Jon,

I can understand your feeling very well and can relate to those experiences and thoughts. What helps me is knowing, like you siad, that I cannot change others, but I can change myself, my perceptions, and my reactions to what is happening around me. Yes, optimally you would disassociate from “negative” people, but like you siad, if you care about them, you do not want to completely cut off the relationships.

It me, it is like this – I trained myself to become an impartial observer whenever I encounter negativity. It starts with awareness of what is happening, how it makes me feel, and what I am thinking when I am exposed to it. Little by little, I started modifying my thoughts … accepting that I cannot change the people around me, accepting and knowing that not everything lasts forever (they are not always negative), and changing my behavior around them. For instance, when they are positive, I offer more smiles, more interaction, more warmth. When they are negative, I withdraw from the situation. I have also expressed my feelings, however, this can only be received if the other person is receptive, so more of the work is done within myself.

Another helpful thing, like Eliza suggested, is to make opportunities for yourself where you are surrounded by pleasant experiences. Walks in nature, meditation, any activities that make you feel good about the world and yourself. It is an imposibility that everything will always be perfect and pleasant but you can learn to maximize pleasant experiences and in a way objectify the unpleasant by becoming an observer rather than a participant.

Also remember that nothing happens overnight. The change in you will be gradual but do not despair, just keep practicing. Such as a baby learns to walk, it does not happen overnight, it takes time, so do any changes we wish to make in our lives.

Another thing to consider is that this negativity around you can be seen as a sort of “gift” rather than a hinderance. By introspecting and modifying your reactions/thoughts, you will become a more resillient person. I have found that nothing in life is permanent, so eventually, the outside circumstances will change, whether you choose to remove yourself from those situations or they eventually morph into something else.

Wishing you peace and much positivity,
Helen

Kayla,

In romantic relationships it is not unusual, even when comfortable, to experience a level of fear that the relationship can be compromised. Your communication “block” could be a result of that even if you are not aware of it. As well, if this was the pattern in your family, it is likely that you developed a habit of this way of communicating, or not communicating. The good news is that any habbit can be changed.

The first step, which you already took, it ro recognize what is happening. The second step is to want to make a change, which you expressed you do. And the third step is to start making small changes. Next time he asks you what is bothering you, take a deep breath, and respond differently. If you know what is bothering you, just let him know. If you don’t know what is bothering you, just let him know that you are not sure but promise to share with him when you know. I believe this will deepen your relationship with both him and yourself to you. With each time you respond differently, your new pattern will establish, the more you do it, the more comfortable you will become with the new way of communicating. And eventually it will become a new habbit, a new way of being, second nature.

Also, do not be discouraged if it does not happen right away or if it is difficult at first. Take comfort in knowing that we all start not knowing certain things and become better with practice. From what I read in your post, I have confidence in you and your ability to make a change you want to make.

Helen

Annette, you are grieving now over the loss of something that gave you undescribeable joy and your mind is clouded. In this state, it is best to do nothing and allow time to heal you first. For 10 years, you held this secret in your heart. During this time have you ever wanted to reveal it? If you did not, why would you do this now? For 10 years, you lived this life. Was your conscience naging at you during this time? If not, why would it now?

I cannot either condemn nor condone an affair (or in this case a second relationship) but I can understand that humans possess an infinite spectrum of emotions that are expressed in various ways. You expressed yours in your way. To express it for such a long time is a choice you made, not merely a whim. It IS your life. You do not have to forgive yourself for your life and your experiences. Ask yourself this though: can you stay in your current marriage? For 10 years you had something else that gave you joy, what will give you joy now?

Another thing that resonates with me is this: society has established certain “norms” for behaviors that we are all supposed to follow regardeless of our natural inclinations. This cookie cutter approach is damaging to psyches of those who are not cookie cut. Some people are gay, and society is just now starting to accept them, some people are polyamorous, and society still frowns upon that. Have you considered that you may just be polyamorous? Perhaps a road to healing would be to accept yourself as you truly are, regardeless of society’s accepted “norms.” Look deep within yourself, listen to your heart, and see if you can feel why you choose this life. Within that answer will be the answer of what to do next.

Your husband. This is another matter entirely. This is a man who was “with” you for 24 years but does he really know the true you? It’s not a matter of what you reveal to him now, or how much it will hurt him, it is more of a matter if you can stay with someone who does not know the true you. Ask yourself, what do you want in your heart, what do you want your life to be. When you feel this, and it resonates with peace and relief with you, then take appropriate action, whatever that action may be for you.

What saddens me is that you have to hide your sorrow from those that love you. What saddens me is that you cannot be yourself because you had to hide for so long. What saddens me is that you are still hiding. What saddens me most is that you are not alone in your predicament, there are so many others is this world that are in very similar situations to yours, so many that cannot accept themselves as they are and have to resort of hiding in the shadows instead of shining their light. You cannot change the past, only step into the present and future embracing you as you are.

I believe you need to start with forgiving yourself and accepting that you are human. Not one person in this word is perfect, and not one person in this world is unworthy of love and forgiveness.

You are a different person now than you were when you were 18. You experienced life, emotions, new ways of thinking. It is impossible to go back, and even undesirable. Every experience you have, every choice you make, are a condiut to growth, and valuable in their own way. You may not believe this now but sometimes being broken to the core can lead to amazing things. Still your mind, and listen to your heart. All the answers are there, wiating for you to see them.

Your feelings regarding your friend are understandable. After what you went through, it is normal to have doubts and wonder whether it will happen again. Again, still your mind, and listen to your heart. What does it tell you to do?

Reading your life story, another thing stood out for me. You were never truly on your own, without a man, to learn who you are on your own. When we are in a relationship, we inevitably change slightly to accomodate to the other person. If we never experienced a period of non-relationship, so to say, how can we know who we truly are? Because of your self-doubts, self-disgust, do you think it may be a good thing to distance from a relatiosnhip so you can claim some time to truly heal form all the emotional turmoil?

Have you heard of Matthew Hussey? You can find him on YouTube and googling will lead to his website, blog, and other info. He has some really good insights for relationships and finding the one. Even for people in relationships, his insights can be applied to and are helpful for other areas of life.

It looks like you are in a good place to really start looking for the one. If you just wait, you chances of finding love are slim. There are never any guarantees, for anything in life, but you have better chances of sucess if you take action 🙂 Matthew has good suggestions on what kind of action and it will make more sense when you listen to his videos. It is nothing agressive or overly involving and you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it becomes when you apply his teachings.