Hi Brandy

I know where your friend is coming from. I was in a relationship until quite recently where my partner was very indulgent with his children, and thought I should be the same with mine. It did cause problems for us and now I am on my own (again!) I feel much more free to manage my family relationships in a way that feels right for me.

My son and his father have a difficult relationship and his dad has always been more indulgent with him than I have been. Now neither of us are in a position where we have money to spare, and I think my son knows this but cannot seem to break out of this parental dependency.

My son also makes bad choices, like your friend’s. It is as if just when he seems to be getting things together he messes up, as if failure is easier for him to deal with than success, he is very like his father in this regard.

For a time I kept communication to a minimum too, and as long as I know he is well it is enough for me. The closeness we once shared is no longer possible, I have accepted that.

I hope your friend finds her way through this too- it is incredibly difficult but love finds unexpected and surprising ways if we let it. I love my son and I’m hopeful all will be well.  Thank you.

Hi Brandy

Thank-you so much for your kind words.

I learned a long time ago to ignore the opinions of others as regards parenting, as well as lots of other things I may have done which have caused disapproval (too much to say here, although I have never broken the law ha ha!) my life has taken a somewhat unconventional path. I have a lot of support from friends and family who know the struggles I have had both with my marriage and my children, but the criticism mostly comes from my own self.

I did lots of things wrong- trying to treat both children the same was my first mistake- not dealing with the trauma after the marriage break-up- not helping my son see through his grief when his cousin died- are just a few of the big ones. I can now see where I did not understand my son’s weaknesses and help him to work through it- now he is a dysfunctional adult and I veer between thinking it is all my fault, to believing it is now his fault- but the truth surely lies somewhere in between. I don’t like to play the blame game. I want to see clearly how to move through this.

He has some mental health problems and is deeply distrustful of any medical professionals- at times I made appointments for him but have given up, as he tells me that professionals say there is nothing wrong with him, therefore making out it is me that is at fault thinking he has problems. My son never or rarely apologises or thanks me- he only tells me he loves me when he needs something, which is what teenagers do, but my son is now an adult.

I need to know how to keep communicating with him without opening myself up to hurt, and I think this is the issue. I am seeking ways to re-open the dialogue without falling back into old patterns. If I try to suggest help he gets angry and I can’t deal with that and tend to walk away. The last time this happened I stayed with him but his tirade then got out of hand and I walked out anyway. I will not open myself up to verbal abuse- I don’t give it so don’t expect it back. I am a classic conflict avoider.

I will try to frame a short message to him today- maybe along the lines of if there’s anything that’s bothering him I’d like to help, but that I can’t keep doing the same things anymore. Maybe I need to be more honest about not wanting him to say hurtful things either, as I am only wanting good things for him, something I haven’t really done before. I would really like to dispense with the whole mother/son dynamic and just become a person talking to another person without all that other parent/child stuff in the way.

Thanks again for letting me sound off about this- it is making a difference.