Dear Kaushambi,

Your story sounds like my own. I am a gentle, conflict-avoidant person by nature. Conflict makes me uncomfortable and I am very sensitive to others feelings, and often take great care with them. And like you, I used to find people who are authoritative and outspoken pretty intimidating. To soothe you, this is a common experience for people like us in college. We were often raised in families where people are very aware of emotions, and then for the first time we meet people who were not raised like us. Here is what I learned:

I was in a very similar situation with a past friend. She and I didn’t remain friends- our relationship ultimately fell apart. But I learned a LOT from her. Not everyone is quiet, sweet, and peace-loving. And that’s a good thing in our world. If everyone avoided conflict, things would never change for the better. Even though I found her intimidating, I admired my friend’s self-confidence and ability to speak her mind. But I also saw that sometimes she was too harsh. I learned from her how to express myself more and not stay quiet all the time, which grew my confidence. I learned from my experiences with my ex-friend that moving toward conflict and confrontation in a COMPASSIONATE way is the key to creating change in relationships.

I would talk to your roommate before you jump to conclusions about what she thinks about you. Maybe she is just not very good at giving gentle constructive criticism. Maybe she is trying to appear professional and business-like for your project, because she feels the need to be a leader. Especially if your friend is thick-skinned and handles criticism well, maybe she thinks this is normal behavior and doesn’t realize how much her condescending tone and her words are hurting you. The fact that she continues asking for your opinion tells me that in general, she does value your ideas and input, otherwise she wouldn’t take the time to ask.

Think of it this way: by staying silent, you actually are not following your peace-loving nature. You are allowing this conflict to perpetuate, and even worsen. If it was going away, you would feel better in your heart, instead of feeling upset and watching your self-esteem plummet. You cannot control your friend; but you do have control over your own actions, and your actions have the power to influence this situation. You may be a victim of both condescension AND insecurities, but you do not have to STAY a victim.

Have a conversation with her. She seems to value honesty- tell her you want to be honest with her. Use your personal skills of empathy and understanding, but also let her know that you are hurt and offended by her actions. Focus on being honest about your feelings, not on blaming her. Be cautious to avoid passive-aggressiveness (something we ‘gentle’ people are very good at). Suggest a fair solution.

This is a very mature, compassionate approach. If she can’t handle it, and she ends up blaming everything on you rather than taking credit for her faults, then you know that the problem is with her and not you. If she can handle it and you guys work through your differences, then congrats on learning a new way to keep the peace.

– Jessa

You’re welcome, Inkrid.

That feeling of overwhelming sadness for what could have and should have been when you try to take care of yourself- I think that is the sense of loss I was talking about. Maybe trying to take care of yourself reminds you of that loss enough to bring up the feelings of grief. Grief is a funny thing. We only talk about grief when we lose something physical in this culture, but that’s not really how it works. Human beings can feel a sense of loss over many things, especially something we know that we could have had/needed a lot in our childhood.

On the one hand, I’m sorry it hurts. If you’re feeling a little nuts for grieving when you try to take care of yourself, you don’t need to. I do counseling work and this is actually a very common feeling for people who have had absent parents. There are ‘stages’ or ‘components’ of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance, and moving forward (not always in that order). You can look it up if you like, but I guess my biggest message for you is that, as conflicted as your feelings might be, it’s okay to give yourself permission to feel all of them. None of them will last forever, but they will get stuck if you keep them trapped inside and don’t acknowledge them. On the other hand, I am glad you have feelings of anger, humiliation & disappointment. These are a natural reaction to something unfair that happened in your life, and it means that a part of you knows that you deserved better.

My two cents is that this is a situation where processing your own emotions will bring you the most relief. You can’t erase what’s already happened, and you can’t 100% control the future, but you can address your own feelings in the present. I think if you process those emotions first, then whatever decisions you make might have more meaning for you.

This is just my outside perspective, so feel free to take what fits and leave the rest. I hope things work out well for you.

-Jessa

Hi Skye,

You will not be stuck forever if you keep trying. Your inner gremlins are trying to get you to believe that, but it isn’t true. All transformation takes time. Tadpoles don’t become frogs and caterpillars don’t become butterflies in a day. As for your daughter, kids love watching transformations! How valuable will it be, for her to see that someone can struggle with challenges and still overcome them? How fascinating will it be for her to notice that mom is becoming calmer, more content, she laughs more easily day by day. You are not a bad mom for needing perfectly appropriate time for a transformation. It might be scary to be so vulnerable in front of her, but it is a huge opportunity for her to watch you go through your transformation while she is young, so that she knows she can do the same someday.

Metta Meditation and Mindfulness Meditation both helped me with that transformation too. These types help specifically to deal with strong emotions, intense beliefs about self-worth, and changing from obsessing on pain to accepting one’s current place in life and working towards a new one. Therapy is a great choice too- a combination of therapy and meditation helped me finally reach a place of peace when I felt trapped in chaos.

Mindfulness Meditation is all about awareness, nonjudgment, acceptance, and action. You become aware of the thought/emotion/issue that is upsetting you. Then you regard that thing without judging it. Anger? Neither good nor bad. It simply is an emotion. I hurt other people when I’m angry? Okay. This is how it is right now. I accept that I feel these things and don’t judge myself as good or bad because of them. I just recognize that they are present in my life, which makes me pretty human. Okay. Now that I am aware of the anger and have no judgment swaying my decisions, what are my options? Right now, in this moment, how would I like to deal with this anger?

Metta Meditation is about the reciprocal link between self and universal love. Traditional Metta starts by turning inward and focusing on love, acceptance and compassion for oneself. Once you feel a sense of calm and fulfillment, then you steadily extend that love outward to your own loved ones, your aquaintances, your community, the world, and those who you hate or judge. Some people with low self-worth find it easier to start backward and see how close they can bring love to themselves before struggling or hitting a wall. Understanding why the wall is there can help you gently deconstruct it and bring the love inside where it also belongs.

-Jessa

Hi Bruce,

I’m sorry to hear about both your previous relationship, and this fiasco with the mysterious texter. I can see how that would have made things come flooding back for you. I hear a lot of patience and compassion in you for someone who was or came very close to being taken advantage of. I guess first, I’d just encourage you that there is enough room for both your compassion, and any upset feelings you have about the experience.

This experience with the texter will probably fade with time, but it sounds like the deeper issue is some wounds left by the relationship you recently got out of. It’s normal to feel insecure, hurt, unwanted, rejected, or even like no one may love you again after ending a relationship. It’s part of the pain of realizing that something you cared about just didn’t work out. If you’ve given yourself a chance to feel and accept those feelings and they are still lasting, some therapy might help, especially if your relationship was truly co-dependent. I’ve been there too. The mental and emotional trap of low self-esteem that you get sucked into is just terrible, but it doesn’t have to last or define you forever.

I get the yearning to have someone, anyone, approve of you and validate that you are a loveable person. Let’s be honest. Everyone wants to be wanted, loved, cared about, no matter how independent they are. There’s nothing wrong with that. The only way it is hurtful is if you let others’ reactions determine how you value yourself. Just because there is not a romantic partner loving you right now doesn’t mean that you are unlovable or unworthy of love. What worked for me was striking a balance between accepting my longing for connection, and focusing on loving myself instead of hoping others would do it for me. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but it does get easier with time. It’s no fun to feel alone but if you have other healthy loved ones in your life, maybe lean on them for support too.

I hope this helps. You’ll get through this with time.
Sending you some mental rays of kindness,
Jessa

Hi Michelle,

Isn’t it so anxiety-provoking to post something? I made my first post the other day, and had a hard time not rushing back to check it for replies. But don’t worry, your post has not been up for very long and you may get more replies still. Even if you don’t, though, it’s not a reflection of you. Whether people reply or not has a lot more to do with them and their thoughts/feelings on the subject, not your worth as a person.

It sounds like you have so many dark thoughts and feelings swirling around inside your head, and I know how awful that feels. I struggle with anxiety and depression too. I’m sorry for the losses of your friends and the time away from your family in rehab; 4 months is a long time to be away. It must have taken a lot of courage and personal effort to stay and get well. The other suggestions weren’t given very gently, but finding some kind of a support system can be so steadying. If AA is a trigger for you, maybe individual therapy with someone who has experience in addiction counseling would be more helpful. Someone you can talk to and get some support from.

Remember, no matter how bad things are right now, suffering is temporary and universal. Your suffering is a part of human experience; it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad or worthless human. Remember the things you learned in rehab, seek love and support from healthy people and places, and spend time giving tender love and care to your spirit. You, and your future life with your sons, are always worth choosing self-care over alcohol. You deserve anything that makes you feel good AND is good for you, be it journaling, warm baths, calling a friend, a cup of hot cocoa, your favorite movie, going to therapy or a support group, yoga, whatever.

Special prayers for you,
Jessa