Anita and CableJ,

Thank you both so much for your thoughtful responses. To be honest, I’ve gotten so used to dealing with this darkness alone, I didn’t expect anyone to even respond. So, how healing it was to have you both respond with such insight!

Anita, re-reading my post, I realize that I didn’t formulate my words perfectly. I should clarify that while my husband did disclose unsafe memories about his father being inappropriate toward him and his sister when they were young, the memories of his uncle were of crimes against others, not specifically himself. As a young boy, my husband discovered those abuses his uncle took part in, and felt responsible for keeping those secrets for years, as they lived in the same house as his uncle growing up. Those horrific realities are the ones he tried to reveal to his family during his big confession storm, and are the realities they refuse to acknowledge (and accuse me of making him lie about). I don’t know that me clearing that up makes any difference, but somehow, making sure I ACCURATELY release these dark secrets my husband and his family put on my shoulders, helps me feel less crushed by them.

I also don’t know that I presented my husband in an accurate enough light. Your comments about my husband going back to sleep, and asking if I would sleep as well, made me have to truly analyze myself. I realize that in order to cope with feeling frozen in the this traumatic relationship, I often have to do exactly what my husband does with his family. I try and make my husband seem more “changed” than he truly is, as the alternative is too painful. Re-reading my post, I realize that I was really making it sound like he was earnestly trying to change, when in reality, he goes through phases of wanting to be better to me, and wanting me to hurt. The truth is, I struggle to figure out my husband’s true intentions toward me,  and that suspends me in a continued state of trauma. I tell myself he isn’t trying to make me this  broken, as it is true that he takes care of me when I am bed-ridden with trauma and depression (during which, he is very tender toward me). Yet, it is also true that every time I am doing well, and feel empowered, he relapses in his bad behaviors, sabotaging my healing and our relationship all over again (me finding success and/or  the return of his family are the two common triggers for his relapses). I guess acknowledging that on this forum is my small attempt at trying to stay awake.  So thank you for asking me such an insightful question. I really do want to stay awake and find healing one day, even if that means not hiding from my husband’s complexities.

You asked about me finding a support network. I feel like I’ve been trying for these past few years, yet I think I’m so drained and traumatized that I am perceived as a downer to be around. My friends and family all avoid me, as  I’m too depressing to witness. Most of my family outright tell me I’m too depressing to be around, and am too sensitive (I’ve always been the sensitive empath of the family, so that makes them brush my feelings and needs off rather easily, until they need me that is). My friends always remind me of how fun and light I used to be, and how I need to be my old self again. Everyone tells me to toughen up. I try. I fail.

I tried leaving my husband last year, and I even got accepted into graduate school after moving out. However, he really worked hard to stay in my life (suddenly became really close with my best friend’s new husband, hanging around my apartment constantly etc), and even though I tried pushing him away, his constant pressure and presence somehow made me feel too uncertain to go through with the divorce. My family and friends were even more radio-silent when I finally tried leaving, than they were before. Between being totally alone, without friends and family being present, and my husband’s continued pushing into my life, I felt too drained to continue with the divorce, or to continue graduate school. I started losing my hair (diagnosed with telogen effluvium due to stress) and moved back in with him, as it was easier to stay than it was to face what it would take to leave. A week after moving back in with him, he relapsed in his behaviors again, thus triggering the trauma cycle of betrayal all over again. With the separation this past year, I also lost being on his health insurance which would cover therapy. So, finding support even through therapy feels far away.

Anyway, I guess this post is more of a response to your questions, and somewhat of a way to acknowledge my reality. I don’t really have any questions. I just find healing in not being the only one that knows what I’m living through.  I am open to any more words of wisdom or healing you might wish to share. Thank you for listening!

G