Hi Anita,

You’re right, this is a repetition. Thank you so much for your kind insight, I really appreciate you taking the time to consider my old posts 🙂

I do believe I have a problem with commitment. Interestingly, I also initially said “no” to the only bf I’ve ever had. Only after a few more weeks of dating did I agree to enter in a relationship with him (which lasted over a year). This problem goes way back. I also remember initially saying “no” to my prom date in HS then texting him the next day to say yes.

I am sure I want a serious relationship/marriage, but I have a very difficult time letting people into my life. When I am single I feel secure, balanced, and in control of my own happiness. I find that relationships (especially bad ones) make things spin out of control. I am sensitive and hurt easily by those I choose to open my life to. That is why I am so careful, and why I feel I must know someone well (and have them know me) in order to commit to a relationship.

I do have a handful of friendships that are healthy and meaningful, so I know I must be capable of this for a romantic relationship. But dating always feels like it is on the fast track for me. It’s terrifying. When this guy asked me to be his gf last week, I felt like his words were coming from a stranger. And instead of taking a risk, I ran the other direction. I liked him, but I didn’t feel close/safe with him, which is why I said no.

But clearly, I’m not happy right now. Nor was I after the last relationship as you mentioned. And yet, in both cases I played an active role in “breaking things off.” So I think I have things to work on. Perhaps I need to allow myself to trust others more easily.

I know i’ve written a lot, mostly just thinking out loud here (which is helping). but thanks again.