Dear Anita,
thanks for wanting to understand better.:)
My parents did not and do not know that I used to cut. It was not very hard to hide, first because I’m really good at hiding things I don’t want others to see, so I was very aware of where to cut and I was also “disciplined” concerning cutting, knowing that too much/ too deep would get me into the trouble of having to explain myself (because medical care could be necessary; my parents would have proposed seeing a therapist if they had noticed) and second, there were rarely occasions I would show much skin since I was not very comfortable in my body. Between 18 and 29 I lived in other cities which made it even harder for them to see it. They were always concerned about that body part though, and tried to be encouraging (in both ways, accepting what was, so they did not shame me for it, but also supported me when I wanted to lose weight) and they always tried to make me see that there were more things to be and strive for than being skinny or popular. I think the trouble was not that I shied away from sharing some stuff with my parents because I was afraid of them reacting in a harmful / hurting way. Some things I ceased to share (e.g. moments of “fat jokes“ or the like) with my parents because I did not see the point in making them sad as well, if that makes sense? And I already knew what they would tell me from the times I had told them (that it was okay to feel sad about those fat jokes /comments, but that I also should never focus on what other people say) so my point was: why hurt them again (because it hurt them to see me (or us) hurting) by asking for advice I’d already gotten? When those comments/ kind of instances managed to overwhelm me despite all the things my parents taught me, and that I knew deep in my heart, I cut. Other things or rather the other thing that led me to cutting was that I one big feeling of unthankfulness for my life, or rather for life in general although I (had) have a good one; that I’ve always felt this deep unsatisfaction with the way the world is and that notion of guilt that whatever I do, the big picture will not change rapidly enough to really see fundamental change. And there is so much pain and suffering in the world and sometimes I could not /cannot help but feel it. About that second part, the “weltschmerz“, I could (and still can) talk to my parents (again, they never mh, I don’t know, teased me or mocked me for feeling that way, but tried to give me some perspectives as to help easing that feeling, e.g. by volunteering, but also, again, by supporting my choices (e.g. when I became vegetarian, they reduced their consumption of meat as well, started to look even more closely on where they buy animal products); about the first part, that there have been times (and still are) that I would’ve felt better/ happier not being born, I don’t (didn’t) talk to them because that would just be hurtful? I just cannot imagine finding a way of saying such a thing without the other party feeling extremely sad and probably guilty?
I hope there is some clarity in those words.

Thanks to you two for your answers and input! I guess I’ve known, or rather felt, for some time that I should try therapy to work on my problems more efficiently. So thank you, Mark, for suggesting to take this step!

Your analysis is quite accurate, GL, I dislike the label “weak”, “sensitive” as well. I want to be strong and supportive, most of all, I want to rely on myself rather than others – because I know if I do I easily overdo it. I’m the youngest of three and I often could rely on my sister for doing things I didn’t feel capable of, mostly without having to ask for it. We’ve always been very close and open with each other; in a way, I did not need to express my needs because we always just kind of knew. But that is also where this fear of being too dependent (which, for me, equals “weak”) comes from because I know that there was a time when I heavily relied on my sister (or any other close person) to do stuff and I ceased to do things on my own. But there’ll be moments when I cannot rely on people close to me (be it because we’re far away from each other, or just kept up in our own businesses etc. etc.), so I’m desperate to be(come) independent. Additionally, I admit that I used the independence “card” to cut people off when I felt hurt, giving the typical “I don’t need you” speech.

I also remember times when I did express my needs and people ignored it, or told me that I was needy, dramatic or annoying because of telling them how I felt. They didn’t understand and they made sure I knew – being the insecure person I am I took this as a truth about me. I guess that’s also why I started to focus on giving people the chance to just be themselves rather than putting my needs first or setting any boundaries. Increasingly, I just closed up because I didn’t see the point of exposing myself just to take another hit, but stayed “available” for others. I still manage(d) to open up to people, but I never shook off these notions of having been labelled “needy”, “clingy” or “annoying” – so, there’s the other part of my will to demonstrate independence.

Of course you’re right in saying that people, we, cannot read minds, but, most of the time, I’ve experienced being pretty on point in doing so when dealing with people around me and I just forget that this is not something I can expect of others. It is true that I have to work on this (on the whole “expectation” stuff as such) and that I have to ask for help / reach out to others. As a matter of fact I wrote my professor this morning, telling her about where I want to go with my thesis and my ideas, also asking for her guidance in those areas that I have been struggling with. So, I took a small step in the right direction.

Thanks again for dealing with this and giving advice!