fbpx
Menu

Jessa

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 11 posts - 16 through 26 (of 26 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: A confused undergrad. #66915
    Jessa
    Participant

    Hey Luna, here’s my brief two cents:

    Especially if you’re intelligent and multi-talented, picking a field can be hard. Try taking a few online career tests. Sounds cheesy, but they can be a great guide if you’re indecisive. This question below might also help you. These are common motivators for WHY people actually want to work, instead of sitting on the couch at home. If you can rank them from most to least important, it will help guide you toward a field that is likely to be a good long-term choice. If you can find a career that fits your top two, bingo! You could also try working backwards: picture your dream job(s), do some research on what they are really like, and then figure out what degree you need to get there.

    What is most important to you in your work?
    a) Feeling fulfilled and truly enjoying what I do.
    b) Honoring my family’s wishes and carrying on their legacy.
    c) Making plenty of money and having financial security.
    d) Contributing to the world and making it a better place.

    You sound like a hard worker, so I’m sure you know that any career takes work. Any career will also give you burnout if you let it define you and take up all your time. There’s a lot more to you than your chosen field- especially since you could be good at so many things! Schedule time for friends and hobbies. And remember that hobbies and clubs are a great way to stay in touch with both people and passions outside your career. I will never be a professional baker, but I whip up cupcakes and pies every opportunity I get just because I love doing it. My friend was a psych major, but she went to multicultural hour and TA’d for Spanish classes just because she enjoyed it. Picking a major doesn’t mean you have to give up your other interests.

    – Jessa

    in reply to: A victim of condescension or insecurities? #66914
    Jessa
    Participant

    Dear Kaushambi,

    Your story sounds like my own. I am a gentle, conflict-avoidant person by nature. Conflict makes me uncomfortable and I am very sensitive to others feelings, and often take great care with them. And like you, I used to find people who are authoritative and outspoken pretty intimidating. To soothe you, this is a common experience for people like us in college. We were often raised in families where people are very aware of emotions, and then for the first time we meet people who were not raised like us. Here is what I learned:

    I was in a very similar situation with a past friend. She and I didn’t remain friends- our relationship ultimately fell apart. But I learned a LOT from her. Not everyone is quiet, sweet, and peace-loving. And that’s a good thing in our world. If everyone avoided conflict, things would never change for the better. Even though I found her intimidating, I admired my friend’s self-confidence and ability to speak her mind. But I also saw that sometimes she was too harsh. I learned from her how to express myself more and not stay quiet all the time, which grew my confidence. I learned from my experiences with my ex-friend that moving toward conflict and confrontation in a COMPASSIONATE way is the key to creating change in relationships.

    I would talk to your roommate before you jump to conclusions about what she thinks about you. Maybe she is just not very good at giving gentle constructive criticism. Maybe she is trying to appear professional and business-like for your project, because she feels the need to be a leader. Especially if your friend is thick-skinned and handles criticism well, maybe she thinks this is normal behavior and doesn’t realize how much her condescending tone and her words are hurting you. The fact that she continues asking for your opinion tells me that in general, she does value your ideas and input, otherwise she wouldn’t take the time to ask.

    Think of it this way: by staying silent, you actually are not following your peace-loving nature. You are allowing this conflict to perpetuate, and even worsen. If it was going away, you would feel better in your heart, instead of feeling upset and watching your self-esteem plummet. You cannot control your friend; but you do have control over your own actions, and your actions have the power to influence this situation. You may be a victim of both condescension AND insecurities, but you do not have to STAY a victim.

    Have a conversation with her. She seems to value honesty- tell her you want to be honest with her. Use your personal skills of empathy and understanding, but also let her know that you are hurt and offended by her actions. Focus on being honest about your feelings, not on blaming her. Be cautious to avoid passive-aggressiveness (something we ‘gentle’ people are very good at). Suggest a fair solution.

    This is a very mature, compassionate approach. If she can’t handle it, and she ends up blaming everything on you rather than taking credit for her faults, then you know that the problem is with her and not you. If she can handle it and you guys work through your differences, then congrats on learning a new way to keep the peace.

    – Jessa

    Jessa
    Participant

    Hi Rozay,

    This is just a thought, but it sounds like there are two elements you enjoy with your hobbies:
    a) engaging in the actual activity, because you yourself find it fun/interesting/relaxing/fulfilling/enjoyable/whatever
    b) sharing the experience of doing the hobby with others, by doing the activity together, talking about it, sharing the results, critiquing each others’ work, learning together, etc.

    So here’s the thing. Being comfortable being on your own, and loving yourself, are two different things.

    Maybe you are simply more extroverted, meaning you gain energy and feel revitalized from spending time with others. In this case it would make sense that a person feels that they love him/herself and have fairly good self esteem, but also feel very uncomfortable being alone most of the time. Whereas introverts tend to treasure their alone time and thrill at getting to be absorbed by a hobby with no one to distract them, extroverts are more likely to treasure sharing their hobbies and passions with like-minded people that want to socialize about them.

    If you’re already hard on yourself and you’ve recently lost a job, a home, and some relationships, no wonder your self-esteem would be taking a hit! But this one string of rotten experiences doesn’t mean you’re a failure as a person. If you can’t help but look back, don’t forget to see all your past successes while you’re at it. You’re only 26 and you’ve had relationships, moved to new places, worked hard at a career, taken your health seriously, and focused on developing and learning about yourself as an individual. Life is a mixed bag of experiences, but you are the one who gets to decide how they will shape you, and those decisions say more about who you are than your experiences.

    Would things have been different with a girlfriend? Who knows. They could have been worse, depending on what that relationship was like. Wanting friendships, romantic love, and the respect of family doesn’t make you pathetic. It makes you human. If you feel that you are ready to start dating and looking for friends, go for it. If you’ve got some serious concerns about your self-esteem and want to work on that first, go for that. You could even balance both; maybe join a hobby group for something you’re interested in. You sound pretty insightful and competent- just a little lacking in confidence right now.

    My one piece of advice is, try approaching new relationships and interactions with people without any expectations. Try to just focus on the experience, without judging it as good/bad, enough/not enough. Remember that the other person’s reaction isn’t always a reflection of what you do, what you say, or who you are. There are a lot of factors in play, most of them not in your control. When I’m feeling like a failure, it’s easy to think people might reject me because I’m somehow not good enough. Remembering these things really helped me put my self-worth back in my own hands, instead of giving it up to others.

    That was super long, hope it was helpful too! 🙂

    in reply to: Daddy Issues #55936
    Jessa
    Participant

    You’re welcome, Inkrid.

    That feeling of overwhelming sadness for what could have and should have been when you try to take care of yourself- I think that is the sense of loss I was talking about. Maybe trying to take care of yourself reminds you of that loss enough to bring up the feelings of grief. Grief is a funny thing. We only talk about grief when we lose something physical in this culture, but that’s not really how it works. Human beings can feel a sense of loss over many things, especially something we know that we could have had/needed a lot in our childhood.

    On the one hand, I’m sorry it hurts. If you’re feeling a little nuts for grieving when you try to take care of yourself, you don’t need to. I do counseling work and this is actually a very common feeling for people who have had absent parents. There are ‘stages’ or ‘components’ of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance, and moving forward (not always in that order). You can look it up if you like, but I guess my biggest message for you is that, as conflicted as your feelings might be, it’s okay to give yourself permission to feel all of them. None of them will last forever, but they will get stuck if you keep them trapped inside and don’t acknowledge them. On the other hand, I am glad you have feelings of anger, humiliation & disappointment. These are a natural reaction to something unfair that happened in your life, and it means that a part of you knows that you deserved better.

    My two cents is that this is a situation where processing your own emotions will bring you the most relief. You can’t erase what’s already happened, and you can’t 100% control the future, but you can address your own feelings in the present. I think if you process those emotions first, then whatever decisions you make might have more meaning for you.

    This is just my outside perspective, so feel free to take what fits and leave the rest. I hope things work out well for you.

    -Jessa

    in reply to: Daddy Issues #55868
    Jessa
    Participant

    Hi Inkrid 🙂

    I have a pretty straightforward reply, just to warn you. The first part could be a little tough (not sure how you’ll take it, but hang in there until the end).

    Frankly, I think the first thing I would do is be sad. It sounds like you may not have a lot of outright fighting with him, but he still hasn’t been there for you when you needed him. Maybe in a financial sense, but not in an emotionally or relationally supportive way. I sense at least a little bit of anger toward him in your post. You don’t have to express those feelings toward him if you don’t want to, but I encourage you to give yourself permission to feel them all the way before you do anything else. You don’t have to act on them, just feel them and accept they are there.

    The reason for this is that admitting to yourself that a parent hasn’t really been there for you is a loss, even if you might not be losing the physical person. To admit this is also to admit that he may not change anytime soon, and no matter what you do you can’t control that. He will have to make some choices for himself to engage in the relationship. Letting go of that responsibility is freeing, but it can feel like a loss at the same time because you are giving up the expectation of him being there for you in that way.

    Once you’ve released yourself from trying to control his end of things, you can make some decisions for yourself.The other thing I hear in your words is a lot of understanding for him and his situation. It probably is hard for him to reach out and connect if he feels like people are only interested in him for his money. I wonder if this has held you back from expressing your needs to him? You can’t control his reaction, but you can make the choice to tell him what you need and then leave it up to him. Given the family dynamics, will you make a choice about whether or not to recieve any money from him? Will you let him know what you need emotionally from him, or keep quiet for now? Will you keep trying to contact him for now, or explain to him how taxing it is an let him know that if he doesn’t reach out too you can’t keep doing this? Will you let him know why his relationship is so important to you? Will you cut him off, or leave the door open for him to contact you in the future? These are some questions to ask yourself.

    I hope some of this helps. Whatever happens, you’re worth a parent’s love. Sometimes parents just have their own issues and are kind of clueless on how to give it. I would focus on giving yourself some of that nurturance first, rather than looking for it in someone else. You know yourself better than anyone; who better to love you than you?

    Warm prayers for you and your family,
    Jessa

    Jessa
    Participant

    Hi Skye,

    You will not be stuck forever if you keep trying. Your inner gremlins are trying to get you to believe that, but it isn’t true. All transformation takes time. Tadpoles don’t become frogs and caterpillars don’t become butterflies in a day. As for your daughter, kids love watching transformations! How valuable will it be, for her to see that someone can struggle with challenges and still overcome them? How fascinating will it be for her to notice that mom is becoming calmer, more content, she laughs more easily day by day. You are not a bad mom for needing perfectly appropriate time for a transformation. It might be scary to be so vulnerable in front of her, but it is a huge opportunity for her to watch you go through your transformation while she is young, so that she knows she can do the same someday.

    Metta Meditation and Mindfulness Meditation both helped me with that transformation too. These types help specifically to deal with strong emotions, intense beliefs about self-worth, and changing from obsessing on pain to accepting one’s current place in life and working towards a new one. Therapy is a great choice too- a combination of therapy and meditation helped me finally reach a place of peace when I felt trapped in chaos.

    Mindfulness Meditation is all about awareness, nonjudgment, acceptance, and action. You become aware of the thought/emotion/issue that is upsetting you. Then you regard that thing without judging it. Anger? Neither good nor bad. It simply is an emotion. I hurt other people when I’m angry? Okay. This is how it is right now. I accept that I feel these things and don’t judge myself as good or bad because of them. I just recognize that they are present in my life, which makes me pretty human. Okay. Now that I am aware of the anger and have no judgment swaying my decisions, what are my options? Right now, in this moment, how would I like to deal with this anger?

    Metta Meditation is about the reciprocal link between self and universal love. Traditional Metta starts by turning inward and focusing on love, acceptance and compassion for oneself. Once you feel a sense of calm and fulfillment, then you steadily extend that love outward to your own loved ones, your aquaintances, your community, the world, and those who you hate or judge. Some people with low self-worth find it easier to start backward and see how close they can bring love to themselves before struggling or hitting a wall. Understanding why the wall is there can help you gently deconstruct it and bring the love inside where it also belongs.

    -Jessa

    in reply to: When to give up on potential friendships? #55758
    Jessa
    Participant

    Hi Moongal,

    Thank you for your thoughtful response. It has really made me think.

    If I’m honest, I guess I know that I send confusing signals to people. They don’t understand why I can be warm one day and then isolated and shut off the next. I just don’t know what else to do.

    You’re right about my self-worth. I have come a very long way in the last year, and probably love and accept myself more than I have in years, but relationships still especially bring out that insecurity for me. Pulling back is a way of protecting myself from the hurt that happens when I realize the other person just isn’t as invested as I am. Often that imbalance isn’t even their fault. Because of my anxiety and fear about making connections, I kind of start with a handicap. Something like saying hello or asking to spend a few minutes with someone I like used to give me panic attacks. When it takes enormous effort just to do the basics, it’s easy to feel perpetually unappreciated. Instead of realizing that being openly social might have been the hardest thing I did that day, people just wonder why I was awkward and left so quickly.

    Some of my nicest connections lately have happened with people I haven’t had any expectations for. Maybe I can focus more on just having that genuine interest and enjoyment of getting to know people. I’m still confused about where that leaves me with my needs (hope that doesn’t sound selfish) but I feel happier anyway when I’m focused on the other person and not how they may be failing to meet my needs or desires.

    I’ll keep thinking about this for a while. Thanks again and have a lovely weekend 🙂
    Jessa

    P.S. I like your flower avatar, it’s pretty.

    in reply to: On the verge of being "Catfished"… #55414
    Jessa
    Participant

    Hi Bruce,

    I’m sorry to hear about both your previous relationship, and this fiasco with the mysterious texter. I can see how that would have made things come flooding back for you. I hear a lot of patience and compassion in you for someone who was or came very close to being taken advantage of. I guess first, I’d just encourage you that there is enough room for both your compassion, and any upset feelings you have about the experience.

    This experience with the texter will probably fade with time, but it sounds like the deeper issue is some wounds left by the relationship you recently got out of. It’s normal to feel insecure, hurt, unwanted, rejected, or even like no one may love you again after ending a relationship. It’s part of the pain of realizing that something you cared about just didn’t work out. If you’ve given yourself a chance to feel and accept those feelings and they are still lasting, some therapy might help, especially if your relationship was truly co-dependent. I’ve been there too. The mental and emotional trap of low self-esteem that you get sucked into is just terrible, but it doesn’t have to last or define you forever.

    I get the yearning to have someone, anyone, approve of you and validate that you are a loveable person. Let’s be honest. Everyone wants to be wanted, loved, cared about, no matter how independent they are. There’s nothing wrong with that. The only way it is hurtful is if you let others’ reactions determine how you value yourself. Just because there is not a romantic partner loving you right now doesn’t mean that you are unlovable or unworthy of love. What worked for me was striking a balance between accepting my longing for connection, and focusing on loving myself instead of hoping others would do it for me. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but it does get easier with time. It’s no fun to feel alone but if you have other healthy loved ones in your life, maybe lean on them for support too.

    I hope this helps. You’ll get through this with time.
    Sending you some mental rays of kindness,
    Jessa

    in reply to: Ashamed of my envy #50804
    Jessa
    Participant

    Dear Mark & Anyone,

    Thank you for your kindness and insight. Insecurity and self-judgement are definitely two of my more dedicated demons; they seem to love my company.

    Mark, your normalizing was very compassionate and helped me lessen that sting of self-judgement. Thank you for reminding me that there’s a natural need underlying this. I used to do metta meditation, but fell out of practice a few months ago during an especially low and self-loathing period. Time to start doing that for myself again.

    Anyone, thanks for the reality check. I’m wary of being taken advantage of, and definitely don’t want that to happen. I know I am worthy without his approval or liking, and I’m certainly not weak (sensitive, maybe, but not weak). As for WHY I want it so badly, I’ll have to explore that some more. Maybe I’ll find some direction in answering that question.

    Peace,
    Jessa

    in reply to: Getting back on my feet #50727
    Jessa
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    Isn’t it so anxiety-provoking to post something? I made my first post the other day, and had a hard time not rushing back to check it for replies. But don’t worry, your post has not been up for very long and you may get more replies still. Even if you don’t, though, it’s not a reflection of you. Whether people reply or not has a lot more to do with them and their thoughts/feelings on the subject, not your worth as a person.

    It sounds like you have so many dark thoughts and feelings swirling around inside your head, and I know how awful that feels. I struggle with anxiety and depression too. I’m sorry for the losses of your friends and the time away from your family in rehab; 4 months is a long time to be away. It must have taken a lot of courage and personal effort to stay and get well. The other suggestions weren’t given very gently, but finding some kind of a support system can be so steadying. If AA is a trigger for you, maybe individual therapy with someone who has experience in addiction counseling would be more helpful. Someone you can talk to and get some support from.

    Remember, no matter how bad things are right now, suffering is temporary and universal. Your suffering is a part of human experience; it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad or worthless human. Remember the things you learned in rehab, seek love and support from healthy people and places, and spend time giving tender love and care to your spirit. You, and your future life with your sons, are always worth choosing self-care over alcohol. You deserve anything that makes you feel good AND is good for you, be it journaling, warm baths, calling a friend, a cup of hot cocoa, your favorite movie, going to therapy or a support group, yoga, whatever.

    Special prayers for you,
    Jessa

    in reply to: Can't Share Myself #50464
    Jessa
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply, Annie! I really appreciate the example you shared, because that’s exactly the kind of thing I might keep to myself. I get caught up in worry over whether what I say will be amusing or interesting to the other person, and don’t just let myself be in the moment. Maybe I should spend more time focusing on what I enjoy and am grateful about in that person and the conversation, and that will make it easier. I guess it will just take some practice. When I do have moments like that though, I also sort of brush it off quickly and assume that whatever I said really had little value or impact for the other person. Any other ideas on how I can get out of my own way are appreciated!

Viewing 11 posts - 16 through 26 (of 26 total)