Dear Des,

It takes a lot of guts to admit our weaknesses, even the ugly ones.

I know it is not what people like to hear, but you really do have to start with yourself. You want to bring a healed self, your own self that you love yourself–you want to bring THAT person to any future relationship.

But this kind of journey and work–to heal and be with oneself–takes more patience than most people are willing for. They would rather get in the rush of a relationship and go through that drama and break themselves and the other person more.

But maybe you are up for it now? The journey of self love and self healing?

Let the woman go, bless her, but let her go.

Respect
~Jennifer

Dear artful,

I loved hearing about what you chose to do for him. That’s just beautiful. I wish you both many blessings.

Jennifer

Dear tiiiny,

Just like when you break a leg, or something like that, even if you do every thing right (get a cast, get some rest), it still hurts for a while and takes time to heal.

Even more so our heart. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help yourself (That’s awesome, you are very wise!). But it is just going to take time. Grieve and cry when you feel like it. Laugh when you feel like it. Neither is wrong. It just is.

A broken heart is the lot of every man or woman, from some reason or other. Welcome to the club.

*big hugs*
Jennifer

Dear carolyn,

I totally get how it would make sense for him to ask you instead of ripping open.

However, I think that one incident is a small symptom of some much deeper things–of course, as you have shared. So, in that sense, let the incident go, and really find a way to get to the bottom of your relationship.

Oddly enough, I suggest you begin with yourself. You do have to know yourself and heal yourself before you can be the best YOU to bring to a relationship and see clearly enough as to what is really going on. The tough thing is that many times, as women we find ourselves in unequal yokes with our men, even if the problems don’t seem to rise to divorce level. But it’s just years of quiet misery, and we don’t actually have a partner who will help us move forward.

But we can’t wait for the other person, even in a marriage. Find YOU; find your contentedness; find YOUR boundaries; do YOUR healing work. Don’t wait for him. Just be as benevolent and merciful to him as you can, and meanwhile love yourself more than anyone you know loves you, including your husband. He may not ‘come around’, ever, but still, your rising to a new level of being you is going to have a good influence on him. You’ll learn skills of how to help with your in-laws too.

No magic wand. Lots of day-in-and-out practice. But the good news is you don’t have to wait for them to ‘grow up’. You can find you, without their permission or participation.

Once you are healed as yourself, you’ll see more clearly what is needed in your marriage.

I wish you the best. Soooo not easy.

Been there,
~Jennifer

Dear greenshade,

Here are the first basics to know about boundary:

You have a boundary. (Your Self has a boundary.)

The root of suffering is an impaired boundary. If you are suffering (especially on an endless, depthless basis), you have an impaired boundary.

An impaired boundary means impaired safety and protection. An impaired boundary means impaired intimacy.

The two main functions of a healthy, Intact Boundary is 1) your boundary protects you; and 2) your boundary facilitates intimacy with other beings.

When you repair your boundary, you restore your safety. When you restore your safety, you will live in the state of Trust, which is THE state of wholeness and healing.

Also–if boundary is about protecting yourself, then it’s important to value yourself. Otherwise you won’t believe that there is anything worth protecting. A person who has chosen to know that they are precious will handle their boundary much differently than one who is choosing to discard or undervalue themselves. You get to be a safe, acknowledged, strong, healthy, fully realized, sacred, Here Self. You get to be you. And an intact boundary will ensure that.

Going forward from these basic ideas would be step by step work. But like someone already mentioned, one way to think of boundary is to know where your ‘yes’es and your ‘no’s go in healthy life. A lot of people have them mixed up–saying no, when they should say yes; saying yes, when they should say no.

I wish you the best. Research on boundary. It could be one of the most important things you do.

Respect
~Jennifer

Dear Prashanth,

Thank you for sharing the mountain of evidence you have gathered that support the conclusion(s) you have made about life and of yourself. I’m sad for you, dear. These are sad stories. It’s okay to be sad about it.

However . . . would you like to come to another conclusion? YES!! Ha ha. Let’s get started. To come to another conclusion, then start gathering evidence that supports the conclusion you would prefer!! Write out the conclusion you want to come to about yourself, and then start writing down even the tiniest thing that happens that looks like it might be the tiniest evidence toward that conclusion.

Another thing you might enjoy . . . answer this question . . . how is it that you would like to bless the world? Would you like to help children, the hungry, animals? Is there some cause you care about? Or some kind of healing or service you care about? Begin taking steps to live that service life. You will soon be having a lot of fun and going to bed each night satisfied.

Thanks again for sharing, that took guts.
~Jennifer

Dear hev,

Self love is a little tricky. I spent most of my life hating myself deeply. When I made a decision to start loving myself (because the hate was killing me), I first tried to do a lot of ‘activities’ that if I accomplished them, I hoped would constitute my self love. It was okay, but I still didn’t respect myself really.

It wasn’t until I made it really simple and easy that I started to understand. I started by saying ‘Hi’ to myself. “How you doing today, Jenn?” I asked myself. “Crappy,” I replied. “I hear you,” I comforted myself. I couldn’t begin with ‘love’ (too much), so I started with a truce! ha ha. I started to give myself a bit of a break even though I couldn’t manage full love.

As far as your body, yes, it’s not easy. But with that I started to respect my body, not for how it looked (too much to start with), but with what it had been through and what it had done for me. It was an awesome, tough body that helped me a lot and protected me! So I started by acknowledging that.

It was hard at first to love myself, because it was unfamiliar territory. But once I got used to it, I couldn’t go back to the hate, because I–well, I didn’t have to, and I had found out I didn’t have to.

I wish you the best in your healing to love yourself and to be open to a great relationship in the future.
~Jennifer

Dear Samira,

This is a hard spot in your life. It doesn’t feel good to get dis-entwined from someone’s energy, when you have been entwined for so long. You do need to cry and scream.

But, after that, then . . . you need to look up. Get up. Unbend from your despair. Get tough. Breathe again. I invite you to respect yourself a great deal, and go on a personal journey. Continue your higher education, and see where that takes you. I think that could be great for you.

As someone said, we all know the pain of losing love. Sometimes you just have to keep riding the boat down the current of the river and see what else beautiful is up ahead. As a young person, it may seem like he is the ‘only one’ and that this heartbreak is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. You get my age, and you realize that the good and the bad keep coming around–both. The bad comes. But the good comes, too. There will be more joy ahead, if you let it. Look up, sweetie.
~Jennifer