find it offensive, and really appreciated your input about freedom and seeking independence. I think when i left home for university for 3 years at 23, that was me trying to seek independence in general (not specifically from my mother) and since i have been seeking freedom in the ‘wrong’ ways perhaps, as they a temporary and not a long term solution.

I suppose i thought i might stay somewhere where i had been travelling, meet someone, or get a job a liked somehow. That never happened and so I’m still seeking freedom/independence elsewhere – rather than in my home town where it is possible too. That comment you made about seeking independence really struck a chord with me and i suppose that’s more where id like in put or any advice.

I spoke to a work colleague yesterday about travelling/setting up foundations somewhere and we seem to be on a similar page. Everything feels like such a big compromise, one we don’t want to make and therefore often do nothing – unhappy with all the options. I feel the years passing me by though and things i yearned to do seem impossible or too hard to obtain without huge sacrifice.

I think i will not go travelling for now. It doesn’t feel right. Its just a temporary solution to an ongoing problem and i don’t want to go away to get away – rather go because i want to – i still need to come back and its the back bit i suppose i need to not be afraid to come back to. What do you think?

Dear Anita,

Your wrote ‘She pays you to live with her. She will withdraw all financial help if you leave.’ This hit me quite hard, its quite a blunt statement and i feel a little summarised, i think perhaps the relationship is more complex. She wants to help by not letting me pay for anything, but of course this benefits her. I don’t believe these actions, whilst true, are malicious. I do wish she would push me harder towards independence, especially as she knows once she’s not around I practically have no one. It makes me resent her, and at the same time worried because when I’m gone who does she have, yes a few friends but not any deeper relationships than someone to go to a gallery or coffee with.

I didn’t like your phrase ’emotional incest’. It suggests abuse, vulnerability and i believe we are both vulnerable at this stage in our lives. You said i want freedom from my mother, but thats not the only thing i ran away from. I find life hard, relationships with ‘friends’, making friends, careers choice, financial instability to name a few. It feels like a struggle thats not worth it – i am ALWAYS, disappointed by things and people. Previous travel has taken me someone else, away from here, new things that i know nothing about and thus cannot disappoint i guess – i do believe i use it as a way of having some independence for a short while – but not specifically away from my mother, away from my home context.

I don’t want to discuss the term emotional incest, i didn’t write my post to continue a thread about this issue, whilst i understand that my mother, and financial instability plays a role. My inability to make decisions has got way out of hand, and my tangled mind can’t seem to start at zero again.

Dear Anita,

Firstly thank you for replying. I have never entered forum territory before and was slightly worried about possible replies, or in fact no replies. This seems like a safe space.

Im not sure my mother knows she is dependent on me, and I also believe its got to a stage where i too am perhaps dependent on her. She offers me a comfortable home, supports me in some but not all ways and we get on, for the most part – I am grateful that we have a good relationship. However, My parents split up just after i was born, so 29 years ago, and she’s never found or wanted to find anyone since. She has friends, but often would rather do things with me as i would with her. its easy, i don’t feel judged. She has no family in the UK apart from me, doesn’t really have a hobby and doesn’t get up to much. We get on well most days, which is nice and it makes it bare able, but she is extremely emotionally immature, she can’t deal with criticism of any kind and theres a sadness to her, like she’s given up on life. I have discussed this with a therapist in the past and was told I have trust issues. I have no friends i truly trust and only tell my mother some but not all my feelings as i never want to upset her. My mum feels my pain when things happen, even more so than i do, if that makes any sense so its almost as if i can’t express my hurt or pain with things, because i worry it will upset her.

You said ”You feel trapped living with your mother. You want to be free of the entrapment with her so you “run away” traveling, pretending you are free in this other place and that other far away country. You love freedom, freedom from your mother.” I believe this to be true, i went to university out of london, partly because it was the course i wanted but mostly to get away, thinking i wouldn’t go back and i did, so as you suggested, whilst i like travelling, i see it as a way to get away. I don’t want freedom from my mother, i think i just want a healthy relationship with her, not one where we feel like a couple all most. She’s told me she would never throw me out and its almost as if shed be happy i stay forever, that can’t be right.

My brother and her sister and parents live on the other side of the world, so in a way she’s my responsibility. She says this is not true but her actions say otherwise.

Your point ‘At this point, you can’t pretend anymore that a trip to Japan means freedom. You’ve done traveling before and you already know you come back to the same-old-same-old entrapment.’ Its difficult, because who wouldn’t want to go and see the world, but i feel i need to build something here for me, especially as once my parents aren’t around ill have no one. Im not good at forming new relationships, and my mum allowing me to lean on her isn’t healthy. Thank you also, for not judging my post. I feel spoilt complaining about some of these things, but I’ve saved for years to do this trip, I’m not really financially that comfortable.

Whilst i live in the family home, she pays my rent, food, everything – she has said if i move out she will help me with nothing and as a result i do feel trapped.

I miss family, its just me, mum and dad and its lonely, travelling is a way of meeting people and i sometimes think i will stay in another country like my brother ended up doing but it doesn’t happen.

I think some of the stuff you have said has been really eye opening, and its easy to forget why you begin doing something in the first place so thank you, i hope this gives you a bit more information and if you have anything else id be really happy to listen.