Oh that’s probably correct. He knew he would get my love and attention anyway so he probably felt as if it was ok to give up on his efforts. Actually that reminds me something he said about his personnality at the beginning, don’t remember exactly how he put it but he was saying that he actually had a not so lovely temper and wasn’t always nice or something like that. And of course, I couldn’t believe a word of it considering how sweet he was at this time with me.

But does that mean that all the time he was being nice and attentive and affectionate he was faking it then?

I don’t know, I don’t understand how. I mean, I didn’t have any efforts to do to be nice and pleasant with him, because I was always so happy to be with him.

I’m not sure I actually know who he is … That’s confusing.

Hello Anita,

I’ve been thinking about your answer for the past few days. That’s an interesting point, and even though I came to the conclusion that I don’t feel that i’m having unrealistic expextations (I totally get it that other people can’t be always 100% with their affection or love and that they have a life besides me too) but that would be an interesting point to discuss with a therapist. Because I never know if my boundaries are right or too much. So you might be right.

What was bothering me with him was more him blowing hot and cold and never talking about his feelings when he didn’t have any issue to do so at the beginning and never had any problem to tell me that he loves this person or that female friend very much. When he is cold and unattentive, it really makes me uncomfortable, I don’t know why. It feels like I’ve done something wrong when he is actually just tired or not willing to make efforts (so is he faking it?).

I ended things by text with him and I feel awful about that but I couldn’t say it face to face because each time I see him, I feel love and I’m not strong enough to have this difficult discussion. Also I know he will probably won’t put much effort in communicating about that, he usually shuts himself up and goes somewhere else.

His behavior was so much different, it felt like he was avoiding me, and that he didn’t care anymore (wouldn’t make any effort to actually have a nice conversation, stopped asking how I was or felt, left me on read for ages, left his phone on flight mode… all things very much unusual for him). So I told me that it would be best to end things and maybe stop contacting each other because that was painful. He said that wasn’t over for him and still wanted to see me. He got me confused once again. So I told him about the recent time when he answered my questions about his feelings with ” I really care about you” and as I told him a few months earlier, O really want to be with someone who loves me deeply and sees a future with me. He stopped replying.

So we are both hurting now 🙁 but I guess it’s probably best to end it now. I’ve spend the first 30 years of my life without hearing any loving words and I’m not willing to put up with the same kind of silent relationship.

Oh, the usual stuff, they are angry, upset, anxious, ignore me, my mother is always criticizing me in a passive agressive way, my father always complaining about everything as if even the minor issue is the end of the world, and they just don’t see me. Don’t seem to care either. They haven’t seen me for more than a year and didn’t ask a single question about my experience.

And I can’t stand that anymore. My boyfriend showed me (most of the times ) how it was to be treated with kindness, gentleness, respect, interest and affection. He supported me, even though he no longer does. And now I’ve tasted that, I can’t go back. I can’t tolerate my parents’ behavior anymore. And I’m so upset myself. But I can’t say anything because I have nowhere to go at the moment and they would probably make my life even harder or show me the door if I try to talk to them about their behavior.

Hello,

I’m Lara, the original poster of this thread but I couldn’t retrieve my password.

Thank you both, I agree that I should take care of my happiness and purpose first. As you said Anita, being back in my home country gives me clarity of mind, but that hurts so much.

I asked him about his feelings for me as he could see something was bothering me and wanted to help. He first joked around the question and then said that he cares deeply about me because I’m amazing. Nothing else. He didn’t talk about love, about liking me, nothing. So I guess I got my answer about whether he loves me or not.

We then had an amazing last week together, where we traveled and discovered his region together, went out, eat outside, had fun. He has been his best self, always supportive, patient, willing to accomodate all my wishes, doing everything he could to make me happy even when he was exhausted. Why did he do that?? So I was on cloud nine and didn’t break up.

But since I’m here, I’m questioning myself again. He said he would get a passport done and would come to visit me in 3 months, but I kind of doubt he is going to do it. And we don’t have much to say to each other when we call. The time difference is not convenient and doesn’t help at all.

I’m wondering why he keeps entertaining this relationship when he knows I have feelings for him and told him I want to be with someone who loves me as much as I love him.

Also, something really bothered me and always had : he is super sweet and smiling with me but always pretty bad with waiters, salesperson, cashiers… He never smiles, is barely polite, always cold… I’m always embarrassed because Hello, please thank you and a smile don’t cost anything and it betters everyone’s day. I don’t understand why he treats other people like that when he can be so warm and nice with me.

Even if I can see we are not compatible on the long term, I can’t decide myself to break up, the nice memories of our great time together and all his efforts are still fresh and he looks sincerely happy to see me when we video chat. I’m really lost.