journal (Dec 16, 2024, at 9:15)

I would like to write a short journal entry about my fear of people again.

Yesterday, we watched a movie Furioza on Netflix. A film about hooligans, a lot of violence, beating especially… I was so nervous and tense watching the scenes.

I remember when I was a teenager I used to go to visit my grandma who lived in a different part of our town. I always walked over a river and I had to go through the lock chamber on the river. Once on my way I met a gypsy who wanted some money or what, and he followed me all the way to the lock chamber. And there we met a group of neo nazis…

That was a great chance for them – a girl being harrassed by a gypsy – a perfect pretext to beat the gypsy… I remember they surrounded us and one of them, obviously the craziest (I had a memory of him in my head right away when I saw the first scene in the movie – a man eager to beat someone no matter what) gave me a choice, either they beat the gypsy or me. I told him that they should beat me, which turned out to be a good choice because there were members in the group who were sane enough to told him that they wouldn’t beat a girl. So, at least he gave me a hard time, mocking me for shaking (it was the physical expression of my social phobia – I always shaked uncontrollably).

It was a lot for me and at one point I started to cry a bit. I was lucky that the other members probably felt uncomfortable bullying a young girl who was terrified and they started to argue with each other. And the gypsy took his chance and ran away. And they all ran after him… I remember standing there, quite shocked… I was thinking if he managed to run away… But I don’t think so. 😔

I don’t know what is worse for me, to be beaten or see somebody being beaten. Both really hurt me… but the latter is worse for me.

I remember I met the older boys from the group many times after this encounter on the lock chamber… always with black eyes, bumps on heads, bruises, etc. … I felt very bad to see them beaten like that. It made me feel very anxious. I had a few encounters with them but just a bit teasing… I wasn’t attacked by them.

At some point… when I started to look as a young woman, boys (becoming young men) avoid hitting me. I guess their thinking changed and it felt bad to hit a woman… Also, I noticed that some boys started to feel the need to protect, you know the “protection instinct”… some grew up from violence, others unfortunately don’t… some men have violence as a lifestyle (viz. hooligans)

The movie really brought all this back to me… the worst is that it is not just a movie… these people are out there. They want to fight, they want to beat somebody so much… I was thinking what I could do if I meet them… How can I protect myself?

I don’t like violence, especially this type… fists, boxing, kicking, hitting, … so, no UFC, no MMA etc at all…

I am also very grateful that police forces are not so corrupted here and they really help and protect people. And I am happy that they are always on trains protecting people when hooligans go to matches. They also prepared special trains only for hooligans and control them all the way to the stadiums.

Just my thoughs this Monday.

I realize that it is very difficult for me to analyze my fear of people according to the Buddhist philosophy which I posted on December 13, 2024 at 12:35 am. But I will try to do so today and later post more about it.

Buddhism

The Four Nutrients

I forgot to write earlier that all my posts about Buddhism are by Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, my virtual Buddhist teacher. If you know different interpretation of these ideas or your favourite Buddhist school says something different, feel free to share it here. I am open to discussion.

We should be mindful about what nutrients we ingest and what impacts they have on us.

1. Food and drinks: We need to recognize what food and drinks are helpful or harmful. We need to practice mindfulness when we shop, cook and eat. We should try to eat mindfully, too.

2. Sense impressions: Our sense organs – eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind – are in constant contact with the world around us, which represents a food for our consciousness. We have to become aware of what we ingest from the world around us through our senses. And we need to recognize what makes us happy or unhappy.

3. Volition or intention: We need to cultivate the insight that status, wealth, material possessions, fame, revenge, … are obstacles to our happiness. Our happiness is present here and now (which is very difficult for many people to understand or accept and they chase their happiness in the form of wealth, career, status, …). We will be able to understand this by practicing mindfulness and meditation. The capacity of enjoying life here and now liberates us from attachements, impulses and expectations, which society puts on us, and bring a real happiness.

4. Consciousness: Our consciousness is like “the ocean with the six rivers of our senses flowing into it.” Everytime we ingest toxins (alcohol, junk food, tabloids, violence on TV, catastrophic news, materialism, envy, jealousy, …), we hurt our consciousness. And we suffer… and those around us suffer, too. Because we – our consciousness – become the nutrients for others.

Can you see this in your real life? I can. Very often. I’ll write about it later in one of my journal posts.

Hello Helcat,

It is more about my energy and work with my energy than feeling stressed. He has a holiday now and there are no audits at work so he has a relaxing time now. But I want to try what Roberta suggested to me – spend the first few minutes with some relaxing activities such as having a lie-down for a while with no talking, having a coffee/tea and after the emotions are soothed and calmed, take 10 minutes to talk about the problems at work.

I personally foster a compassionate mindset towards myself by mindfulness, meditation and my favourite activities outside. I also try to be kind to myself. Being consistent in my mindfulness and meditation has already helped me a lot. 🙂

Hello Anita and Helcat,

thank you for sharing your opinions and experiences with me. It is really helpful! And I am happy that I found my online sangha here. 🙂

When somebody asked me what was wrong with me, I answered that I was perfectly fine with a smile and asked the person if he or she needed anything from me. I think I am quite good at dealing with both implicit and explicit criticism against my personality. I am not easily thrown off balance by criticism, which was very common when I was younger. But I do feel affected by the words later, maybe when I think about it too much or I have my introvert hang-over.

You asked me what I do for my self-care, self-soothing. I always remind myself that I am not only a suffering. I am not only this feeling of alienation. I am also a feeling of growing independence and joy. I am capable of understanding and compassion. And I am determined to be better.

I remind myself that I have already overcome worse feelings and problems – very complex social phobia. And I am proud. But not too proud! But it is a reminder for me that I am able to overcome really deep negative emotions and uneasy feelings. The thing is that I too often let myself carry away and fall into my forgetfulness, running habit energy.

I tell myself some nice words. I smile at myself in the mirror. I hug myself. And if it is not enough, I ask my partner for extra hugs. 🙂 He doesn’t care what others say. He stands by me and say “You are my little Buddha, peaceful and wise.” He told me many times that he finds my quiet and calm personality attractive and important. He is the person who needs peace and stability in relationship (no drama, no mind games, …) and I give it to him through my introverted personality. And I feel loved and respected. I remind myself that I have him and that’s a gift after all the years of suffering. And I don’t take him for granted. His opinion is more important than others’ because I spend my life with him, not others.

journal (Dec 11, 2024, at 10:25)

So, I have taken a more active role in our relationship. I promised that here. I ask him if he needs my help and I ask him if everything is okay when he seems to be tired. He is very responsive to my care.

He got over the dissapointment of not being promoted. We discussed together that it was actually a good thing in the end, because the top management is so moody that they could end up firing him after a year. Now, he has a stable job with a very good salary by Czech standards.

He has a holiday this week and he spends a lot of time with our dog. She is so happy that her “daddy” is home and requires his constant presence. 😅  I think she will be soooo sad when he gets back to work.

We will have a lot of visitors over the next two weeks, his colleagues, his friends, my parents. I will have a lot of opportunities to socialize as an introvert. I’ll see how it goes. 🙂

He supported me a lot when I was worried about my working life. He told me that I should continue in ono-to-one lessons because I can balance my work time and alone time better this way. I agree. I am going to update my websites, upload more teaching materials on my pinterest and I will create a new CV and send it to a language company which provides conversation lesson just by phone calls. I think my experiences might be useful for them. I will see. 🙂

Hello! Just a quick message from my phone. (I’ll write more later when I have more time)