Hey!

Sorry for not writing these days, we had to do a lot of overtime and I only came home to sleep, but I am here and I was thinking about what you all have wrote.

Mark, the traits you wrote down apply to me, and I firmly belive in that you either attract the same or the complete opposite. Regarding the fixer part, I unfortunately noticed this in me in my previous relationship. Even though I knew that people rarely change, or mostly they just become a better versions of themselves I still wanted to make the relationship work, basically “fix” her. I tried to set a good example to her, because she was really selfish and a bad communicator (which I did not realise for like half a year). I thought that by setting a good example for her, which she never received, for a long enough time she will learn how great it is. I believed in this because I was really selfish back in the day and I did not even knew about it but I changed and keep on improving every day. I though this would happen to her too, even though deep down I knew that the chance for this is very slim.

A part of me fears closeness, which is true. I try to be the “unmoveable mountain” in my relationships. By this I mean that I am rarely pushed off my calm and centered manner, no matter how bad a situation is, I remain calm and objective, humorous and I try my best to solve it. Women love this because they seek this masculine presence, it makes them feel safe, no matter what happens I don’t lose my shit (in the end this did not applied, I was totally hopeless and broke). The downside of this is that I find it almost impossible to share my deeper self, because then they realise that I am not this “unmoveable mountain” but somebody who has confidence issues in certain parts of his life, who can be uncertain sometimes etc, whenever I tried to open up just a litle bit (I have to mention here that I was not walloving in my sorrows, but tried to keep it positive, explain how this helped to be the one I am today etc) I received nothing good. They mostly felt confused, or scared afterwards and I could see that they lost a bit of confidence in me, and it got to the point where I feel like it is pointless or impossible to open up. What you said about finding these types of girls so I can not be in a long term relationship could be true. Altough the reason I would say no is because when I found somebody like my ex who really moved me, I gave 120% to the relationship and loved every part of it. So I was motivated for it to last, I think it’s not the case here.

Barry, what you wrote really rang a bell in my head. I was thinking about this the other day, in most of my relationships people always told me that I deserve way better then who I date. I usually disregarded it, but I heard it so many times that it got me thinking and I realised that most of the people I dated were not “on the same level”. I am not trying to be harsh or be narcissistic. They were younger then me, less experienced, self esteem issues, less driven and all sorts of other traits were not so desirable in them, and I usually never realised this, only afterwards. This really came true with my previous girlfriend. She was still going to high school (she was 19, I was 21) when we became a couple and I was already working and had a university diploma. As harsh as it sounds it was not hard to impress her. I was working and had learned by experience all the stuff that guys her age don’t know. In some weird way while I was his boyfriend, I subcounciously tried to be his father that she never had a relationship with and she was the daughter taking no responsibilities. I know how screwed up this sounds. I was basically the one in charge and I liked that I felt “superior” in some sence. I only realised this now and I honestly feel really ashamed and guilty. I subcounciously looked for somebody who I could feel superior with and this is a horrible thing to do. I never felt confident with women who are equal level as me, I always thought I couldn’t be a man next to them, or they would see thought me, which is BS but I still feel this way for some odd reason.

Anita, I can’t really say much about this as I have not worked on myself this way, but I will think abou this and get back to you in 1-2 days.

Thank you for help again everybody, it makes me motivated to know that there are people out there who help complete strangers on the internet. Thank you.

Dear Anita,

1. By that I meant that my experience is that most people even they say they want the “bad boy/girl” they enjoy the thrill of their partner being a challenge to them. that things don’t come easy and they have to work to earn their respect and everything in their relationship. This is of course false because these things tend to not work on the lond run but I found that most people find a much stronger sexual chemistry when they have to work ata  relationship and not everything just falls into their lap. Even my previous girlfriend said this to me that it annoys her that I am not a “bad body” and I am not challenging, because “everything works perfectly fine and this is boring”. I think she meant what I desribed above in not so well communicated way.

2. It only occured to me when I was 20-21, when I started to came to them for guidance regarding relationships, intimacy. To me it seemed perfectly reasonable since hey, they have everything perfect so they could give me the best advice. Or so I thought. In mothers opinion it is completely normal that women want less sex and this was always the case in the world. Father wanted to have more but I think he repressed this in himself and found other ways to make himself feel important. He never cheated, in that I am sure. He focused on giving to his family, growing his business and this I think never got solved. They told me there were times when this question was sort of good, but mostly life got into the way. We never really saw this frustration at home. He mostly just told me about it privately. He said the same thing that it is normal that men want to have more sex and this is just the way things are and there is no use getting angry over it, although I saw the sadness and frustration on him when he told me this privately. So in short, father repressed it and foudn his joy in giving to his family and work, and mother was probably a bit frustrated because she felt like she can’t give to his husband as much as he want. We never really saw anything of this. I’ve only knowsn about this since like 3 years.