hi jules… yes, you are 100% right and i know you are not trying to minimize my pain. ive read a lot of Buddhist inspired books and articles, and have experienced yoga and meditation myself. i know that it is not him that i am missing, he is just a symbol in my life for something way greater and deeper that is unresolved within me.
my parents got divorced when i was 13, and i think i lost my identity back then, when i was too involved with the breakup and their getting back together back and forth. ive had the 1st guy (the 10 year ex) with me all along, so i didnt have to form an identity, i was with him, we were one. then the other guy came in, and again, i didnt have to be alone, now i have created a new identity which was one of raw emotions, uncontrolling desires and pure addiction to passion and to being loved. now that i am alone, it is time for me to discover “me”. who i am i, i still dont know. and like Eckhart Tolle says- thats OK not knowing.

changing my internal language is changing my thoughts. once a thought arrives, it is so addictive, familiar and comfortable to think (because thats what im used to think for 4 years now), that it lures me in and then i feel the very infamous and familiar feeling of being alone, hurt, dumped, unloved and worthless.

thats my former self, thats my ego, desperately clinging to the victim’s identity.

with all this knowledge and introspection, i still cant let go of it, i am too scared. i will follow your advice as well and hopefully things will start looking up.

i dont know if i am making a mistake, but in my mind, because i am not yet ready to come to terms and fully accept the finality of the breakup, me and him decided we would stay “friends”. i am planning on being as happy as i can and portraying that in my SMS’s with him. maybe then he will miss the old Naomi, the one he fell in love with and would want me back… i dont know, i know its still “playing the game” and no real progress can be made with taking this method, but it keeps me going.. not talking to him at all triggers the obsession of wanting something i must not go for and can not do.. do you guys think its bad