Hi Anita,
Thank you so much, your quick and really deep understanding is helping me so much. I completely agree, and my parents have had a pattern of ignoring things I’ve been through / that have happened in our family lives to the point that I’ve felt like they’re trying to push me in a box and lock the lid. It’s made me feel ignored, and at times close to a feeling of ‘going crazy’ and very alone. The incident I mentioned was the first but a lot happened in my childhood after that too. Not sexual abuse but other traumatic things, including what I feel was constant emotional abuse at home. I was, and still am, treated like I was having a completely normal, functional and often idyllic childhood when I feel that it wasn’t that way at all. My parents did provide a lot (home, food, paid for uni, experiences etc) and I feel luckier than some, but I don’t think you can (metaphorically) cuddle someone with one arm and slap them with the other and say that is a safe kind of love. I’ve tried to bring up the pain I’ve felt at my history / past with my family before and just get denial, a brushing aside, blame, or worse. 2 years ago my parents cut me out for a whole year after I was brave enough to tell my mum she was treating me badly over the phone (I did shout and swear but because I was so fed up of being bullied I just let it out for once…was a huge mistake). She hung up then they both ignored me for nearly a year. It was one of the worst times in my life and I was very ill with diagnosed PTSD after one of the more recent traumatic experiences in my own life, I pleaded for their love and help over letters, emails, texts and they ignored them all, and my calls, for a year. They even got a new caller id home phone so that they knew when it was me calling. During this time I was living on my own, trying to deal with PTSD (with pretty poor help from my doctor), and trying to go to work and pay my bills. I was barely able to do all of it and was so so unwell that I almost gave up a few times. It took all of my strength to not give up, and the help of – thank god – some friends. Then one day my mum walked into my workplace with some Christmas presents she said she’d come to give me and without any acknowledgement of the ignoring just wanted to go on as normal. I fought with them and tried to express how I’d felt but it was shot down so many times that I gave up and just went with it. I’m living with them now temporarily and it is certainly a much better relationship than before – time has healed it – but I still feel the pain. The only thing they told me was they ‘had to do what we had to do’ which theyve said at other times they’ve rejected or ignored me (ie. My mum through me out at 17 after picking an argument to ‘frame’ me. I later found a script shed written to pick the argument) which has just made me feel like someone they have to self-protect themselves from, like some kind of nightmare child, when I know I’m perfectly normal and was actually a good kid. I’ve tried for years to teach myself that it’s not me, it’s their own insecurities, because I know it is. But it still hurts and leaves me feeling so confused at times.

With relationships, yes I always communicate my feelings and try to be open and loving and a strong partner. I had a definite abusive relationship that ended a couple of years ago and communication was awful. He just blamed me, refused to take responsibility etc., would give me silent treatment or say horrible things. At the end much, much worse than that happened and I was lucky to get out.
In my current relationship I’m the same,and sometimes it results in him being nice and us resolving things and sometimes he turns horrible. I do think he’s abusive / cruel more than is just normal nit-picking in a relationship but it’s not as bad / the same as my ex. I always try to communicate in the right way but it often doesn’t come back the same way. Because it doesn’t I have started to get shouty and often say horrible things back to my current boyfriend. I feel like it makes me abusive in return, but I know I wouldn’t normally do that. I love my current man so much, and he is having his own struggles with his mental health so it’s proving very hard to decide whAt to do.
With my business yes I tried to be assertive but I definitely wasn’t as much as I should have been. My boss (well I’m self employed so last client is more accurate) was a total bully and I should have not done the job and walked away. But I felt desperate for work and money, and was dedicated to the project. I thought I’d be unhappy having to leave and do something else but in hindsight I don’t think that’s the case.
I feel like I have patterns across all these important areas of life but I don’t know what to call them / what they are specifically. I do know that I can’t get my head around the fact that people you trust can turn on you. I would never do it to anyone so I don’t expect it of other people, yet it keeps happening so it feels like a constant grief.
This is what I mean in that I’m doing things wrong / unhelpful to myself but I don’t know what they are or how to change. Plus it’s not just me its the actions of others. xxxxxxx