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Jack

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  • May 20, 2025 at 3:27 pm in reply to: Don’t know whether to reconcile with ex or seek new relationships. #445952
    Jack
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    I’d definitley say that I feel like I was emotionally neglected as a child. My house prioritised peace over solving conflicts, and my father was an incredibly emotionally absent person. I learned pretty quickly that any issues or emotional problems that I had were not going to be solved by him. So I learned not to talk about my emotions at all. If I ever did, I got the silent treatment, or I was treated like my feelings were too much. I was often gaslit to feel like I was crazy – my family is the type to prioritise peace over genuinely solving a conflict. It’s why I have communication issues to this day – I wasn’t raised with conflict-solving skills. It’s also why I’m unconfident with my emotions – they’ve never been validated I guess. I’ve had far more instances in my life where my emotions were “wrong” than “right”.

    May 20, 2025 at 11:10 am in reply to: Don’t know whether to reconcile with ex or seek new relationships. #445933
    Jack
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    Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I’ve been sitting on the thought and discussing it with friends and my therapist.

    In a session with my therapist, we had a sit-down and discussed the pros and cons of a) reconciling with my ex, and b) exploring my options with other people.

    What I discovered is that there are healthy reasons that I want to reconcile with my ex. I think that there’s a great opportunity there for me to use what I’ve learned to be a more loving partner; to learn from my past and grow emotionally with someone I truly care about. I would love to learn to be more vulnerable and present and honest with someone, and I’d be happy do it with her.

    I also discovered that casual dating and sex isn’t something I really want. What I want is to feel self-actualised and part of a communtity. I believe that I thought casual dating and sex would be neccessarily intimate and connect me emotionally with more people. I think I inherently believe(d) that things like emotional intimacy can’t exist outside of a romantic or sexual relationships, and I don’t think that has to be true. I don’t want it to be true at least, and so I’m going to try and live more intimately and in community, as I think I am lacking that a great deal.

    To that end, I do not want to casually date or have casual sex with anybody. I think I know that.

    So I think I do want to get back with my ex. I still hesitate – I hesitate with all huge decisions I make partly out of a fear of what I don’t know, or a fear that all of my feelings are incorrect and I will make a wrong decision.

    All I know for sure – what I am absolutely certain of – is that I want to be the type of person who has self-love. Where love comes first from me, and then others. In my relationship with my ex, it was quite codependent. I gave up many of my hobbies, stopped trying new things, stopped trying so much with my friends. I spent a lot of time caring for her (even though she didn’t ask). When she was sad, it made me sad. When she was happy, it made me happy. I didn’t exist outside or seperately from her. If we try things again, THAT has to be different. Love has to be mine for myself first.

    I know that is possible for me to strive for single. I think it’s also possible for me to grow like that in a relationship too. So I just have to decide on one thing now – do I want to be back with my ex at all?

    April 28, 2025 at 1:14 pm in reply to: Don’t know whether to reconcile with ex or seek new relationships. #445192
    Jack
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    I would say that the feeling of guilt is definitley present. The scenario I described – breaking up on a gut feeling. I feel like I ran away from my ex because I was feeling so anxious, and I definitley left her in a bad place. I did not communicate my feelings well, and for her, she had the rug pulled out from under her. I feel guilty about that, and wish I could’ve been more in touch with how I felt, and that I felt more confident in communicating my feelings so as to work out these emotions. It would not have guaranteed anything would’ve ended differently, but I feel it would’ve been a more mature ending.

    I’d also say that yes I am feeling nostalgic too. It feels impossible not to compare how my life is now to how it was when were at our best. I miss all of the things we had together, from the big future we both had envisioned, to the little love languages and mannerisms that only we shared. I never viewed this feeling through the lens of being nostalgic before, but I’d say that’s what it is. I miss our best times together.

    In your opinion, what are right reasons to rekindle things?

    I don’t know whether or not I’d feel resentment if I didn’t explore new experiences. It’s difficult to predict. It’s something I used to think about when we were together.

    Slowing down is probably an excellent idea. I’ve placed a sense of urgency on myself to figure things out. I feel like as time goes by, we seperate further and further, and I don’t want to make a decision to late.

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