Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is very interesting to read different points of view on self-compassion and the struggles connected to achieving it. We are the same, but different. The same in our essence, but the stories are different.

What was your perfectionism, Anita? I remember that I used to be a perfectionist at university, which brought me good results and some form of recognition and acceptance (which I strived for – feeling accepted and recognized was the drive for me to be “perfect” that time). Now, looking back I can see how impermanent my goal was. I worked hard, studied all nights, got great grades, got some approval from a professor from time to time and then… it all could begin again. I never satisfied my need to be recognized and accepted…

What kind of affirmation do you use? And what happened that you no longer feel “cringe” saying nice things about yourself, Alessa? I have this experience, too. I’ll elaborate more about it later. (My dog is crying outside and I need to go to take her for a walk.) And do you mean that you are still in touch with your inner child, teenager etc. and this way you cultivate self-compassion, or you have always had different feelings about yourself based on your age?

Please, share more! 😊 🦋

Thank you a lot. 😊

Hello Alessa,

don’t be sorry. I know that there is no change without a bit of suffering. 🌼

I wonder what you would think of me if you knew me personally. If you saw how I look like, how I behave, how I am calm and quiet, how I am introverted and rarely speak, … People judge others by these things and they do not bother to get to know me better when they meet me because it takes more time and effort, so they don’t know what I am really like inside.

No one ever told me that I am strong and resilient. They don’t know my past, they only see my appearance and behaviour.

But you know my past, my thoughts from these posts … and it is great to feel appreciated at least by people online (and my partner). 😙 Thank you. ❤️

I bear in mind: Don’t judge book by its cover… we never know what others are going through, what their past was like… it is good for cultivating compassion for others.

📔 It is February 13, 2025, 15:06

Hard times.

But I am contended.

I am able to enjoy hard times because I know from my past that going through hard times brings happy times. And the cycle repeats itself again.

But when I am brave to face the cause of my suffering and work with my pain, the hard times don’t lead me to another phase of happy times, but to a growth. Then another phase of hard times is significantly shorter or weaker and happy times slowly transforms into contentment.

Contentment brings peace because it accepts the hard times, too. I am grateful for challenges I need to face. I wouldn’t grow without them. And I always realize this mainly in hard times…

I recently went through a period of despair… It is the worst feeling for me. The complete loss of hope, of a way out… It used to tear me apart every time I felt it. But the last time, a few days ago, it was different. I found out that my despair stems from my false belief that I am a weak person. But I had never worked with it. When I started to work on my self-compassion, the feeling of the despair slowly but surely begins to lose its intensity… There is still a lot to do. But I feel that changes are on my way…

It is not easy to be a human being with all these complicated feelings and emotions. And I sometimes feel lost and confused in this world. But for me, as a spiritual person, it’s all worth it. ☀️ 🪷 ❤️

Hello! I was thinking that I should have this thread deleted. I realize that we discussed a lot of personal things and now when a frequent member suddenly and unexpectedly left, I have a feeling that deleting this thread (and the member’s posts) might create a little safer space when she decides to come back… I know that it might be uncomfortable to read something we decided to share but then realized that it was too personal and it might create some troubles in the future. I’ll copy this thread into my mail (because you gave me great advice I want to remeber)where it stays private only for me and then ask moderators to delete it.

Also, I was thinking if I didn’t make this thread only about me and “occupied” the space here too much.

bold was only word “intended”.

Hello Anita again!

It is an interesting thought.

In my eyes my mother is not a bad person. The reason I believe so is that I am convinced that she never really intended to hurt me. That’s important. It wasn’t her goal to see me suffer. (bold to emphasis)

I am a good person who managed to survive very hard times… kindness and sensitivity are strengths not weaknesses… and my life is proof of that.

“In regard to asking my mother for help, that would have been strange: to ask her to protect me from herself- because she was my main source of pain and trauma. No one, no person in my life (and there were selfish, bad people in my life) has hurt me as much as she did, not even close.”

Your mom was a bad person, because she intended to hurt you. Your story is very special and I would like to thank you for sharing it. It is important to see different stories. Sharing helps understanding. ***POSSIBLE TRIGGER*** If you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings. (Please ignore this, if you don’t) I was wondering: How do you feel about your relationship with your mother today? From your posts, it seems to me that you are at last free of her. 🙏 🤗

Hello Helcat,

yes, I know this “prison rule” from my boyfriend: “You have to identify the leader of the group of bullies and knock him/her out.”

You are brave! You had to take on the role of protector.

I was never brave. I couldn’t fight. Even though I loved being outside, running around the wood, climbing trees, building little small houses from sticks, playing with animals, … I was and always have been a tender girl/woman. I just can’t hit someone. I’ve always hated arguing or loud exchange of opinions. I am very slow to act and react… and when I am “surprised” by someone angry, I just stare… my brain is suddenly shut down… And I was like that as a child, too. I never knew how to protect myself verbally. Let alone physically. The best strategy was to be alone. Being alone meant being safe.

The elementary school, the children and the teachers at this school were one long nightmare. Everything improved a bit at high school… well at least with regard to having some good friends. However, my “alcohol career” started and it wasn’t nice, either. From 16 to cca 25/26 I worked in a pub where there were a lot of unhappy people, alcoholics, gamblers, drug-users… It was wild! I basically had to drink to put up with all of the suffereing I witnessed. I saw people being at their lowest point of life… and it was dark… sad and so lonely.

My life was a treadmill then. And when my granny passed away and I had to put my doggy down (my little buddy ❤️) because she was very ill, it was like these dark chapters of my life were finally closed and sealed for good… I substituted a technical English teacher for one foundry worker… and that man later became my boyfriend… since then my life just got better and better… I finally feel accepted, loved, respected… I can live in a house in the woods, have pets and explore my spiritual part. All my little dreams came true.

I think it’s good to experience even very difficult times. Hard times enrich us (if we let them). I don’t see my life as something that messed me up. It did influence me – I still do not trust people, I expect people turning against me and I need my freedom to feel happy and safe. These patterns sometimes influence my life negatively, as in my working life, but I am working on it. I am thinking that I can use work opportunities which match my patterns… maybe in this case I am just look in the wrong direction.

I’m glad you see things on the bright side. You had many very traumatic experiences in your life. It’s great that you didn’t give up on people because you remember the good ones in your life.

I am not sure how OSPOD (social workers here) exactly work here, what they can do… but as a parent you cannot kick out your child. You could go to prison for a child neglect. You can end up in prison also for not paying alimony. I know a woman who refused to pay alimony to her ex husband and she spent three years in prison for that.