Hey Explorer, but something you may want to consider is setting tiny, actionable goals for yourself. Changing an attachment style is a monumental task since our systems of attachment are literally wired into the chemicals of our brain. If you’re really afraid of missing out on this great guy, I’d say start practicing self-love towards yourself, the love your parents never gave you, and make it a point to express your emotions to him.

This is gonna feel uncomfortable. But a great exercise I found was writing down events that happened in your life, writing your emotional responses (did I feel angry? happy? sad? why?) and maybe you can talk about these events when your partner wants to start a conversation on you. it’s gonna feel unnatural. That’s the point. And if you have a habit of self-reliance, make it a point to ask for help, for one thing, every few days. With an avoidant attachment style comes a whole host of bad habits like not accepting kindness from people who love you and are willing to help you, being uncomfortable with emotional conversations, and this is gonna take quite some time to heal. Dip your toes into emotional intimacy and be mindful every time you get triggered or feel uncomfortable by your parent’s affection. Start a journal, and write down SPECIFIC instances where you could feel your avoidance urges kicking in. It’s gonna take practice to start accepting love into your life when you’ve lived a childhood always running somewhat low on the love tank.

As for self-love, again, tiny, actionable steps. When you’re starting to dig up your childhood, you’ll start seeing how your parents didn’t meet your needs. And it’s very possible your parents unintentionally neglected you! People have different love languages.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Conversation, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. So while your parents provided for your physical needs, they could’ve neglected your emotional ones.

For example, let’s say a child has the love language of Words of Affirmation. Their parents are amazing. They drive them everywhere, they fight for their child to have the best opportunities possible, and the household is kept clean and you always get gifts on birthdays and Christmas but here’s the catch. They never say anything nice. Compliments are like crumbs reserved for big occasions, and the rest of the time, the child is running on low. They have everything, but their primary love language is being neglected. This could very well be you. Identifying your love language is a big step in identifying your unmet needs.

So to conclude:

1) Start a journal and every day, make a pledge to love yourself and to love your partner, as best as you’re able. Maybe you’ll set the goal (I’ll give my partner a compliment. You already listed his positive qualities. Now say it to his face.) Or you’ll buy his favorite food and give it to him. You need to practice emotional intimacy. Find your partner’s love language, and practice it. 1 action every day and slowly bump it up as you feel more comfortable expressing love.

2) Dig up your childhood. “We never vocalized love” This is a key sign of your love language. Your parents can give you everything in the world, but if they’re not speaking your love language, it’s all for naught. Your love language could be Words of Affirmation, meaning you need verbal affirmations of love.

3) When you feel triggered or uncomfortable or feel the urge to withdraw, take a deep breath and practice mindfulness. There are so many great posts talking about mindfulness on this site so scroll through some of them. The key point, emotions are temporary and we need to know how to step back and observe the waves. You’re a human being who deserves love, and while it may take time to get used to BEING loved, you’ll get there.

4) Above all, talk to your partner. When you withdraw from him, he may blame himself. Don’t let him think that.  Talk about your avoidant attachment style with him, and explain you’re trying to get better about it. Again, this will feel supremely uncomfortable. It’s not natural to you. You may feel like an imposter when you’re expressing your feelings and accepting his love and all those clumsy things. That’s okay. Love is an action, a choice, not a feeling. It’s okay if you’re so bad at expressing your feelings you stumble for words, or you need to write it down and read it aloud. Your partner will likely love you the more for making the effort to make things work.

Good luck with your relationships and self-love. I just want to emphasize, you’re not broken. You can still move forward. But you need to be willing to face your childhood and ask yourself how it influenced your beliefs, your sense of self, so you can overcome your negative cycles. You can heal and love your partner at the same time. Buy a journal or a notebook today, and start figuring things out. Progress will be slow, and somewhat painful, but it’s still progress.