Hello again,

I’m sorry for the delay, that was just too much to handle.

Anita, you’re right. That would be my loss, that would only hurt me if I ever cut contact with her. I feel very strange these last days, sometimes I see her and feel completely disconnected from her, as if she was a complete stranger happening to be in my sight. Do you think I love her ? What a terrible thing to feel for an abuser.

My siblings lost their fight too, as you said. One of them is violent to the point he’s been sent to jail a few times, and the other is in an abusive relationship with a violent, alcoholic partner. Gosh, she managed to completely break 4 people in her life.

Thank you GL for your message. It makes so much sense, it brings so much clarity to the situation. But I couldn’t leave. I’m leaving in a few days, it’s time, but I couldn’t do it earlier. I understood that I’m still terrified by her, by her power over me. I really need to work on that. The more I’m aware of what she’s doing, the more she’s ignoring me. That makes things a little bit easier at least.

Thank you Angelica for sharing your story with me, that resonates deeply with mine. I was sorry to read about all the pain you went through with your father and your mother being far away, but very happy to read that you were able to get over it and open yourself to meaningful connections with people who love you. That’s a real strenght to find the courage to open up to people. I’m not there yet, but that was inspiring. Thank you.

I feel strange and disconnected recently. I sometimes can see with clarity, with almost a neutral vision, how she behaves with her “family”, how she ignores our needs, how she doesn’t give a crap about us, how everything is about her, how she manipulates us to get what she wants. She didn’t educate me, she trained me like a dog, like a dog you don’t even like enough to respect.

It’s almost time to leave and I feel on the verge to collapse, as if chaos was the next step. I’m not even relieved to leave, I’m only exhausted with life. As I’ve been reviewing my life, I realized that I always have been in company of anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I’ve always had a hard time with people in general, was always alone as a kid because I feared and couldn’t understand the other kids, and started to have some friends when I learned how to behave like the others, and some of them picked me as a new friend. I’ve never had a genuine, open connection with anyone and I realize with sadness that no one has ever encounter the real me. I only have superficial friendships and relationships with people, I don’t know how to connect safely with them. I’m deprived of social skills and prefer to be on my own anyway. I used to be smart and the first one of my class, but I lost the capacity to focus and memorize things when I was a teenager. Now I live very much in the present, and don’t remember a lot of things.

I realize now that it’s probably because I fear the others. They’re always perceived as a threat, as a potential danger capable to damage me if I let them in in my inner world.

I don’t know if it’s my upbringing who has turned me in that kind of lonely mess, or if I’m born being different. One of my cousin is bipolar, and I have strong doubts about my mother/brother/one of my uncle who are exactly the same kind of persons : the three are manipulative, angry, subjects to terrible and extreme mood swings, destructive with everyone.

Sorry, I guess I just needed to rant anonymously. I’m not sure about what kind of therapist I should go to, a generalist one, someone specialized with mental illnesses ? Am I mentally ill ?