I am going through an interesting stage of myself…

After the accident with the little bird, I was mediatting and I wanted to connect with my inner child. I tried to recall an image, a memory. I even tried to call my name in my mind. And there was still just dark… only dark behind my closed eyes and my breath… in… out… nothing came to me.

I decided to take a walk. And I daydreamed that there was little Jana with me and we explored the nature and checked what had just changed after a few days of rain… It is my game now. Just daydream that I am with myself as a child and have a good time.

When I came back, I sat down and tried to meditate again. And again… nothing… no little Jana.

I remembered the healer who taught me EFT. He told me that healing these deep wounds is difficult because we are healing but at the same time we are losing something of ourselves… and I understand now why people don’t want to let go… It is strange! How can I abandom my little self?

I tried it again. I meditated deeply. Focused a lot. I tried to meditate on some memories. And I found out that everything seemed so blurred… in a fog… I continued and felt nothing.

My childhood now seems like a fact… like 2 + 2 = 4… a plain fact, no feelings, no strong emotions… and he was right. It really feels like I am losing a part of me. I am supposed to feel something, right? But at the same time… this “nothing” feels light and good…

I feel this is something very important and I would like to withdraw from forums/media to give this stage of myself a proper time and care in nature.

🦋

“In our former lives, we were trees. Maybe we have even been oak trees ourselves. This isn’t just Buddhist theory; it’s science. The human species is a very young species—we appeared on the Earth only recently. Before that, we were rock, we were gas, we were minerals, we were single-celled beings. We were plants, we were trees, and now we have become humans. We have to recall our past existences. This is not difficult. You just sit down and breathe and look, and you can see your past existences. When we shout at the oak tree, the oak tree isn’t offended. When we praise the oak tree, it doesn’t raise its nose. We can learn the Dharma from the oak tree; therefore, the oak tree is part of our Dharmakaya. We can learn from everything that is around, that is in us. Even if we aren’t at a meditation center, we can still practice at home, because around us the Dharma is present.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh

🌳 ❤️

Hello Alessa,

you always bring interesting thoughts into discussions. I admire especially one thing about you and that is your kind openness. You went through a hell, but you don’t allow these bad things control you. And I know how hard it is! It is something satisfying to see people with pain but brave to heal and still be so sweet and open. You are very wise. 🤗

I’ll answer to your mail later. Thank you!

In gratitude and compassion, I bow down and transmit my energy to those I love.
All the energy I have received I now want to transmit to everyone I love, and all who have suffered and worried because of me and for my sake. I know I have not been mindful enough in my daily life. I also know that those who love me have had their own difficulties. They have suffered because they were not lucky enough to have an environment that encouraged their full development. […] I want all of them to be healthy and joyful. I pray that all ancestors in my blood and spiritual families will focus their energies toward each of them, to protect and support them. I am one with those I love.

In understanding and compassion, I bow down to reconcile myself with all those who have made me suffer.
I open my heart and send forth my energy of love and understanding to everyone who has made me suffer, to those who have destroyed much of my life and the lives of those I love. I know now that these people have themselves undergone a lot of suffering and that their hearts are overloaded with pain, anger, and hatred. […] I pray that they can be transformed to experience the joy of living, so that they will not continue to make themselves and others suffer. I see their suffering and do not want to hold any feelings of hatred or anger in myself toward them. I do not want them to suffer. I channel my energy of love and understanding to them and ask all my ancestors to help them.

🤗

Hello Roberta,

thank you for giving me food for thought for the weekend.

I would like to think about your words and the teachings of Right Speech more.

When I was an older teen, a very good friend of mine told me: “You are disgusting when you drink.” It went through me like a knife right into my heart. It was harsh…a harsh reality check. I don’t remember my feelings exactly anymore, but I am sure that I was offended. What I do remember is that it was one of the first eye-opening moments when I realized that not only was I too often intoxicated, but also turning toxic… hurting people I liked… and it made me to reach for help.

He wasn’t kind… in words… but he actually helped me a lot.

Hello Alessa,

yes 😊 it’s spot on, actually! … we learn by doing… only then we can really understand.

I am leaving today for a holiday, so I wanted to leave a note here before I am offline for quite a long time.

Anita, I believe that it would be the best for both of us to not continue communicating together.

What I would like to emphasize is that it’s not meant to be bad at all. I think that the two of us are so different on the spectrum of thinking – feelings that we’ll just keep going in the circle of misunderstanding. I wish we could part on good terms. 🙏 😊

I don’t see it as bad. Quite the opposite. It’s proof that when people don’t understand each other internally, they’re just too different, so it’s perfectly fine to break up on good terms and let each other go. ❤️

Also, we both have completely different interests in this forum. After reaching my internal validation, I am looking more for friends, I want to be close to real people with similar hobbies… nature, buddhism, peace, love… just common things in our lives… You need a lot of intellectual conversation, analysing… you know very well that I don’t agree with it, as I see that as a form of running away. Too big difference in interest, thinking between us…

It was a pleasure to meet you. I’ve never met anyone like you. However, I don’t like going in circles, I don’t like repeating the same harmful patterns… and my heart tells me that I just need to let you go to step out… It is really meant with love, understanding and peace.

I am sending lots of ❤️ ☀️ on your path of healing. Let’s part on good terms and go our seperate ways.

You don’t have to answer. I am satisfied with peaceful silence. 🙂 👋

I will never allow my past and childhood to define me and destroy my relationships with my family. ❤️ We are here and now. 🙂