it’s so sad that people feel bad, guilty and ashamed of their pain… if it weren’t for that, many of us would have a better chance of healing.

Hello Helcat and Anita,

It helps. Thank you a lot. That’s great to have you both. ❤️ Really. It does help on intellectual level. It all makes sense. But on my emotional level, I still tend to blame myself and deny anyone else’s role in this. (the brain says: “You let this happen to you. Get over it and stop whining.”)

I’ll take a slow shower, listen to something nice and calm and I’ll come back later this evening (here 20:32) or tomorrow.

Growing up, I felt that there was either a lack of interest or rejection/belittling of my troubles. So, I gave up. I realized that I was simply alone. I had to go through it on my own. And I closed myself in my little inner world, the only world, hope, support I had/have… And I feel selfish because now as an adult I should be a part of society – the “outside”…a responsible, practical, useful member of the outside…. I have problems with it… on many levels… I was an independent introvert even as a very small child (my parents always tell me about it), but later my introversion became deeper… and during the life I gradually lost motivation to be a part of the “outside”… like “Why should I try? It always ends up badly. I’m better off alone.” … and that’s where I feel selfish… that I became such a maverick…

I tried one personality test and found interesting results:
INFP, mediator
85% introverted: You likely prefer fewer, yet deep and meaningful, social interactions and feel drawn to calmer environments.
66% intuitive: You’re likely very imaginative and open-minded, focusing on hidden meanings and distant possibilities.
86% feeling: You likely value emotional expression and sensitivity, prioritizing empathy, social harmony, and cooperation.
56% prospecting: You’re likely very adaptable, easygoing and flexible, prioritizing spontaneity over stability.
81% assertive: You’re likely self-assured, even-tempered, and resistant to stress, refusing to worry too much.

(“resistant to stress” and “refusing to worry too much” seems to me a bit contradictory… I refuse to worry too much that’s why I tend to avoid stress.)

Some points I relate to a lot:
“… Your journey is one of balancing your rich inner life with the demands of the external world…”
“… You thrive in environments that allow you to express your creativity, help others, and stay true to your values…”
“… Your challenge lies in finding a career that not only aligns with your values but also provides the flexibility and autonomy you crave, allowing you to make a meaningful impact while staying true to yourself…”
“For you, personal growth is an ongoing journey of self-discovery and authenticity. You’re constantly seeking to understand yourself better and to align your actions with your deeply held values.”
“Your path to growth often involves learning to balance your idealism with practicality…”
“In relationships, you seek deep, meaningful connections that honor your need for authenticity and personal growth.”
“Learning to communicate your needs effectively, set healthy boundaries, and accept others (and yourself) as imperfect beings is crucial for building lasting, fulfilling relationships. While you value close connections, you also need time alone to recharge and reconnect with yourself.”

Hello Anita,

I guess you are right.

Basically, I prefer to be found in uncertainty, which I can solve myself, than in certainty where I have to adapt. I’d rather be a self-employed person struggling financially at times, than to be employed and financially secure, but under control. I rather risk on my own than being in false sense of security.

I grew up alone, with no guidance, no support, no interest… and I was left that way for a very long time… I had to be on my own… until I was basically 27 before I met my boyfriend. (I had tendencies to sabotage our relationship in the first few weeks) And I’m probably so used to being alone, making decisions on my own, organizing my own life that I feel conflicted when it’s about to change… it is stresful to adapt to external control/expectations/rules… I find myself in conflict me vs others. And then I have this urge to resist even at the cost of losing a good opportunity…

THANK YOU!

📔 it is January 27, 2025, 8:45

I would love to continue my journey. I strayed off my course this month.

I made some notes in Hanh’s book. I haven’t finished it yet and I went back to the first chapters discussing the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path.

I was thinking about how I could “analyze” my suffering in the context of the twelve turnings of the wheel of the Dharma. (post #440400) I might think about it more.

I read somewhere that we are born to learn bad habits in the first part of life only to spend the second part of life learning to unlearn these vices. It is so true. Unlike animals, which are taught useful skills for life by parents.

I think it was on pinterest. And here I am finally getting to the picture of the mouse. Did you recognize that the picture is AI generated? I was quite shocked! I tried to make some pictures in AI for my picture dictionary but I never got such a realistic result. I think it is great for good purposes. But I am a bit afraid that in the future AI will be used by scammers more and more. So, we should try to be well informed about it.

My student told me that she tried to speak with ChatGPT in English and let it correct her English… I think I will be without a job soon. 😅

I can hear many birds outside today. It’s beautiful. It almost feels like spring here now. No snow. One thing I really like about snow is that it is very easy to track animals. I like watching, listening, following animals. I found tracks of one wild boar whose tracks are as big as my palm. He must be HUGE. I followed him but the tracks were quite fresh and when we got into the wood, my dog became nervous which meant that the boar would be near. I didn’t test it. Wild boars are the only dangerous animals here – there are no wolfs, bears… I think there are some packs of wolves in the Ore Mountains, which is very far from us. I found very large dog tracks – they belong to one Alabay which lives here. And there are of course foxes, martens, squirells, deer, … There is a crow here, too. And when I stay somewhere silently, he/she always flies near and communicates – replies to my calling. They are special birds, very clever. When we lived in the city, we used to have “a chat” with ravens and magpies which lived in our suburbs. That’s the only thing I like to remember from the city.

I have a relaxing day… I look forward to some meditation today. (at long last 🙂 )

I do agree. Medicine has its place. If there was no medicine, my boyfriend wouldn’t be here. It is not possible to cure something as serious as cancer with herbs alone. But it is horrible that chemotherapy – medicine for cancer – actually slowly kills the person that it is trying to heal. There was a young man who died not of cancer but of chemotherapy. His body couldn’t take it anymore. He was only 23. 😟

in the middle of chemotherapy my boyfriend had a breakdown and didn’t want to continue with the treatment. Fortunately, there was a great psychiatrist who persuade him to continue. She also prescribed him something “so that he could sleep well.” (😅) Well, he told me that it was a terrible experience for him because he was so numb that he wanted to say something to his roommate in the hospital and he couldn’t speak. His hands also suddenly began to twitch. At this stage his mother stepped in and decided to help him with weed. And it really helped him – it helped him to relax and he was able to sleep and eat.

So, you’re absolutely right that medicine has its place, but it can do a lot of harm, as well. On the other hand, banned but natural substances such as weed or kratom can sometimes be helpful.

I was terribly worried about my future after maturity exam. I had only two visions of my future – either I would become an alcoholic or a pill addict. And to me both meant the road to hell. I also really wanted to solve my phobia, not just suppress it with something. And that is another problem I can see in medicine – it doesn’t heal us, it only cures some symptoms.

I am quite surprised that you were prescribed tramal for a toothache. Is it common?

And what do you do with your chronic pain now? if I may ask and you would like to write about it more? Did meditation help you to manage your emotions again? 🙂