Dear anita,

I can’t thank you enough for your patience and interpretations. This has been so helpful in gaining understanding. While identifying those childhood wounds is only half the battle, it helps to know where to further explore and how to start the healing process.

I shall start exploring, even when it seems daunting and painful.

Explorer

Dear anita and La Brava,

thank you for your responses. I will address both separately.

anita,

I spent sometime since reading your reply thinking about childhood memories. What I noticed is that in a lot of them, my parents aren’t  actively part of my memories. When I think back on playing around the house/backyard and vacations, these are very much happy memories. However, in these memories I know that my parents are around (also in the house or also on vacation), but I can’t see them or have an interaction with them. I was pampered in the sense that I had everything material & I know they wanted me to succeed and would always be there for me. It almost like La Brava might have hit the nail on its head by saying they drove me everywhere, attended practices, gave me all opportunities, which I understood as love. I always just “knew” they loved me without it being said. It was shown by actions, not words.

So in terms of vocalisation, feelings were not talked about much as far as I remember. We never said “I love you” to each other and I have a hard time recalling when I heard my parents say they were proud of me. Feelings were not really discussed in our house. So when I used the term “admit my new relationship”, because to me that would be revealing emotion and committing long-term. And of course, I feel very uneasy about showing/admitting emotion. I also fear failure of the relationship and how I would be looked upon if we broke up. I don’t want to broadcast a relationship unless I “know” this relationship will work out. Obviously you will never know if a relationship will go the long haul, but I don’t want to introduce anyone that I don’t see a clear future with yet myself. I almost have this feeling that if I commit it has to work out, otherwise my parents would look down on me and my feelings. One interesting thing I would like to note, I always just anticipate their disappointment or think they would disapprove. Which is weird, because I don’t remember my parents disapproving many of my actions. They also didn’t yell much growing up. It was a strict household and I didn’t usually break rules. But there is a thing I now just call “the look”…it’s the way I am looked at that I think means they do not approve, but they never say anything. I’ve been told I use “the look” myself these days.

I appreciate your post once again, it’s allowed me to start digging into the right direction. Talking about it now almost makes me feel silly for not seeing all this earlier.

La Brava,

thank you for your thoughts. I have previously taken the love languages test and it always is a tie between acts of service – gifts – words of affirmation. The result almost looks like I don’t really understand my own love languages. However, I also considered that maybe acts of service and gifts is how I was shown love, so I see it as a love language, while words of affirmation could be my true one.

I actually have recently started keeping a journal, and I will use your recommendations when writing in it. Is it surprising that I even feel uncomfortable writing my emotions into my journal? Like I write it, but am afraid to open up 100% as someone could read it someday. No one will as I am living by myself, but I have this worry and always have to push myself a little bit to write down my feelings.

Thank you again.

Dear anita,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I admire how you commit so much of your time to being there for others. Let me dive a little bit deeper into my original post.

The “horrible” part of the breakup for me was the wrath of emotions that came with it. There was obviously sadness, but also a lot of betrayal, anger, embarrassment and confusion.

As I had mentioned, he moved on right away. Towards the end of the relationship I had asked questions about the friendship with his female friend. He lied and denied the feelings and told me to trust him. All while he was already weighing his options and deciding who would “make him happier”. I also know that a lot of this comes from a hurt ego. Being rejected & having someone chosen “over” you and seeing them happy 2 years on is a blow to your ego.

I also mentioned his family embracing the new girlfriend, just like they did with me. When we broke up, each family member reached out to me individually to express their sadness about our breakup and wishing me the best. We very much had become a part of each other’s lives. I know it is irrational to feel a slight sting of betrayal and being afraid to be forgotten, because of course they include her as his significant other. Them connecting with her now hurts me the most – I don’t think I miss my ex anymore, but I miss his family.

Now towards my situation today. I believe that I have an dismissive avoidant attachment style. I feel uneasy with sharing my feelings openly and I can also be critical towards my partner. That makes me wonder if after putting myself out there and being rejected in my last relationship, I am scared of fully open up to my new partner. He wears his heart on his sleeve and it makes me feel very pressured and stressed. I almost feel embarrassment when someone asks us about our relationship. I don’t want to say out loud that I like him, also due to the reason that I am not sure how much I actually do like him.

At the same time – bc of all his positive qualities I mentioned in the first post – I am afraid to miss out on a great guy, just because maybe my subconscious is trying really hard to protect myself from not being hurt again and won’t let me develop real feelings.

I want to start gaining clarity as my current partner does not deserve to be left in the dark about my internal conflict. I feel like I am running in a circle and would so much like to simply look forward.

All the best,

Explorer