Dear Anita,

My deepest apologies that I disappeared for long after you put so much thought into your response.

While I do believe your theory of familial darkness is way over- reaching, I appreciate the time you put into pondering it.

I am actually feeling a lot better and making peace with the way things will be moving forward and I’m just taking it day by day.

Thanks again.

Good evening, Anita.

That’s some interesting thinking and I appreciate the thought you’ve put into your detailed response.

To be honest, my parents are actually pretty fantastic though. My mother especially raised me exceptionally well. And I could see- and can still see- that she tries her absolute best with my brothers and I. She is involved, insightful and actively loving. I should clarify that the “strange fish” comment was one she picked up from an old friend of his, as that’s what he used to call him. She tried very hard to get him to open up to her and, by her own admission to me, was always just worried that if she pressed him too hard that she’d ultimately push him away. She has very high emotional intelligence and is a really admirable mother.

My dad is not as emotionally fine- tuned as my mother but he tried very hard with all of us to talk to us and guide us in the right direction. There was genuinely never a shortage of love or attention. But I do understand why you might have extrapolated that from my other replies. It does, however, make my brother much harder to understand.

I was speaking with my husband about the situation earlier and he thinks the best way forward may be to just pretend to my parents that my brother and I have resolved things and it’s fine. Sounds dreadful but we don’t live in the same county so it may actually be the simplest option.

Yes Anita,

He does engage with a lot of violent material. That’s not to say that’s to blame- I sometimes enjoy horror also.

I’m afraid he has been cruel to animals in the past, including one of our own dogs who eventually an away because of it. That’s not universal though- one of the dogs was exclusively his own and he never harmed her. But in general he has no concern for what animals feel, even though he really loves dogs. I’ve been vegetarian since I was 10 and vegan for the last 5 years. He always, always made fun of this which is normal enough as a teen but now he’s well into his late 30s and still talks about how silly it is, how it makes me a weakling etc. That seems a bit strange for a man of his age.

Something that gives me pause for thought is that he himself got extremely badly beaten one night in his 20s when he was out. He saw two men beating another man and decided to intervene. Then several of their friends appeared and beat him to the point of hospitalisation for trying to stop them. This would have been after the incident he confessed to.

I’ve been pondering over whether his telling me meant that he was dealing with guilt and he couldn’t hold it in and I did suggest that to him at the time but he says he has no remorse.

Not wanting to completely slander him, my brother has been loving in other ways though- some years ago, he gave me 400 euros when I was stuck trying to pay my postgraduate fees and never asked for it back. He just has a limited range of how to show love and I think money is one way. He is very frugal with his money so I did think this was a very generous donation. That said though, I value time over money and he has never come to visit me (I moved to a different country, albeit it’s less than an hour-long flight). It is always me going home to visit him. I don’t mind of course, I love to visit but I love where I live now too and wanted to show him but he refuses to visit. (he’s very well travelled so it’s not related to travel anxiety etc). He just doesn’t want to “waste holidays and money visiting a country that isn’t hot”. My husband has always commented on this being very weird behaviour and I always defended my brother with “that’s just his way” etc.  I feel like my husband has always been aware of an edge to my brother that I just didn’t see or didn’t want to see.

I always explained away my family dynamics as “we’re just a weird family but what family isn’t” etc. I believed this too but the more I think lately, the more I feel it’s all just a bit beyond the realm of acceptably strange.

His relationship with my parents is really good. He and my dad have lots of fun stuff in common and my dad often goes to stay the night with him and hang out. My mother always loved him to absolute pieces- but she is a loving woman in general. She knows that he’s an oddball and frequently just smiles and says “your brother really is a strange fish”. She knows also that he has some struggles in his personal life and sympathises and tries to be supportive. He is difficult to support though because he doesn’t speak much. When I told her that he told me something that really upset me, she asked me not to push him away because I’m the only one he ever opens up to.

Unfortunately, I tend to be that person for a lot of people and have always tended to fill that role in the family and I am at the stage where I can’t do it any more. I have had some very serious struggles with my mental health and I feel like I can’t look after myself if I keep accepting other people’s burdens. The problem is, that seems really awful to anyone outside of myself. It seems very selfish. But I want to get myself to a really mentally healthy place before I start my own family. My husband and I both have demanding careers and there’s really only so much space I have in my head for stressors. It just so happens that the straw that broke the camel’s back in this instance was put there by a close family member.

Anyway, I’ve veered off- topic. So he has what I would call a good relationship with my parents and I never noticed any abnormal anger towards them- just the usual teenage angst, you know? So with no obvious issues, I will be the one creating a rift and I fear it will hurt my parents and that they might resent me for ruining the family. Now I do know that I am not responsible for ruining anything but rather I’ve just reached a point where I want to resolve and disengage from sources of trauma and not carry that forward to my own children.

Hi Anita,

Thanks again for your kindness and for listening.

Yes, my husband needed to know, of course. It just disturbs me because he is such a peaceful creature. I hate to have brought this into his life. But he’s being very supportive.

Strangely enough, he said he’d always gotten a dark vibe from my brother but obviously didn’t want to say anything before.

I’m feeling pretty conflicted in myself because it’s as if all and any love I had for my brother has been suddenly switched off. I’ve lost my belief in unconditional love and I’m ashamed of myself for it.

I expressed the idea of talking to forensic specialist to my counsellor and he said he’s certain it would be fruitless. Where this happened, wasn’t even on the same continent, let alone the same legal jurisdiction.

I feel conflicted also in that I sometimes wonder if his girlfriend, for example, has the right to know. They have 2 year old son who I’ve never met (despite trying) and that is just another example I suppose of strange my brother is.

I was awake very early this morning as I was having nightmares about him. I was with him in person but before he’d read my letter and kept pushing my boundaries