Thank you Anita for the kind words. You’re right, having another kid would be crazy, this is off the table. As for my husband, it would feel like an enormous loss to him, right now. I did request “space” a few months ago, and it wasn’t a very well thought out request. His world fell apart, and it’s been a tense environment ever since. I see him in pain, and it’s very hard for me to balance wanting to comfort him, and not to mislead him about the direction of our marriage.

I feel resentment towards him. I was at my lowest for months prior to me telling him I wasn’t happy in the marriage, and that I needed space. For months I was in great emotional turmoil and pain. I never felt like he held my pain. Perhaps he didn’t have the tools to do so. But for the 10 years we have been together, I never saw him in any pain UNTIL I said I wasn’t happy with the marriage. Up until then, the pain was all mine. He feels pain now that he has skin in the game.

He’s trying to backtrack. He’s apologized for his lack of sensitivity, and I believe he is sincere. But I also can’t shake the feeling that he’s more concerned about the marriage, and me being his wife, than he is about my well being. The past several months, as I try to reach out and up, explore who I am and what I want, I keep being reminded by him of my role as his wife. If I ask him “who do you think I am”, he will say “my wife”. If I could just hurry all this healing up, so he wouldn’t worry about his position in my life, that would be great to him. He’s said it explicitly, and implied, that he wants me to hurry up and heal.

He’s paying lip service, but I can tell that he’s not really “there with me” on this. I think he views this self-discovery as a threat. He’s trying, but he doesn’t have the tools to cope, or understand the depth of what I’m going through.

To be honest, for the life of me, I don’t understand why he wants to keep me. He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on, by being married to me. There’s a better fit out there for him – someone who is more on his level, who will appreciate him more for who he is rather than for what he provides. I’ve realized for the past 10 years, he provided shelter. He was safe, and my marriage was the ONE place I didn’t feel inadequate, because he asked for nothing. But I’m outgrowing the need for his shelter. Like you said, I can’t see myself being able to turn back.