Hi Julia !
This is a community and I too as the others above, we all have some things that we’re working at. I’m no expert here but maybe my insight might be of use.

It may be useful to watch some videos by Lisa a. Romano on Youtube about codependency and growing up with narcissistic parents (they are not monsters- but individuals who also experience loneliness as a result of living with narcissistic parents)

Also check to see if your insurance carrier will cover the cost to see a therapist and find a great fit for yourself. Try to join a womens’ support group in person or on Facebook or watch some Youtube videos (haha more Youtube !)- try untameyourself.com she has a youtube channel- Elizabeth dialto

All the best to you !

Hi Ginger263,

I feel for you and your situation. I don’t see anything in your question about your mothers situation or if she was verbally abusive to to you due to an illness, maybe you edited your question. So based on what I have read, and to some degree you really do need to consider a healthy way to cut back on enabling this situation. I will assume your father is not suffering the same condition and can see after their finances. Try to shift your mindset a little by stating ” My Dad is more than capable of handling this situation..” [ this helps ! It shifted my mentality ]

With that stated, as I am in a slightly similar situation, I would’ve recommended that you do cut some enabling and co-dependent responses to your parents’ financial problems. And it is a financial mismanagement problem that is continuously supported by you unfortunately- I feel your pain.

And of course we feel an obligation to our family, especially when we live in the same home- 1) we must contribute financially and 2) our culture socialized us to take care of family BUT we now know that other people must carry their own weight otherwise generational issues can occur. You may have the same expectations of your children as you age-these patterns sneak up on us because they are SUBCONSCIOUS beliefs- they are very powerful. And your subconscious belief in this case is that you must suffer and your family must suffer in order to help your parents AND that you are the only one who will ever be able to fix the situation as you are the ‘only financially capable one’.

When you can re-train your subconscious thoughts to believe that your parents/Father are more than capable ! Capable of downsizing, capable of Dad making sure payments are automatically withdrawn for monthly mortgage payments, Dad is capable of assisting Mom by attending financial counseling together, they are more than capable of making income to pay the bills, Dad is more than capable of attending a counseling session with Mom at a religious community/church about finances, about their relationship difficulty, maybe renewing their vows-anything to plant a seed in Mom to seek help later on for her illness. You can suggest this to him by stating “Dad you are more than capable of doing X.Y.Z solutions with Mom”

Carrying this type of weight and other peoples insecurities will take a toll on you, your husband, and children.

All the Best !

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Mimi.