I’m happy with the decision she wants, I don’t work with that person anymore, it was my weekend job which I don’t do anymore as I’m with this girl.

I’m not sure how I’ll feel once it all blows over. Just for now I can’t get out of my own head. Once I’m with her again I’ll forget about it all. Then back to normal next Tuesday, until I see her on Thursday and so on until she goes home.

Once I’m in Australia we’ll see where I am. Life is so frustrating at times! Will keep the forum updated as who knows it might help someone one day

Hi, really interesting reply.

Ive never really looked into my past as a child as a reason for how I feel. To be honest with you I can’t name specific times I’ve felt that way. I was kicked out of my house a lot by my mum, I suppose my dad had left the house abruptly a couple times and stayed away. I was bullied pretty badly in school and tried to just brush it off, which worked at the time.

I talked to her about what we were going to do when she goes home. In order to get to Australia in November, I’d need to work every day from when she leaves till when I leave. I told her I can’t do this. Before I met her, my ex had left me just over a month before and I was in a bad place mentally. She helped me out of that and gave me something new and fun to put everything into. I said I should be able to get to Australia in January.

She also mentioned that she doesn’t think we should begin an official relationship, and that we shouldn’t be exclusive at least until I get to Australia. She said this isn’t because she wants to sleep with other people, but that she still doesn’t have the trust back in me not to do the same thing I did before. She said before she would close off other opportunities for me, but she might not this time. She’s very upset and has cried a lot over the past day, and I can’t help but feel scared because I don’t know if I feel the same anymore.

This just feels so weird to me because a week ago I was watching football with my friends and I missed her. The same happened when I felt this way before and I missed her when I was watching football. I feel like I’ve lost interest, and although she is what I thought I want, maybe she isn’t? She’s funny, very smart, saves money, works hard, she’s going to be very successful and is already on £40,000 a year at 20 years old. She’s conservative (not politically), she cares about me, cooks, cleans, treats me well. She’s not materialistic, she would want to help me improve my life and me the same for her. But sometimes she gets upset about her body (which is literally a models body) and doesn’t want to do things like swim in the ocean when we were on holiday. She doesn’t seem to party, and sometimes I think to myself she’s a bit boring. This feels cruel to say. Before these are traits I would’ve found attractive, and I find girls that are too boisterous and promiscuous unattractive. This girl is willing to try new things with me, but maybe just not everything I want. I don’t know!

I think I’ve devoted so much time to her in the last 5 months without getting over my last girlfriend, and neglected my family and friends so much that I’m now starting to see that too. Everything I’ve done for the last 5 months has been for her. She’s been my motivation the entire time.

It’s strange, I don’t want anyone else, but the thought of this being forever is scary. She’d be an amazing wife and a brilliant mother. She has a great loving family and lives in a lovely house, she doesn’t deserve to be hurt. She whispered she loved me last night when we were falling asleep and it broke my heart.

I didn’t feel it back.

I think the best decision for me now is to try and have a happy 2 weeks before she leaves. It’s likely I’ll suggest that we don’t remain in contact for the next few months as I save for Australia as I don’t think it’s healthy, especially if I want to pursue a potential future with her. I’m angry at myself because I want to love her. I want to think about her and think about our future and be excited. I want to feel how I felt 2 months ago. I want to feel how I felt working 80 hour weeks and thinking it was all worth it and all going to be okay because it was all for her.

She helped me out of a very tough part of my life and I feel like I’m about to drop her into the way I felt. It isn’t fair. Last Friday, she was taking longer to reply to me than normal and it annoyed me, I worried that she didn’t feel for me as much anymore. Then I got to hers and all was well. We had a great weekend.

I do have concerns with our sex life too. She’s inexperienced and doesn’t know what she likes. There is only one way we can have sex that makes her finish, which is her on top. I don’t have anyone in particular I think my sex life was better with before, so I find this weird. Afterwards I feel amazing, but thinking back on it, it doesn’t feel amazing.

I just have so many conflicting feelings. I think I need to take a break from it all and find myself. I’ve relied on women to make me happy for the last year and it isn’t healthy. I feel guilty.

I wish I’d met her in Australia so that I would’ve never cheated, and so we didn’t have to have such a weird relationship. Maybe we’ve spent too much time together in a small period (every minute of every Saturday, Sunday + Monday and some Fridays/Thursday evenings for the past 2 months) so my brain is just used to her now. Maybe the feelings she has for me now are the ones I had for her when I was working so much for when she came. I knew I loved her before she got here, and now I don’t think I do.

Next week I probably will again, maybe I wont. I don’t know. I want to love her, she’d give me a great life.

My exes before have been pretty horrible if I’m honest, one was nice until the end. Maybe this is what my problem is. I’m scared if I can’t love this girl for more than 6 months, how am I meant to do it for anyone else. I’m just in an awful position. I think if I let her go I’ll look back on 10 years and think what an idiot I was.

I don’t know.

Hey, thanks for your reply. I avoided this for a while but have come back to it now.

You are welcome. “Yesterday she even met my dad …. If I’m totally honest I don’t know if it is going to work… I’m going to continue playing it how it has been before… She’s still excited for me to come to Australia and so am I“-

– she might be thinking that you are serious about her, being that you introduced her to your father yesterday. When in Australia, she might have you meet all of her family, thinking this is serious, not knowing that you are very conflicted, that you are not totally honest with her, and that your plan is to continue playing it  how it has been before.

“I’m speaking with a therapist who’s helping me with it all“- good thing.

“I won’t bring up what happened before again as far as I can help it“- you mean that you may not be able to not bring up the topic that hurts her.. as in being compelled to bring it up?

“We’ll see how we get on, but for now I’m happy and so is she.“- your romance story has been a very fast romance story, too fast, and she is far away from home. I think that she needs to go back to Australia, and recover in familiar settings: separate her Dreams and Hopes from Reality. Maybe seek therapy there.

It may help if she can see an therapist before she leaves the UK.

I wonder about your attachment style in romantic/ sexual relationships, if it is the avoidant or the ambivalent kind where you seek closeness with a woman, on one hand, and sabotage closeness, on the other hand. Are you aware of the concept of attachment styles?

I’ve been able to largely forget about what I did with the other girl. It comes up occasionally but I brush it off now and it doesn’t affect my thoughts and feelings towards the Australian girl.

I do, however, keep facing extremely conflicting thoughts. One minute I love her, another minute I don’t know if I want to be with her. The thought of her with anyone else is horrible but then I feel like she deserves better than this.

She leaves soon and I’m getting more and more scared of when she does. I’m not attracted to anyone else and I’m going to commit to working so I can save up to get to Australia, but not having her here is going to be awful and I just don’t want to feel like this whenever I’m not with her.

When I’m with her I feel amazing, I don’t want to leave. Once I go home I begin to worry. I trust her 100%. I stupidly told her I loved her when I was with her 2 weeks ago. I felt it completely at the time and I cried when she said it back after a bit of a pause. The last 2 girls I’ve been with have said it to me and didn’t mean it, and to be honest I don’t even know if this girl did. But I think that’s my insecurity.

I stopped therapy because I couldn’t afford it and didn’t think I needed it anymore. I felt fine again. I care for her deeply and don’t want to let her go but I’m constantly doubting myself.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This girl is everything I’ve dreamed of. Literally.

To be honest I thought about how I’m going to afford Australia yesterday and I’m going to have to delay it by about a month, so I won’t see her for almost 4 months. Once she goes home I’ll get a better grasp of what I want to do.

I’m scared of hurting her but I don’t know if I’m just delaying the inevitable. I know that if I end our relationship I’m going to be heartbroken over it even though it’s my decision. I can’t win either way.

I’ve heard of attachment styles and I don’t know what I fall under. I don’t want anyone else. I want her, but I don’t know if I need to let her go to see the picture clearer. But then if I do that I’m scared I can’t get her back. I feel pretty hopeless right now. I’ve met a woman who makes me happy when I’m with her, and when I leave I doubt things.

I don’t know if this is relevant but I find myself watching adult videos of girls cheating on their boyfriends (made up for the scene of course) and after think to myself ‘what am I doing’. The thought of someone doing that to me is horrifying yet I find something arousing about it?

I would also add that this happens with everyone. My previous relationships I’ve doubted things when I’ve not been with them. I do the same with my family and barely contact them if I’m not with them. When I am with them, it feels like they were never gone in the first place. I’m also extremely impulsive and don’t tend to think in advance.

The only time off I get from these thoughts are when I’m with her, when I play drums and when I play football. Other than this, I can’t escape it. And what’s funny about that is that I’ve only felt this way again the last 3 days.

I know relationships and love aren’t perfect, but this just worries me. I miss feeling how I felt before I slept with the girl from work. It’s my own fault how I feel now.

I’m scared for when she goes home. She kept bringing it up last weekend, I think that might be what’s caused these thoughts again.

<p style=”text-align: right;”>Hey,</p>
 

Thanks for your reply. I stayed at hers last night and I do feel better after calming down and relaxing. She’s essentially said she doesn’t know what she wants and she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal.  My issue now is that nearly every moment I spend with her I’m happy and forget for a minute, then I think how great it would’ve been if I hadn’t done what I’d done and I was just sitting there guilt free and in love with her.

I know it seems like self sabotage, but I can’t stop thinking that she deserves more. The feeling did go before for about a month but then came back in a huge wave, and I’m hoping slowly it’ll go away again.

I know real life isn’t a fairy tale, but I wish I’d learned this lesson before this girl. It was perfect in every moment with her before this. I’m going to try and keep it normal till next month. She even admitted yesterday she was expecting to leave London in a relationship with me until I told her again last weekend. This is after me admitting sleeping with the other girl a month ago. We’ve gone back to normalish, slept with each other twice last night, and strangely she seems to have gotten over an issue she had with struggling to be aroused physically, although she was mentally. This caused a bit of discomfort between us both.

The important thing for me to do now is try to forgive myself, so that we can both move on. I accept any decision she might make as I’m the one who messed up, but it’s just going to be a matter of waiting and time.