Forum Replies Created
June 21, 2019 at 7:07 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #300137
I can’t even begin to speculate on why she would invite me. Maybe for the same reason I’d consider inviting her to a large-ish party – to keep the peace? Based on who she invited, most aren’t good friends. (I think she struggles with making friendships. I did a lot of PR for her this past three years with people who knew her and found her unapproachable and standoffish.) She certainly hasn’t contacted me to even say any semblance of “we’re cool” in the past two months after my apology. In the past we would go out regularly for drinks, but instead I know she’s been contacting the other women in the comment section via social media (I’ve since unfollowed them all). Maybe she’s firmly placing me in the acquaintance pile, which is where I’m putting her as well.
The good that has come of this…I’m able to recognize my true friends. And I have so many. Near and far. I’m grateful. Ditching these women did not leave a hole on my dance card. It gave me valuable time to focus people who deserve my friendship. It takes effort to make time for people, and I’ve simply stopped making the effort with them. I’m coming around to viewing my mistake as just that- a mistake that did not have ill intentions. I’d never have treated a friend who apologized this way. And if it was unforgiveable, I would NEVER have dragged it out for months. (And gone on vacation with the person who wronged me!) I did not deserve that treatment.
Thank you for putting a compassionate face to her behavior. That’s probably the only approach that will work for me moving forward. To view her sad reality instead of the nasty person she’s morphed into in my head. It’s more natural for me to be genuinely kind and move on.
PS – I not-so-secretly hope she makes other plans for tonight and doesn’t come.June 20, 2019 at 4:45 pm in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #300055
Brandy, you always give me great food for thought. Meeting face-to-face would definitely result in saying things I regret. I’ve written a few emails that I will never send. They are mean, uncensored, raw and purely for myself.
Since I last posted there have been a few developments. We went out to dinner with the stay-at-home dad and his wife. It was eye opening. I hadn’t been planning to bring it up, but we got to chatting about it and they were disgusted and said that the woman who had manipulated the situation had done that to another set of their friends. They also mentioned that the woman I’d been friends with for 5 years played a larger role than just “organically” bringing it up. It reinforced my resolve to just move on and realize that telling them off or explaining my side of things is pointless. I don’t want to salvage the relationships or bring them to my “side.”
I’ve seen the manipulator at school a few times and she either 1. thinks we’re on good terms OR 2. is committed to being fake nice to keep the peace. I’m fine w either but will not be investing another hot second on her.
Tomorrow at a mutual friend’s bday party, I’ll be seeing the “wronged” friend and I’m feeling nervous. I haven’t seen her since she walked into the restaurant with the other ladies.
Any advice? Being fake nice for the sake of the group seems to be the easiest. (I haven’t shared the situation with anyone and I’m fairly certain she didn’t either.) It’s unclear to me where SHE thinks we stand. (She recently sent me an evite for an afternoon jewelry party.) Personally, I think she’s childish, weak and easily manipulated. How would you approach her? Keep it short and move on?
PS- I also introduced her into this group, but I’m definitely not including her in activities. Passively boxing her out. Petty?
-KJune 9, 2019 at 10:56 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #298121
Brandy, your response came just in time. Yesterday I ran into one of the women at our kids piano recital. The one I had been friends with for 5 years and introduced to the group. The one who let my mistake drop then backed away from our friendship until she was given permission to text me- which she did unapologetically. She’s taken the hint about our friendship being at a stalemate, but it’s clear she thinks I’m upset w her bc she “told” and not bc of how she abandoned me when I needed her support.
It’s tempting to schedule coffee and give her my version, tell her why I’m actually upset with her. But it would fuel the drama.
Please reinforce for me why this would be a bad idea? I feel deeply, I invest in my friends wholeheartedly. It’s getting better, but seeing these women regularly is a constant struggle and setback.
KJune 7, 2019 at 7:21 pm in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #297925
Brandy, I’m so sorry you had such a terrible go of it with those women. It sounds like your takeaway was huge and you’re a stronger person for the experience. (And I’m reaping the benefits!) The things we do for our kids.
It’s funny, today I randomly ran into the husband (he was a stay at home dad, so he’s my primary friend in the couple) of the 5th couple in the group of friends and the ONLY two who were supportive to me. And I closed the loop on what happened (I’m truly committed to not repeating this story again, but he was inquisitive). And he essentially confirmed that one of the women manipulated the situation to create the drama. Now I feel no sadness and resentment, only anger. Confirms that they are NOT my people.
Having imaginary conversation telling them off, which I won’t do because it will feed the drama.
I will check out A New Earth and I will start my regular meditation again. Thank you!June 3, 2019 at 10:54 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #297191
Brandy, our community is the same but on a much smaller scale. What a crappy experience. Same moms doing all the events and running the show. I’m not really drawn to those parents, which is probably why this whole thing has me so shook. It was more about getting to know the parents of my daughter’s friends. Who knew? I’m refocusing my energy and slowly (but surely) transitioning from distress/sadness to anger/resentment. My guess is that she’s punishing me and thinking that I’ll be sitting here waiting for her with open arms, but I don’t play games.
Do you have any suggestions on where to start on mindfulness and meditation? I’ve dabbled in meditation, but not much experience in mindfulness.
KMay 29, 2019 at 10:28 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #296257
Anita, given the current state of things I’m just trying to focus on moving on. I’ve been thinking about the questions you posed earlier and it’s good food for thought, and if given an opportunity, I’ll definitely be asking. Although my current plan is to phase out these women in the least awkward way possible. They aren’t bad people, but they also aren’t my people.May 29, 2019 at 10:24 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #296255
Brandy, it’s good to know it gets better as the kids get older. Unfortunately, I still have a LONG time to go. My takeaways from this experience: my emotional resilience and self compassion needs A LOT of work.May 28, 2019 at 10:53 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #296139
“People are easy to negatively criticize others for things they themselves are guilty of. A person who gossips for example will criticize another for gossiping. Therefore, when a person criticizes you, instead of assuming sole guilt, if there is guilt at all, think: is the criticizer free of guilt, of the same wrongdoing she is accusing me of doing?”
This is true and good lesson for me to keep in mind moving forward. I should pay closer attention to how I reproach those around me and think if it’s something that I too am guilty of. As it’s applicable to these women, I’ll probably never find out.
Your parents concern for you comes from a place of love…they want you to be with someone they consider your equal on a professional level and someone who has a similar upbringing to you. (I say this as a child of immigrant parents who went through something similar in my early 20s). The qualities they are concerned about can lead to more successful match. (But they can also lead to misery and divorce.)
Listen, none of us wants to see our children fail and it’s hard to let go of that control. However, you’re a fully functioning adult AND an attorney. It’s time to make some decisions. If you break up with this guy, you could always resent your family for it.
What do you think they’ll actually do to you if you stay with him?
KMay 27, 2019 at 9:48 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #295943
I DID over-apologize, you’re right. For me, a genuine apology will fix a lot. This doesn’t seem to be the case with this woman. She did acknowledge my initial text response, but did not respond to my email or follow up with me after my tearful-apologetic breakdown. (Its now been more than a month.)
<span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: #ffffff; color: #333333; cursor: text; font-family: Georgia,’Times New Roman’,’Bitstream Charter’,Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>You’re right, we’re all curious and talk about eachother in different ways. </span>This is a good point.
I find her to be weak in that she is taking direction from one of the other women, she’s essentially flushed our 3 year friendship down the toilet. I’m only sorry that I wasted my time for so long. I hope she and I can get to a point where we can appreciate the good and move forward.
Thank you for your words of wisdom!
-KMay 27, 2019 at 9:40 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #295941
Hi Brandy, HUGE learning experience. And that’s great advice to stop talking about it. I’m also refocusing on positive things to say about each one of these people when they come up. “Oh her kids are so sweet!” My husband is great person to vent to, although I have a good friend who is in a different state and a therapist who is my go-to. But I agree, this shouldn’t be a local topic. And what an excellent point that it keeps it alive by talking about it. Letting it die a slow ugly death.
I hope they regret how they’re treating me, but not one of them seems to think they’ve done anything wrong. Even the one who dropped the information (my friend of five years!) and then didn’t call me for a head’s up or a well check. It’s now obvious why each one of them as trouble making/keeping friends. Mindfulness and meditation is on my list and this seems like a great opportunity to give it a try.
Working on forgiving myself and moving forward, thank you for the great advice and support.
KMay 26, 2019 at 10:17 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #295799
To loop back…I’m struggling on how to process and move forward. This is a new situation for me as an adult in my 30s and I haven’t experienced anything like this since I was a teenager. After having prided myself on being a good friend and having lots of positive friendships, this just blew up in my face. It is what is now and i’m focused on moving on. But I have NO IDEA how.May 26, 2019 at 10:13 am in reply to: Anxiety interacting with spouse's family / over their visits #295797
I’ve been in this situation and it’s painful. I’ve finally hit a point where I value the relationships between my in-laws and my children, but I’ve stopped putting forth effort to progress the relationships. Especially my sister in law. It is what it is and other than small talk, I don’t engage with them too much and I leave the room when I can.May 26, 2019 at 10:09 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #295793
I wondered the same myself and your assessment is pretty spot on in retropect. She and her husband are continuing to cohabitate for the sake of their children, and that’s not easy. I do find it extremely childish to take out your anger on others, this is not a quality I value in the people around me. It’s disappointing, but better now than in another three years.
Seeing as you have a pretty good read on the situation, what would you do if you were me?May 26, 2019 at 4:53 am in reply to: How to move on from the end of an adult friendship? #295725
Thank you for the response, Brandy.
I wanted to go directly to her, but I was told at the same school event by the “spiritual” woman to wait for her to come to me. (She already knew and they were better friends, so I took her advice.) In the mean time, everyone in our group had been speculating for months and it came up.
You are correct about forgiveness, and this friendship has run its course.
I’m struggling to get past my mistake, forgive myself and not care that I’m essentially cutting out three friends. The first woman I told has turned out to be a huge fair weather friend, that hurts after I introduced her to the group. She told them I shared this info w her w the other couple aNd then basically threw her hands up saying “oh no judgement from me!”
It’s funny bc if I threw everyone under the bus, I’d have a defense. But that feels petty and weak and it’s not my style.