Thank you, I will take a look.

Anita, I still write and get paid, just not full-time. That year, I had a job which was writing. I worked incredibly hard with long hours and loved it. I was in an okay relationship, certainly not a great love, but I was happy. It was like everything finally came together for me, like life had finally begun. I woke up every day excited about what might happen. I think it was that enough things were going right, that I had hope for the future.

That lasted exactly one year.

The job changed, the relationship got difficult,then it was a series of crises for the next few years that sort of settled into a malaise. My life never recovered. I kept thinking I could be that happy and fulfilled again because I had it once upon a time. I don’t think my expectations were out of line, I just wanted a meaningful job that didn’t feel like slavery and a relationship with someone who cared as much as I did.

I never got those things again. I am left with the real possibility that I don’t have those things because I am incapable of being happy, or that it is not my path. If that is the case, I really don’t see a purpose to this life. I do try to help others and make their path easier, but even that seems rather pointless any more.

I just don’t get it.

I have spent my life being spiritually focused and I seem to be far more miserable than the people around me who are materialistic. I have not achieved any of my goals and I am unfulfilled, lonely and unhappy. I understand that this is no one’s fault but my own, I just want someone to please explain to me why.

Why is happiness seemingly impossible for some of us?

Why do some of us feel we are “not allowed” to have a good life?

I was born with them. I also just accept it. But I also have this feeling like I have no control over anything in my life, like there is a path before me and I must walk that path. That would be ok if it wasn’t such a miserable journey.

One is a connective tissue disorder that docs don’t really try and pin down because they only treat the symptoms. I have low vision as a result, having gone blind in the past, but now struggle with daily. I had experimental surgery. I can see, for now, and I am hoping to get stem cell surgery sometime in the future. Before my eyes went bad, I was an avid reader, I would read three books a week. Now it is just too much a strain. My eyes hurt all day, every day. It is what it is.

That is just one thing. That problem affects my spine, all my ligaments, etc. Like walking (something I enjoy), sometime results in bone dislocation in my feet.

I also have PCOS. That effects my hormones and metabolism. I used to be a vegetarian / vegan, but my doc made me go back to eating meat. I just don’t ever physically feel good and I never have. Not really.

I have some neurological issue, a defect in the cingulate in my brain. It is a tiny spot, the size of a pencil eraser. You know what happens? My brain gets literally stuck. LOL. I have had migraines my whole life and narcolepsy. My sleep is messed up. I also have chronic, low level, untreatable depression as a result.

I would really like to experience a sense of mastery over something, a feeling of success. I would like to go after something, work at it a reasonable amount and have it succeed. The pattern seems to be a situation where I make a heroic effort for way longer than should be necessary, and in the end I fail.

Life feels like a sentence. It isn’t necessarily bad, it just isn’t particularly happy. It lacks meaning and purpose.

Thanks for caring.