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Grey HeronParticipantHi Anita. Thanks again for responding and helping me decipher things.
I understand what you are saying about more intense doesn’t necessarily mean better in the sense of being a mother. I have an intense relationship with my mum and one that I don’t always feel is very healthy. It was only after therapy that I considered being a mother myself.
I think you are right about him not being interested. At least for now, but maybe ever… He cries on occasion, usually if cry or am upset. I don’t really see him cry otherwise. He is low spirited usually when he feels overwhelmed at work and/or tired. I think he might see children as another source of stress which he can’t cope with. He likes to have things a certain way and is quite particular. I can see that maybe children are a scary unknown quantity for him. I don’t think he can see any positives or the point of having children. As you say, there is a September deadline, but maybe I already know the answer…
Grey HeronParticipantThanks for responding Anita.
Yes, perhaps I did come to the wrong conclusion with regard to my ex. I hadn’t thought of that and it is a very good point.
His main concerns regarding having children seem to be the sleepless nights and a loss of freedom. A lot of our friends who want children have had them now and do seem to relish telling us all the horror stories (and very little of the ‘good’ stuff). This really seems to scare him and I think he just likes things how they are now. He does enjoy being with ‘some’ children, but doesn’t seem to have much tolerance for ones which cry or are high spirited. Neither of us have had a huge amount of contact with children anyway. I am an only child and there aren’t any children in my family or his (we are the youngest generation). However, what I did learn from my last relationship was how unconditionally I could love a child. I feel that if I could love children which aren’t my own, even when they didn’t like me (or rather what I represented as a ‘step parent’), then it must be magnified with my own biological child(ren). I realised I could take both the rough and the smooth. It made me realise that I had the capacity to be a parent. Maybe he doubts this in himself (as I did a few years ago)?
My partner seems to have had a very happy childhood. He is close with all of his family and loves visiting them. He hasn’t mentioned any trauma except from bullying in his mid teens.
Grey HeronParticipantHi Ashley,
I can totally relate to what you are experiencing. I went through a bad break up a few years ago, and (Brokenharp) he ended up getting married to the person he left me for (within a year they were married with a baby). This was particularly hurtful when the reasons for wanting to split up were because he never wanted to get married and have kids (whereas I did). But anyway… what I did was to go to Meet-Ups, even the ones that sounded uninteresting, even when I didn’t feel like it. I was so horribily upset at the time (I had also lost a family member) that I had to break down each ‘social event’ or ‘meet-up’ into baby steps. So I would tell myself, “I just needed to put my shoes on”. Then “I just needed to walk to the bus stop”. Then “I just need to sit on the bus”…. etc, until I was at the event. I always told myself that I could turn around and go home at any point. But I never did need to. I would just smile at the first person I saw and say Hello. Sometimes it was good, and sometimes it wasn’t. But I ALWAYS felt better about myself, that I went and I survived. I ended up with some really cringy stories, that I can now laugh about with my friends. Just learning to laugh again really helped. I would just tell myself; these people don’t know me, are probably feeling the same as me and I want to make them feel better (all the emphasis was on them and not on me!). I also wanted to make a good impression. If you have just got a new job you must have a) looked good on paper b) impressed at your interview. Until socialising feels more natural, perhaps think of social events like putting your best points forward when you meet someone new. You can always leave the conversation or the whole event at any point (unlike when you have a boyfriend and you want to leave a party, but he doesn’t want to..ergh). You are now the captain of your own ship. If you feel like being a recluse for a few days, then do it. But give yourself something to aim for so you can check it off your list, and feel a sense of ‘progress’ or ‘achievement’. You never know what might happen.
Good luck ! -
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